Mooncrack (PG)

March 13, 2011

Genre: Disaster movie

A team of tough construction workers, led by Chuck Bugger (Randy Quaid) are carrying out the dangerous lunar mission – to build the first Moonbase.

While working on the foundations, the hard-drinking slobs somehow manage to ‘break’ the Moon. A giant crack develops which threatens to literally split the moon in half!

The consequences of such an event would be catastrophic for the Earth. (Crops would fail, birds would fall out of the sky, there’d be worldwide tsunamis, & the Earth would be left in permanent daylight!)

The construction workers are trapped in a cave, so the only answer is to mount a daring rescue mission, led by none other than Cissy Bugger (Megan Fox), estranged daughter of Chuck & a fully qualified construction worker who was denied a place on the original mission due to the dangerous nature of the work.

Is it possible that a woman can succeed where men have failed & thereby save her father, & mankind in the process?

https://failedscreenwriter.files.wordpress.com/2011/03/crack.jpg?w=300https://i2.wp.com/files6.fliiby.com/images/_original/0kb45gddqp.jpg

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A very special treat for you all, as we present our first ever celebrity-penned failed movie:

In the Tweet of the Night (PG-13)

With only a week left before he retires to a log cabin in Concord, Massachusetts, technophobe fire chief Raymond Dorsey (Jeff Bridges) is perplexed by a series of dead bodies found hunched in front of their computer screens across Boston.

Intrigued by an increasing number of tweets recounting the cause of each poster’s own death in her Twitter timeline, journalist Nina Hutchison (Megan Fox) begins to investigate the phenomena. She quickly realises that people have become so addicted to sharing every details of their day-to-day life, that the victims have stayed at their computers tweeting about house fires, perishing at their computers instead of walking out the door.

The following night, Hutchison’s timeline captures the death of Dame Judi Dench. But, as well mentioning the fire, Dame Dench’s last tweet describes strong, manly hands around her throat. Twenty-four hours later Stephen Fry posts a similar tweet and Hutchison realises Boston has a serial killer on the loose, strangling his victims and burning down their house to hide his tracks.

Hutchison convinces Dorsey to let her help catch the killer. After wrongly being arrested as a suspect, 50 Cent (Forest Whitaker) lends a hand and the mismatched threesome track down and apprehend Barbara Stone (Ellen DeGeneres), though not before Stone has also killed twitterati Russell Brand, Barry Glendenning and Peter Serafinowicz.

Possible dialogue:

Dorsey: Worldwidewhat? Interwhich? I don’t understand what you’re saying!
50Cent (tweeting): Gonna find who you are fuck and fuck you up, bitch. No ho fuck with my homo homie @StephenFry without getting whupped upside his head. Dog.
English50Cent (tweeting): One will discover your identity and cause one pain. One doesn’t mess with my best boy, Stephen Fry, without a cuff around the ear. Whatto.
Dorsey (while Glendenning posts his last tweets): Get out of there! Get out of there! What’s wrong with him? Why doesn’t he just leave! Get out of there! Get out of there, damnit!
Russell Brand (tweeting): It’s getting hot in here. Best take off all my clothes. Strong, manly hands around throat. Bring condoms.

The Dig (PG-13)

October 9, 2009

The Dig (PG-13)

nicolas-cage-dirtyhands

Tagline: There will be mud

Whilst on a archaeological dig, Dr Theodosius Queerbones (Nicholas Cage) and plucky assistant Jane Martin (Megan Fox), uncover what appears to be a spaceship. The vessel is covered in hieroglyphs and symbols that are foreign to them, so Queerbones turns to renowned UFOlogist Quentin Cobbleman (Hugh Laurie) to decipher the code.

Cobbleman is astounded and uses an artefact that he found years ago (the Georgetta Stone), to translate the code. Feeling there are on the verge of re-writing the entire history of the Western World, they are disappointed when the translated symbols read: “If this ship’s a rockin’, don’t come a knockin’”.

Devastated by the let down, Dr Queerbones enters into a deep depression. During this time, he is tormented by inexplicable images of giant, alien-like, walking and talking hotdogs. One evening, Dr Queerbones tries to contact Dr Cobbleman again, but he’s informed that he’s been killed. Suspicious and frightened, Dr Queerbones totally freaks out.

Queerbones returns, along with plucky assistant, to scene of the vessel but finds that it’s been commandeered by military officials. They sneak into their compound and find something far more terrifying and mind-blowing than they ever could have imagined…

Possible dialogue:

Dr Q: My god… is that what I think it is?

JM: That’s the creepiest giant, alien-like, walking and talking hotdog I have ever seen.

Dancing%20hot%20dog%20C

Condoliers (PG-13)

October 5, 2009

Condoliers (PG-13)

gondolier

Genre: Slapstick/Racist/Revenge comedy

Mario and Luigi Di Natale (Adam Sandler & Sylvester Stallone) are Venetian gondoliers/brothers who work successfully together as conmen targeting wealthy female tourists. They seduce their victims, then inform them that they’re broke and will be forced to sell their family business unless they come up with 10,000 Euros. The con proves successful both for their bankbooks and their bedposts.

One day, enchanting American tourist Beth Handler (Megan Fox) enters their world. Both men immediately fall for her vivacious feminine wilds. Hilarity ensues with the realisation that they are no longer partners… but rivals! (Include predictable scenes of sabotaged sinking gondolas, bloody pigeon heads found in the bed, etc…)

When they discover that one of them is actually Beth’s father* and that she isn’t there to make amends but to spill the blood of the brothers that screwed (literally and figuratively) her mother, they’re forced to work together to save their own hides. Mama Mia!

* she’s the daughter of one of their previous victims  – but she’s not sure which one is her dad as the mother ‘enjoyed the company’ of both men.

Possible dialogue:

Mario: Wazza madda you?

Tomasso: Shud-up-a-ya face!

Shoe City (G)

February 1, 2009

 

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Shoe City (G)

Basic rom-com (slob male/unattainable babe) with a Disney/Pixar twist: all the characters are shoes. They all live in a divided city with the fashionable shoes living on the west side and the unfashionable shoes (e.g. trainers, running shoes) on the east side. The city is divided by a giant wall that is patrolled by eagle-eyed bouncers.

Aspiring rock star, Chuck (Kevin James) and his best friend, burned out 70’s casualty Dietmar Moonjazz (David Bowie), spend their days dreaming of making it over the wall to the west, where they feel they belong.

One day, at the annual Mid-town rave, Chuck meets Sally (Scarlett Johansson), who is a Westsider! They fall in love but she’s engaged to Vito ‘Etch-a-Sketches’ Smackallino (Tracy Morgan), reigning king of Shoe City’s drug trade (& mayor). [note: Unbeknownst to Sally, Vito is having an affair with nightclub singer, ‘Rug Burns’ Pastaggio (Megan Fox).]

 

At the stroke of midnight Chuck & Sally are forced to part along with the rest of the population and return through the central gate to their own side of the city until next year. But Chuck can’t wait that long…

Can Chuck & Dietmar make it over the wall disguised as fashionable lady-shoes and find Sally again before the wedding? If so, can Chuck & Sally escape the wrath of Vito? Will Chuck & Dietmar be allowed to stay in the West & fulfill their dreams?

Possible dialogue:

Chuck: “Mr Smackallino, if you seek peace, if you seek prosperity for Shoe City, if you seek liberalization: Come here to this gate! Mr. Smackallino, open this gate! Mr. Smackallino, TEAR DOWN THIS WALL!” (crowd erupts into wild applause)

Original song:

“Together we’re a pair” by Tom Waits and that girl from the Ting Tings.

 

Kevin James

Kevin James

 

Scarlett Johansson

Scarlett Johansson

 

Megan Fox

Megan Fox

David Bowie

David Bowie

Tracy Morgan

Tracy Morgan

Sweet Jesus (G)

December 24, 2008

 Sweet Jesus (G)

Genre: Biblical rom-com | Coming of age drama

Plot:

Set during the endless summer of ’22, this is the story of a young carefree Israeli freshman, learning about life, love & destiny.

 

 

Jesus (Zac Efron) has a lot to deal with: nagging parents, Joseph & Mary (Judd Hirsch & Jennifer Lopez), star quarterback & school bully Stan (Cuba Gooding Jr), the unwanted attention of tough, sarcastic (& pregnant) Mary-Beth Magdalene (Megan Fox) and high school sweetheart, Rebekah (Hayden Panettiere) – who is diagnosed with some or other terminal illness.


 

Possible dialogue:

Jesus: “but Doc, there must be something you can do”

Physician: “Sorry son, I can’t work miracles, there’s nothing anyone can do now…….”

Treehugger (PG-13)

December 17, 2008

 

 big-tree 

Treehugger (PG-13)

Environmentalist Mia Appleton (Megan Fox) is hiking through the Amazonian rainforest when she stumbles upon a magnificent tree (voiced by Forest Whitaker). She is seduced by the branches and leaves, and decides to spend the rest of her days in its company.

After a few happy months, her world is turned upside down when a local logging company, run by Juande Suarez (Edward James Olmos), is ordered in to deforest the area.

Mia manages to save the tree from destruction, thanks to some crafty MacGyver-like work to ward off the evil logging company.

Possible Dialogue:

Mia: Oh tree, your bark is so thick and rough.

Tree: Rub me baby… rub me aaaaaallllll night looooooong…