Kebabs & Urine (15)
September 22, 2010
Kebabs & Urine (15)
Mike Leigh’s latest slice-of-life drama.
Tired of the recurring death threats, incontinent abortionist Dr Mortimer Waters (Timothy Spall) retires from his Yorkshire-based practice and moves to a quaint English seaside town where he falls in love with a waitress, Mary Tippleton (Tilda Swinton) – a devout Catholic, who’s bored and waiting for life to happen.
As their relationship develops, Dr Waters becomes concerned that his feelings could never be fully reciprocated if Mary learnt of his old profession. (note: include emotional scene of a soaked Dr Waters burying his abortionist tools in the garden in the middle of a storm.)
When Mary learns that she’s pregnant (impossible as she’s a virgin!), Dr Waters chances fate and informs her of his past. Hilarity ensues.
Possible dialogue:
Dr Waters: “Eeh by gum! I shall miss thee little buggers – eh? What’s this? – oh no, I’ve pissed missen!”
Night of the Manshund (R)
September 16, 2010
Again, apologies for the delay in between posts. Thank you for your patience.
And to the Sean Bean fans, welcome! Might have to consider a Sean Bean Month.
Night of the Manshund (R)
Albert Fish (Bob Hoskins) and Charlie Chipps (Phil Collins) are two London Bobbies on the trail of the infamous Bermondsey Butcher, a homicidal maniac slaughtering German tourists and churning their remains into (delicious yet oh-so-wrong) sausages.
Over time, they uncover clues that suggest they are not dealing with a mere mortal but a fearsome Manshund (part man/part Dachshund – played by Ray Winstone).
When Special Detective Adolf Himmler (Rutger Hauer) is brought in from Berlin to help, things get a little testy between him and Fish & Chipps (naturally). But they must learn to work together capture the man-beast before it’s too late! (Note: include lame sub-plot that brings the Queen’s German ancestry into play.)
The climactic scene involves Fish, Chipps and Himmler luring the Manshund into a pub with a meat pie and gassing it with Xyclon-5.
Possible Dialogue:
Chipps (after Manshund lets out prolonged dying yelp): Hot Dog! (detectives laugh heartily and share a group hug)
Possible Epilogue Dialogue:
Chipps: Adolph, we couldn’t have done it without you… Or should I say, Sir Adolph!
Himmler: Tank you Chipps. And tank you your majestee for tis great honour.
Queen (Judi Dench): Sie sind willkommen.
The Last Homo (PG-13)
June 29, 2010
The Last Homo (PG-13)
Europe: about 25,000 BC. The war between modern humans (Homo Sapiens) & Neanderthals (Homo Californicacious) is drawing to a close. The primitive Neanderthals, have been all but wiped out, by the more advanced invaders from Africa. Only a single Neanderthal remains: Ugg (Arnold Schwarzenegger).
Ugg is determined not to go quietly and mounts a one-man guerrilla war against the humans. During one particularly successful raid against the human camp, Ugg kidnaps the leader’s mate (Halle Berry). The human leader (Wesley Snipes) is furious and orders his men to hunt down and kill the savage before he can mate with his woman.
Will brute force & primitive weapons prevail against brains, long enough for Ugg to pass on his genes? Or is Ugg (& his entire species) facing extinction?
* the opening battle scene will feature the acting debut of World Cup star Carlos Tevez, seen here with his mother:
EBITDAR (PG)
April 6, 2010
EBITDAR (PG)
Experience it in IMAX 3D
Genre: Sucky Sci-Fi
The peaceful, commie, homo-loving, blue people of the planet ‘Data’ are attacked by an aggressive, warlike race of pink men (The Sayles).
After much fighting & explosions, the blue people emerge victorious, (Despite their philosophy that fighting & explosions solve nothing).