Ching, Chong & the Chinaman (R)

Genre: Wild West Kick ‘Em Up

1854: A small group of specially-trained, fresh-off-the-boat Chinamen (Jet Li as Ching, Stephen Chow as Chong, Jackie Chan as ‘the Chinaman’) travel to California. Their mission? To win big at local casinos using sneaky card counting tricks and bust out sick kung fu moves if required (note: they will be).

But Sacremento proves one town too far. The casino’s owner, notorious Jack ‘Cattle Prod’ Jones (Steven Seagal) and his henchmen (Jean-Claude ‘Heart Attack’ Van Damme & Jason Statham) aren’t going to let their money go without a fight. High octane action ensues.

Special cameo by Loni Anderson as the town whore.

Possible Dialogue:

Jones: Hand back the cash and your little friend here won’t get hurt.

The Chinaman: Let’s paint this town yarrow (flurry of flying kicks and punches, cash flies everywhere, Chong is prodded in the unmentionables, etc…)

Quackers: The Line Dancing Duck (U)

Genre: All singing, all dancing, country music, cartoon caper

After Daddy Duck (Owen Wilson) is killed by a savage fox (Neil Diamond), Mummy Duck (Anna Paquin) struggles to raise her seven ducklings, including the youngest ‘Quackers’ (Taylor Swift)

Quackers suggests that they enter the big line dancing contest, to be held at the Grand Ole Opry, in one week (prize: $1000). So the family set off on (webbed) foot to Nashville.

But along the way, disaster strikes, Quackers (being the smallest) is unable to keep up and gets separated from her family. Mummy Duck is distraught, but has to continue, for the sake of the others.

Brave little Quackers is determined to catch up and continues alone. Along the way she meets several new friends:
Teets, the pregnant Cow (Dolly Parton)
Jumpy, the coke sniffing Rooster (Jack White)
Scrotum O’Neil, the 200 year old Tortoise (Lyle Lovett)

Eventually, she makes it to the contest, just in time for the dance off between the final 2 teams: her family & a pack of foxes led by the son of a gun who killed her pappy!

Tagline: Get y’all ducks in row

Deep Thaw (PG-13)

January 28, 2010

Deep Thaw (PG-13)

Tagline: Things are gonna heat up.

Locked in the grips of a global deep freeze, American president (Morgan Freeman) orders a rag-tag group of scientists and coal miners (Bill Paxton, Hillary Swank, Randy Quaid, Omid Djalili) to drill to the Earth’s core in the hopes of triggering geological activity to (hopefully) warm the planet.

Robert Duvall, plays a marine turned preacher, comes out of retirement to lead the crew – but ultimately jeopardizes the mission when he starts to believe they are really in Hell.

Possible dialogue:

Duvall: “We’re moving too slow. Now I’d say the Indian guy (Djalili) & the boy (Swank) weigh about the same as my trunk full of bibles, so we have to kill ’em.”

G-Gnomes (PG-13)

January 22, 2010

G-Gnomes (PG-13)

Big-budget, live-action reboot of the popular Canadian children’s cartoon series.

Nestdancer (Peter Drinklage) & Magicgrin (Tom Cruise) lead an elite team of genetically-modified garden gnomes on a secret mission behind enemy lines in Afghanistan.

Their mission: to nuke the poppy fields and thereby win the war on drugs and terror in one fell swoop.

Go G-Gnomes!

Possible dialogue:

Magicgrin: Jesus fucking Christ, Nestdancer… don’t go faggot on me! You knew there’d be casualties on this mission! We’re doing this to stop the kids in Quebec from becoming fucked up junkies, like your mother! Now let’s nuke these homos and go home, capiche?!”

Downsizing (G)

January 18, 2010

Downsizing (G)

Tagline: Down is up

Based on the hit Broadway musical of the same name, Downsizing, is the story of Chief Executive Roslyn Walton’s (Judi Dench) failed attempt to purposely financially ruin her company to offset the gains of a sister company (as a sort of tax dodge).

Citing a ‘progressive workplace hiring policy’, Walton fires her entire sales team and replaces them with a group of men and women with Down’s syndrome (Philip Seymour Hoffman, Madonna, etc), with the hopes that their inexperience will lead to a severe downturn in revenue.

Much to Walton’s surprise, however, the new sales team – naturally affable, honest and hard-working – performs exceptionally well. (Include scenes of the new pink-shirted sales team laughing, high-fiving, ringing bells intercut with the image of raining dollar bills)

Walton is faced with financial ruin but is ultimately saved when the new sales team pulls off a management buy-out and takes over the reins of the company.

Possible Dialogue:

Ros: You can’t do this. You’re just a bunch of retards!

Corky: No, ma’am… (eyes welling up)… You… You are the retard.

(not a dry eye in the house)

Vampires of the Pacific (PG-13)

Tagline: This one has legs

The inevitable, and slightly more racist, sequel to the surprise hit of the summer: ‘Vampires of Atlantis‘.*

Three years after the events of the first film, some surviving vampires have adapted to life on dry land, and have chosen the sleepy port city of Hiroshima, Japan, as a foothold in their attempt to ultimately conquer the world. The vampires have been slowly taking over the population, and already control the city’s night life. The only thing stopping them from total control is their fear of daylight.

By sheer coincidence, British agent Felicity Kisschase (Jessica Alba) is also working undercover in the city, as a geisha, attempting to get close to high-ranking General Ozu (Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson) to convince him to defect to the allies. Haphazardly, Felicity uncovers the vampires’ evil plot and sets out to destroy them before it’s too late.

The thrilling climax sees Felicity and Ozu mount a daytime raid on the vampire’s lair (hidden in the basement of the Genbaku dome) but find the huge stone coffins empty! It turns out, the vampires have invented an ‘artificial skin’ which allows them to withstand direct sunlight. Now there’s nothing to stop them!

However, this day happens to be August 6, 1945 and the vampire’s ‘skin’ turns out to be no match for a dose of good old American radiation. Ozu sacrifices himself to save Felicity, by sealing her in the empty (lead-lined) sarcophagus, closing the heavy stone lid, just before the blast kills him, and the vampires.

Gotchagain BLOODSUCKAAAAAAZ!!!!!!!!

*(has now been turned down by every major player in Hollywood. With one (Kevin Spacey) describing it as “that piece of shit”).

Night Witches (PG-13)

January 4, 2010

Night Witches (PG-13)

The extraordinary, but little known, tale of how a young Queen Elizabeth secretly joined Britain’s only all-female regiment that flew over 30,000 missions along the Western Front in WWII. At home they we known as Churchill’s Fannies but terrified German troops called them the Night Witches.

The surviving members of the squadron, now all grannies in their 80s and 90s (Helen Mirren, Maggie Smith, Judi Dench), tell their remarkable true story to an awestruck young reporter (Tobey Maguire).

In flashbacks we see their younger selves (Keira Knightley, Helena Bonham Carter, Kate Winslet) transformed from simple country girls, into the courageous warriors, who defeat the Nazis.