G-Gnomes (PG-13)

January 22, 2010

G-Gnomes (PG-13)

Big-budget, live-action reboot of the popular Canadian children’s cartoon series.

Nestdancer (Peter Drinklage) & Magicgrin (Tom Cruise) lead an elite team of genetically-modified garden gnomes on a secret mission behind enemy lines in Afghanistan.

Their mission: to nuke the poppy fields and thereby win the war on drugs and terror in one fell swoop.

Go G-Gnomes!

Possible dialogue:

Magicgrin: Jesus fucking Christ, Nestdancer… don’t go faggot on me! You knew there’d be casualties on this mission! We’re doing this to stop the kids in Quebec from becoming fucked up junkies, like your mother! Now let’s nuke these homos and go home, capiche?!”

The Pizza Boy Tragedy (G)

pizza

Genre: Another one for the kids

Pizzeria owner, Jimmy Gepetto (Robert Loggia), always dreamt of having a son to call his own. One evening he makes a boy-shaped pizza, places it in the oven and whispers a wish before drifting off to sleep.

When Jimmy awakes, he is surprised to find a small pizza-boy (Tom Cruise) running around his restaurant. Recognizing the potential marketing appeal of a pizza-boy, Jimmy begins to exploit the boy’s image. Success soon follows and chains of ‘Pizza-Boy®’ pizzerias appear everywhere.

Pizza-boy grows disillusioned with his father, who now has very little time for him. One night, Pizza-boy sneaks out of the restaurant and runs into Jiminy Cockroach (voiced by Steve Buscemi), a sleazy pimp whose ‘girls’ are actually rodents. Pizza-boy is lured into the red light district and ultimately, to his death – devoured by prostitute vermin.

Possible dialogue:

Jiminy: “Hey Pizza Boy! You look like a guy who could use some rat pu**y. Am I right or am I right?”