Night Witches (PG-13)

January 4, 2010

Night Witches (PG-13)

The extraordinary, but little known, tale of how a young Queen Elizabeth secretly joined Britain’s only all-female regiment that flew over 30,000 missions along the Western Front in WWII. At home they we known as Churchill’s Fannies but terrified German troops called them the Night Witches.

The surviving members of the squadron, now all grannies in their 80s and 90s (Helen Mirren, Maggie Smith, Judi Dench), tell their remarkable true story to an awestruck young reporter (Tobey Maguire).

In flashbacks we see their younger selves (Keira Knightley, Helena Bonham Carter, Kate Winslet) transformed from simple country girls, into the courageous warriors, who defeat the Nazis.

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"I'll soon get me gin money, see what a jolly bonnet i've got?"

The Frightful Fears of Fanny Fanciful (R)

The story of a paranoid-schizophrenic prostitute Fanny Fanciful (Dame Judi Dench) in Victorian London who is obsessed with the idea that one day she will be attacked whilst ‘on duty’. Unfortunately she has no choice to continue her ‘work’ in order to get by.

Despite her friends’ attempts to calm her fears (friends played by Helen Mirren, Tilda Swinton, Dame Maggie Smith, Loni Anderson) she becomes increasingly delusional, and ends up turning to gin to help calm her frayed nerves.

At one of her many frequented gin joints, she is befriended by a male companion (Donald Sutherland or Mickey Rooney), who (over time) is able to soothe her into a sense of security.

Unfortunately, he ends up being Jack the Ripper – and she becomes his first victim.

Possible scene: Vicious topless bar brawl between Fanny and rival French tart (Catherine Deneuve – aka the French Dench) featuring a lot of rolling around in sawdust/biting each other’s bingo-wings etc (will rival naked brawl scenes from Borat and Eastern Promises).

When the Well Runs Dry (G)

January 6, 2009

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When the Well Runs Dry (G)

Riveting 9 hour documentary featuring over-the-hill out-of-work actresses drinking Crantinis and talking about being over-the-hill and out-of-work. Featuring the likes of Dame Judi Dench, Helen Mirren, Shirley Maclaine, Sean Young, Debra Winger, Margo Kidder, Loni Anderson

Special appearance by Cuba Gooding Jr, who discusses his unique career path and apologizes for his Oscar win.

Possible Follow Up: A film featuring Cuba Gooding Jr, who is forced to perform degrading acts to win roles in upcoming movies.

Slap Happy (G)

December 23, 2008

mirrendm_468x388-707338Slap Happy (G)

Date-rape/rom-com staring Tommy Lee Jones, Claire Danes & Helen Mirren

Fun loving rapist Alabama Slam (Jones) gets more than he bargained for when mother & daughter victims, Sarah & Jessica Parker (Danes & Mirren) decide to teach him a lesson he’ll never forget.

“a life-affirming Christmas treat” (The Sun)