Vampires of Atlantis (PG-13)

 Genre: Rubbish vampire movie that oddly makes a lot of money

 The crew of a stricken German U-boat have to battle underwater vampires when their sub crashes to the seabed, disturbing the lost city of Atlantis (see

 Skipper (Matt Dillon) enlists the help of his prisoners: British spy (Jessica Alba) & American GI (Djimon Hounsou) to help fend off the army of the undead, led by the Count & Countess Du Pompadour (Liam Neeson & Jessica Biel [in a wet vampire costume]).

 The climax features sole survivors Hounsou and Alba gathering all the wood on board the sub to make a giant torpedo-sized stake, which they aim at the heart of the underwater city.

 Possible dialogue:

 Hounsou: “Fire one!………………….gotcha BLOODSUCKAAAAAAZ!!”


 **Full treatment now available here


Pirates of the Gulf of Aden (G)

Genre: Blockbuster pirate flick / Inter-racial love story


Muhammad Akbar (Johnny Depp) and his band of merry pirates (Omid Djalili, Djimon Hounsou, Michael Richards, etc.) patrol the seas of the Gulf of Aden in a high speed dhow, hunting for wealthy merchant vessels to loot.

One day, whilst patroling the open sea, they happen upon a raft on which a ragged, lifeless person (Trump Steelman played by Hugh Grant) lay. Despite some of the pirates’ suspicions, Steelman is employed by Muhammad as an assistant-to-the-junior-yeoman pirate. Unbeknownst to Muhammad, however, Steelman is actually in the pay of the Royal Navy and is acting as a covert undercover agent.

Steelman quickly adjusts to life as a pirate and soon becomes involved in a seedy affair with the ship’s cook – Sunita Chowdry (Rae Dawn Chong) [note: the only meal she knows how to cook is baked beans which is Steelman’s favourite – thus leading to a shared carnal attraction]. Steelman vows to help her escape the grips of the pirates, once the Royal Navy returns to save him.

The pirates, however, intercept a Royal Navy radio signal that reveals the truth behind the new assistant-to-the-junior-yeoman pirate. Muhammad is furious and devises a plan to earn his revenge (insert: torture scene (involving really hot baked beans) that requires some serious Oscar-worthy method-acting by Hugh Grant – may or may not be possible.)

Steelman is then left how he was found: lifeless and floating on a raft in the middle of the Gulf of Aden.

TBD: Unsure how this will end… possible endings include one with: a talking whale (voice by Forest Whitaker), a friendly tortoise (voice by Jason Alexander) or a helpful mermaid/merman (Dame Judi Dench), etc…

Illegal Aliens (R)

December 22, 2008


Illegal Aliens (R)

The tale of three illegal immigrants (Omid Djalili, Djimon Hounson and Sir Ben Kinglsey) who arrive in the UK by boat, only to discover that the island has been taken over by zombies.

They go around killing loads of zombies, including those in the Houses of Parliament.

[Essentially, a thinly veiled anti-West rant that would be huge in the Middle East.]