Chalkdust (PG-13)

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Wimbledon: The 70’s
John McEnroe (Will Ferrell) & Bjorn Borg (Mackenzie Crook) use their position as swinging sports superstars (& bitter rivals) as a cover for their international drug smuggling operation.
Katherine Heigl is the MI6 agent, determined to bring them down, who poses as the British No.1 seed (while also fending off the sexual advances of her doubles partner, Ukranian No.1 (Judi Dench).
Special appearance by Cliff Richard as ‘Mr Big’.

When We Were Kingpins (PG-13)

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Kinshasa, Zaire: The 70’s
Muhammad Ali (Cuba Gooding Jr) & George Foreman (Tracy Morgan) use their position as swinging sports superstars (& bitter rivals) as a cover for their international drug smuggling operation.
Halle Berry is the CIA agent determined to bring them down, who poses as a ring-card girl.
Special appearance by Don King as ‘Mr Big’.

Shot Putz (PG-13)

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Munich: The 70’s
Seth Rogen & Sacha Baron Cohen us their position as kidnapped & murdered Israeli athletes as a cover for their international drug smuggling operation.
Natalie Portman is the Mossad agent determined to bring them down.
Special appearance by Woody Allen as ‘Mr Big’.

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Breaking Smack Hustler (R)

February 17, 2009

 

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Breaking Smack Hustler (R)

Joe Waters (Joe Pesci) is a racist, Archie Bunker/Alf Garnett type who’s fed up with the drug dealers that have taken over his once quaint neighbourhood in the Cincinnati suburbs.

After being ignored by the cops, he decides to take matters into his own hands (e.g. blaring fake police sirens, putting flaming bags of excrement on the dealers’ stoops, etc). His antics lead to a run-in with the local drug lord, affectionately known as Mr Smack Hustler (Cuba Gooding Jr). The two almost come to blows but are separated by cops before any real damage is done.

One day, Joe awakes to find a young addict (Chris Brown) passed out on his lawn. Showing a fair share of compassion, Joe befriends the kid and eventually helps him to overcome his affliction (teaching him chess, origami, Sudoku, etc). [note: white people love movies where white people are helping disadvantaged black folk.]

After kicking the drug habit, the kid invites Joe over to his family’s place for dinner. Much to Joe’s surprise, it turns out the kid is Mr Smack Hustler’s son. Blinded by fury, Joe attacks Mr Smack Hustler. Just as Joe is about to finish him off with a final death blow (perhaps with a giant novelty crack pipe), he notices the kid crying. It’s at this moment that Joe realizes that he has grown to adore the kid and that killing the kid’s father would be wrong.

Ultimately, Joe decides to move to Florida and takes up fishing with this pal, Gus Green (Danny Glover). (see Gone Fishin’).

Note: Joe Pesci’s character will drop a lot of N-Bombs in this film. I mean a lot.

Possible dialogue:

Joe: Check.

Kid: Check mate.

Joe: Maybe you’re not such a dumb mother fuckin’ (n-bomb) after all.

When the Well Runs Dry (G)

January 6, 2009

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When the Well Runs Dry (G)

Riveting 9 hour documentary featuring over-the-hill out-of-work actresses drinking Crantinis and talking about being over-the-hill and out-of-work. Featuring the likes of Dame Judi Dench, Helen Mirren, Shirley Maclaine, Sean Young, Debra Winger, Margo Kidder, Loni Anderson

Special appearance by Cuba Gooding Jr, who discusses his unique career path and apologizes for his Oscar win.

Possible Follow Up: A film featuring Cuba Gooding Jr, who is forced to perform degrading acts to win roles in upcoming movies.