Creatures of Habit (PG-13)

October 30, 2011

Creatures of Habit (PG-13)

https://i0.wp.com/static.desktopnexus.com/thumbnails/91960-bigthumbnail.jpg The Wolfman 02

Genre: Horror

Deep in the forests of Eastern Europe, an isolated convent is plagued by a series of terrifying attacks carried out by a mysterious wolf-like creature. The mother superior (Dame Judi Dench) contacts the Vatican for help, who send their best (only) werewolf hunter (Brad Pitt) to investigate. When the priest/wolf hunter enters into the sexually charged atmosphere, he immediately steps up security & makes the building ‘werewolf-proof’. Nothing will be able to get in or out.

The attacks continue. The priest is convinced that one of the nuns must be the culprit so he decides to call in the young nuns for interrogation, one by one. He suspects one novice nun (Zooey Deschanel) in particular, but ultimately, the interviews prove to be inconclusive (*werewolves are extremely hard to crack, and its possible that the nun in question may not even realise herself)

But one thing is certain. The novice nun and the priest are strongly attracted to each other. Eventually they give in to temptation and in a shocking scene, their love making literally brings out the beast in her, as she transforms into a wolf right in front of the startled priest! The cornered priest, far from being terrified, is clearly delighted and in a surprising twist, he also transforms into a werewolf! (*he feared he was the last of his kind and has been searching for a mate for years, using the disguise of Vatican wolf-hunter as the prefect cover) The gratuitious sex scene, which began in typical Hollywood fashion, concludes in a style more reminiscent of an explicit David Attenborough documentary.

The pair of wolves are now set to escape, where they will no doubt begin the process of repopulating the forests with their cursed species, which for so long, was thought to have been eradicated.

But the mother superior knows she cannot allow that to happen, even if she must sacrifice herself and all her sisters in the process.

And so begins a night of terror, under a full moon, as werewolf faces nun, in a desperate battle for survival. Will anyone live to see the dawn?…

https://i1.wp.com/fc07.deviantart.com/fs42/f/2009/108/d/9/Werewolf_v_s__Warrior_Nun_by_mdjc.jpg

Fast & Führerous (PG-13)

September 26, 2011

Fast & Führerous (PG-13)

 

Tagline: One man can change history. But only if there’s two of him.

Time Traveller, Cliff Clayburn (David Schwimmer) returns in what could be his last (or first) adventure.

Cliff has promised not to meddle in time travel anymore and instead takes up the gentle hobby of genealogy. As he delves into his family history, he is horrified to discover exactly how much the Clayburns suffered at the hands of the Nazis – they were all but wiped out!

Cliff becomes obsessed with the idea of using his time machine, one last time, to alter the course of history for the better by killing Hitler before WWII, thereby bringing his murdered relatives back from the dead (along with countless millions of others).

But in a shock discovery, Cliff finds irrefutable proof that his biological grandfather was actually Adolf Hitler! (his late grandmother, a German Jewish gymnast, had often spoken of how she once met Hitler during the 1936 Berlin Olympics but clearly she hadn’t told the whole story.)

What is Cliff to do? If he succeeds in his plan, millions will be saved but his children will cease to exist. For Cliff, it comes down to a simple mathematics so he continues with his plan.

But how can an American Jew get close enough to the Führer to kill him?  Cliff decides that the only way is to compete in the 1936 Olymics and win gold. Then, when he comes face to face with Hitler at the medal presentation, he would a perfect opportunity to strike. To achieve this, however,  Cliff (now pushing fifty) will have to beat Jesse Owens over 100 meters.

Cliff has an idea. He used to be a very promising athlete in college but he lacked the maturity and dedication required to get to the top. With his time machine, however, Cliff can stop off in the 80’s, pick up his 18-year-old self (we’ll need some CGI trickery here) and together they can continue to travel back in time to 1930’s Nazi Germany, where middle-aged Cliff can coach teenage Cliff to Olympic gold!

& so begins an adventure combining sporting glory with wartime espionage (‘Chariots of Fire’ meets ‘Inglorious Basterds’) Will our intrepid heroes: old Cliff, young Cliff, young grandma Clayburn (Natalie Portman), & Jesse Owens (Nelsan Ellis) succeed in their audacious attempt to beat the Nazi’s in their own back yard? & will Cliff actually change history for the better? or just make things worse as usual?

Clayburn Chronicles:

Cliff Clayburn Duplication

Death Spam

Timestorm

Jihotties (NC-17)

September 17, 2011

Jihotties (NC-17)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Genre: High-octane Iranian action thriller (in Arabic/Farsi with English sub-titles)

Plot: Farhah (vivacious & flirty, played by Camila Al Fayed), Latifah ( jaded & bitter) and Sunbul (wise & big breasted – Salma Hayek) are members of a female Iranian Special Forces team. Their secretive leader, Mahmoud (whom we never see), delivers the order they’ve all been waiting for – “detonate a nuclear weapon in New York City”.

Arriving during Fashion Week under the guise of Iranian fashion models, they get down to some serious shopping before finalizing their dastardly deed.

Hot on their tails is CIA’s super agent , Solly Winterbaum (Adrian Brody), a man obsessed with stopping (or sleeping with) the Jihotties.

Will the Jihotties succeed in their mission? Will they find three matching pairs of camouflage Manolo Blahnik’s? Will Solly sleep with the wise, big breasted one?

Possible dialogue:

Farhah: Yay, road trip!

Latifah: Shut up you fool, we must bring death to America.

Sunbul: We may bring death to America, but first we must… how do they say… “shop ‘till we drop”. (giggle, jump, high-five)

All: Death to America!

Richie & Richer (15)

March 21, 2011

Richie & Richer (15)

https://i1.wp.com/static.whatsontv.co.uk/images/0834_102433_141809.jpghttps://i1.wp.com/www.usnews.com/dbimages/master/10457/FE_DA_090409publicopinion.jpg 

Laid back, sophisticated thriller, about the adventures of a pair of Arab playboys (& amatuer sleuths) who always seem to find themsleves caught up in the middle of a baffling mystery.

Sheikh Bin Bhaby Bin Al Saud (Topol), reputedly the richest man in the Middle East, controls the largest entertainment and gambling empire in the world. His No.1 asset is Arab-American Sammi Hoor (Don Cheadle), the most successful Lionel Richie tribute act in the Arab world (who causes a riot wherever he performs). Together they enjoy the best that money can buy, like a modern day, two-man, Rat Pack indulging in a non-stop orgy of alcohol, drugs, prostitutes and Friday prayers. 

Their latest adventure takes them to Abu Dhabi where Sammi is scheduled to perform at the Emirates Palace Hotel. However, they are shocked to discover that one of their oldest showbiz friends from England, Dame Judi Dench (herself), has been arrested and charged with murder (!!) following the discovery of a dead prostitute in her room. Despite proclaiming her innocence, she is scheduled to be executed in the public square in just two days time.

Will our heroes be able to solve the mystery in time to save their old friend? Or will Judi Dench be beheaded! and have her lifeless body paraded through the streets of Abu Dhabi, before being fed to rats in the car park of the luxurious Emirates Palace Hotel 

https://i2.wp.com/www.forallevents.info/leehartgrave/uploaded_images/ARABIAN-NIGHTS-740650.jpg

Mooncrack (PG)

March 13, 2011

Genre: Disaster movie

A team of tough construction workers, led by Chuck Bugger (Randy Quaid) are carrying out the dangerous lunar mission – to build the first Moonbase.

While working on the foundations, the hard-drinking slobs somehow manage to ‘break’ the Moon. A giant crack develops which threatens to literally split the moon in half!

The consequences of such an event would be catastrophic for the Earth. (Crops would fail, birds would fall out of the sky, there’d be worldwide tsunamis, & the Earth would be left in permanent daylight!)

The construction workers are trapped in a cave, so the only answer is to mount a daring rescue mission, led by none other than Cissy Bugger (Megan Fox), estranged daughter of Chuck & a fully qualified construction worker who was denied a place on the original mission due to the dangerous nature of the work.

Is it possible that a woman can succeed where men have failed & thereby save her father, & mankind in the process?

https://failedscreenwriter.files.wordpress.com/2011/03/crack.jpg?w=300https://i2.wp.com/files6.fliiby.com/images/_original/0kb45gddqp.jpg

Ching, Chong & the Chinaman (R)

Genre: Wild West Kick ‘Em Up

1854: A small group of specially-trained, fresh-off-the-boat Chinamen (Jet Li as Ching, Stephen Chow as Chong, Jackie Chan as ‘the Chinaman’) travel to California. Their mission? To win big at local casinos using sneaky card counting tricks and bust out sick kung fu moves if required (note: they will be).

But Sacremento proves one town too far. The casino’s owner, notorious Jack ‘Cattle Prod’ Jones (Steven Seagal) and his henchmen (Jean-Claude ‘Heart Attack’ Van Damme & Jason Statham) aren’t going to let their money go without a fight. High octane action ensues.

Special cameo by Loni Anderson as the town whore.

Possible Dialogue:

Jones: Hand back the cash and your little friend here won’t get hurt.

The Chinaman: Let’s paint this town yarrow (flurry of flying kicks and punches, cash flies everywhere, Chong is prodded in the unmentionables, etc…)

Vault Disney (R)

November 15, 2010

Vault Disney (R)

Genre: Horror (‘Final Destination’ meets Who Framed Roger Rabbit’)

Tagline: “Why won’t you die, you frozen headed motherfucker!?”

A few days before Halloween, a group of thrill-seeking California teens break into the secret vault containing the cryogenically frozen corpse of Walt Disney and steal his head as a prank.

The following night ‘Headless Walt’ returns to stalk the ‘Burbs. He wants his head back and he wants revenge against them that took it.

And so begins a trail of terror, as one by one the teens are tracked down and killed in a variety of ways, all reminiscent of classic Disney movies. (*Walt is able to summon up nightmare versions of much loved cartoon characters to help him carry out the series of grisly murders – e.g. one girl is hacked to death by a gang of midgets, while another boy is ripped to pieces by a pack of rabid dalmations, etc…)

Eventually, the one remaining teen (Mary Elizabeth Winstead) turns to her father (Kurt Russell) for help. So on Halloween, they make what will prove to be their last trip together to Disneyland (the scene of many happy family memories for both of them) as they face a final showdown with Walt on the roof of Sleeping Beauty’s castle during a thunderstorm.

* In true Disney style, there’ll be a range of crapy merchandise to cash in on this one, such as ‘Headless Walt’ action figures and a child’s nightlight in the shape of a head that sings a creepy, croaky version of ‘When You Wish Upon a Star’ (but only when it knows the child is alone)