A very special treat for you all, as we present our first ever celebrity-penned failed movie:

In the Tweet of the Night (PG-13)

With only a week left before he retires to a log cabin in Concord, Massachusetts, technophobe fire chief Raymond Dorsey (Jeff Bridges) is perplexed by a series of dead bodies found hunched in front of their computer screens across Boston.

Intrigued by an increasing number of tweets recounting the cause of each poster’s own death in her Twitter timeline, journalist Nina Hutchison (Megan Fox) begins to investigate the phenomena. She quickly realises that people have become so addicted to sharing every details of their day-to-day life, that the victims have stayed at their computers tweeting about house fires, perishing at their computers instead of walking out the door.

The following night, Hutchison’s timeline captures the death of Dame Judi Dench. But, as well mentioning the fire, Dame Dench’s last tweet describes strong, manly hands around her throat. Twenty-four hours later Stephen Fry posts a similar tweet and Hutchison realises Boston has a serial killer on the loose, strangling his victims and burning down their house to hide his tracks.

Hutchison convinces Dorsey to let her help catch the killer. After wrongly being arrested as a suspect, 50 Cent (Forest Whitaker) lends a hand and the mismatched threesome track down and apprehend Barbara Stone (Ellen DeGeneres), though not before Stone has also killed twitterati Russell Brand, Barry Glendenning and Peter Serafinowicz.

Possible dialogue:

Dorsey: Worldwidewhat? Interwhich? I don’t understand what you’re saying!
50Cent (tweeting): Gonna find who you are fuck and fuck you up, bitch. No ho fuck with my homo homie @StephenFry without getting whupped upside his head. Dog.
English50Cent (tweeting): One will discover your identity and cause one pain. One doesn’t mess with my best boy, Stephen Fry, without a cuff around the ear. Whatto.
Dorsey (while Glendenning posts his last tweets): Get out of there! Get out of there! What’s wrong with him? Why doesn’t he just leave! Get out of there! Get out of there, damnit!
Russell Brand (tweeting): It’s getting hot in here. Best take off all my clothes. Strong, manly hands around throat. Bring condoms.

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Pirates of the Gulf of Aden (G)

Genre: Blockbuster pirate flick / Inter-racial love story

Plot:

Muhammad Akbar (Johnny Depp) and his band of merry pirates (Omid Djalili, Djimon Hounsou, Michael Richards, etc.) patrol the seas of the Gulf of Aden in a high speed dhow, hunting for wealthy merchant vessels to loot.

One day, whilst patroling the open sea, they happen upon a raft on which a ragged, lifeless person (Trump Steelman played by Hugh Grant) lay. Despite some of the pirates’ suspicions, Steelman is employed by Muhammad as an assistant-to-the-junior-yeoman pirate. Unbeknownst to Muhammad, however, Steelman is actually in the pay of the Royal Navy and is acting as a covert undercover agent.

Steelman quickly adjusts to life as a pirate and soon becomes involved in a seedy affair with the ship’s cook – Sunita Chowdry (Rae Dawn Chong) [note: the only meal she knows how to cook is baked beans which is Steelman’s favourite – thus leading to a shared carnal attraction]. Steelman vows to help her escape the grips of the pirates, once the Royal Navy returns to save him.

The pirates, however, intercept a Royal Navy radio signal that reveals the truth behind the new assistant-to-the-junior-yeoman pirate. Muhammad is furious and devises a plan to earn his revenge (insert: torture scene (involving really hot baked beans) that requires some serious Oscar-worthy method-acting by Hugh Grant – may or may not be possible.)

Steelman is then left how he was found: lifeless and floating on a raft in the middle of the Gulf of Aden.

TBD: Unsure how this will end… possible endings include one with: a talking whale (voice by Forest Whitaker), a friendly tortoise (voice by Jason Alexander) or a helpful mermaid/merman (Dame Judi Dench), etc…

Treehugger (PG-13)

December 17, 2008

 

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Treehugger (PG-13)

Environmentalist Mia Appleton (Megan Fox) is hiking through the Amazonian rainforest when she stumbles upon a magnificent tree (voiced by Forest Whitaker). She is seduced by the branches and leaves, and decides to spend the rest of her days in its company.

After a few happy months, her world is turned upside down when a local logging company, run by Juande Suarez (Edward James Olmos), is ordered in to deforest the area.

Mia manages to save the tree from destruction, thanks to some crafty MacGyver-like work to ward off the evil logging company.

Possible Dialogue:

Mia: Oh tree, your bark is so thick and rough.

Tree: Rub me baby… rub me aaaaaallllll night looooooong…