A very special treat for you all, as we present our first ever celebrity-penned failed movie:

In the Tweet of the Night (PG-13)

With only a week left before he retires to a log cabin in Concord, Massachusetts, technophobe fire chief Raymond Dorsey (Jeff Bridges) is perplexed by a series of dead bodies found hunched in front of their computer screens across Boston.

Intrigued by an increasing number of tweets recounting the cause of each poster’s own death in her Twitter timeline, journalist Nina Hutchison (Megan Fox) begins to investigate the phenomena. She quickly realises that people have become so addicted to sharing every details of their day-to-day life, that the victims have stayed at their computers tweeting about house fires, perishing at their computers instead of walking out the door.

The following night, Hutchison’s timeline captures the death of Dame Judi Dench. But, as well mentioning the fire, Dame Dench’s last tweet describes strong, manly hands around her throat. Twenty-four hours later Stephen Fry posts a similar tweet and Hutchison realises Boston has a serial killer on the loose, strangling his victims and burning down their house to hide his tracks.

Hutchison convinces Dorsey to let her help catch the killer. After wrongly being arrested as a suspect, 50 Cent (Forest Whitaker) lends a hand and the mismatched threesome track down and apprehend Barbara Stone (Ellen DeGeneres), though not before Stone has also killed twitterati Russell Brand, Barry Glendenning and Peter Serafinowicz.

Possible dialogue:

Dorsey: Worldwidewhat? Interwhich? I don’t understand what you’re saying!
50Cent (tweeting): Gonna find who you are fuck and fuck you up, bitch. No ho fuck with my homo homie @StephenFry without getting whupped upside his head. Dog.
English50Cent (tweeting): One will discover your identity and cause one pain. One doesn’t mess with my best boy, Stephen Fry, without a cuff around the ear. Whatto.
Dorsey (while Glendenning posts his last tweets): Get out of there! Get out of there! What’s wrong with him? Why doesn’t he just leave! Get out of there! Get out of there, damnit!
Russell Brand (tweeting): It’s getting hot in here. Best take off all my clothes. Strong, manly hands around throat. Bring condoms.

Kebabs & Urine (15)

September 22, 2010

Kebabs & Urine (15)

Mike Leigh’s latest slice-of-life drama.

Tired of the recurring death threats, incontinent abortionist Dr Mortimer Waters (Timothy Spall) retires from his Yorkshire-based practice and moves to a quaint English seaside town where he falls in love with a waitress, Mary Tippleton (Tilda Swinton) – a devout Catholic, who’s bored and waiting for life to happen.

 As their relationship develops, Dr Waters becomes concerned that his feelings could never be fully reciprocated if Mary learnt of his old profession. (note: include emotional scene of a soaked Dr Waters burying his abortionist tools in the garden in the middle of a storm.)

When Mary learns that she’s pregnant (impossible as she’s a virgin!), Dr Waters chances fate and informs her of his past. Hilarity ensues.

Possible dialogue:

Dr Waters: “Eeh by gum! I shall miss thee little buggers – eh? What’s this? – oh no, I’ve pissed missen!”

Night of the Manshund (R)

September 16, 2010

Again, apologies for the delay in between posts. Thank you for your patience.

And to the Sean Bean fans, welcome! Might have to consider a Sean Bean Month.

Night of the Manshund (R)

Albert Fish (Bob Hoskins) and Charlie Chipps (Phil Collins) are two London Bobbies on the trail of the infamous Bermondsey Butcher, a homicidal maniac slaughtering German tourists and churning their remains into (delicious yet oh-so-wrong) sausages.

Over time, they uncover clues that suggest they are not dealing with a mere mortal but a fearsome Manshund (part man/part Dachshund – played by Ray Winstone).

When Special Detective Adolf Himmler (Rutger Hauer) is brought in from Berlin to help, things get a little testy between him and Fish & Chipps (naturally). But they must learn to work together capture the man-beast before it’s too late! (Note: include lame sub-plot that brings the Queen’s German ancestry into play.)

The climactic scene involves Fish, Chipps and Himmler luring the Manshund into a pub with a meat pie and gassing it with Xyclon-5.

Possible Dialogue:

Chipps (after Manshund lets out prolonged dying yelp): Hot Dog! (detectives laugh heartily and share a group hug)

 Possible Epilogue Dialogue:

Chipps: Adolph, we couldn’t have done it without you… Or should I say, Sir Adolph!

Himmler: Tank you Chipps. And tank you your majestee for tis great honour.

Queen (Judi Dench): Sie sind willkommen.

The Last Homo (PG-13)

June 29, 2010

The Last Homo (PG-13)

Europe: about 25,000 BC. The war between modern humans (Homo Sapiens) & Neanderthals (Homo Californicacious) is drawing to a close. The primitive Neanderthals, have been all but wiped out, by the more advanced invaders from Africa. Only a single Neanderthal remains: Ugg (Arnold Schwarzenegger).

Ugg is determined not to go quietly and mounts a one-man guerrilla war against the humans. During one particularly successful raid against the human camp, Ugg kidnaps the leader’s mate (Halle Berry). The human leader (Wesley Snipes) is furious and orders his men to hunt down and  kill the savage before he can mate with his woman.

Will brute force & primitive weapons prevail against brains, long enough for Ugg to pass on his genes? Or is Ugg (& his entire species) facing extinction?

* the opening battle scene will feature the acting debut of World Cup star Carlos Tevez, seen here with his mother:

EBITDAR (PG)

April 6, 2010

EBITDAR (PG)

Experience it in IMAX 3D

Genre: Sucky Sci-Fi

The peaceful, commie, homo-loving, blue people of the planet ‘Data’ are attacked by an aggressive, warlike race of pink men (The Sayles).

After much fighting & explosions, the blue people emerge victorious, (Despite their philosophy that fighting & explosions solve nothing).

What About Dad? (PG-13)

March 30, 2010

What About Dad? (PG-13)

Unhappy and jaded teenager Stacy Fairchild (Ellen Page) decides to seek out her long-lost paternal father (Michael Keaton) despite her mother (Sigourney Weaver) and stepfather’s (Tom Skerritt) wishes.

Shockingly, Stacy discovers that her father has been in a mental institution for twenty years – something she was never told. Against her mother’s wishes, she decides to visit and meet him for the first time (includes very emotional reunion scene).

Much to Stacy’s surprise, the crazy father tells her that he was duped into the mental hospital by his conniving ex-wife (her mom) and her boyfriend (now her stepfather) – stealing his fortune in the process. He convinces her that he’s sane and she decides to help him sneak out to seek redemption and revenge.

Hilarity ensues when the dad turns out to be crazy as a loon.

Possible dialogue:

Crazy dad: Don’t you see? They stole my freedom, they stole my daughter… they stole… my… life!

Daughter: (in tears) OK, dad. I’m going to get you out of here.

Crazy dad: Just let me get my cape and my Barbies.

The First Mermaid (PG-13)

A victim of low self-esteem, Thandy Milson (Scarlett Johansson) is forever unhappy with her self-image. After several unsuccessful attempts at plastic surgery, she decides to replace her bottom half with that of a large tuna – thus becoming the first  mermaid.

With her change, comes minor celebrity and fame. She appears on talk shows, reality TV, etc… Despite the attention, however, her self-esteem is no better and she begins to regret he mer-status.

One evening she is drugged and kidnapped by a billionaire Russian (Rick Moranis) with a penchant for collecting rare beasts. She is deposited in a specially built tank in the Russian’s mansion. When she awakes, she discovers she’s not the only captive in the Russian’s animal ‘harem’ and befriends other exotic creatures.

The captives are all eventually informed that they are to be part of a massive feast, hosted by the Russian billionaire. So they must work together and combine forces to plot their escape (ultimately she learns that self-confidence doesn’t come from having a nice tuna butt, etc…)

Possible dialogue:
Mermaid: “Slap him now beaverman!”