Night of the Manshund (R)

Again, apologies for the delay in between posts. Thank you for your patience.

And to the Sean Bean fans, welcome! Might have to consider a Sean Bean Month.

Night of the Manshund (R)

Albert Fish (Bob Hoskins) and Charlie Chipps (Phil Collins) are two London Bobbies on the trail of the infamous Bermondsey Butcher, a homicidal maniac slaughtering German tourists and churning their remains into (delicious yet oh-so-wrong) sausages.

Over time, they uncover clues that suggest they are not dealing with a mere mortal but a fearsome Manshund (part man/part Dachshund – played by Ray Winstone).

When Special Detective Adolf Himmler (Rutger Hauer) is brought in from Berlin to help, things get a little testy between him and Fish & Chipps (naturally). But they must learn to work together capture the man-beast before it’s too late! (Note: include lame sub-plot that brings the Queen’s German ancestry into play.)

The climactic scene involves Fish, Chipps and Himmler luring the Manshund into a pub with a meat pie and gassing it with Xyclon-5.

Possible Dialogue:

Chipps (after Manshund lets out prolonged dying yelp): Hot Dog! (detectives laugh heartily and share a group hug)

 Possible Epilogue Dialogue:

Chipps: Adolph, we couldn’t have done it without you… Or should I say, Sir Adolph!

Himmler: Tank you Chipps. And tank you your majestee for tis great honour.

Queen (Judi Dench): Sie sind willkommen.

First Doggy (G)

First Doggy (G)

U.S President (Tim Allen) is on a top secret stopover trip to North Korea to hopefully sign a peace treaty with Kim Jong-il (Bob Hoskins).

While there, his beloved talking dog ‘Boner’ (voiced by Tom Skerritt) gets lost on the streets of Pyongyang.

The Chief of Staff (Martin Short) is instantly appointed as dogcatcher-in-chief, and given 24 hours to find the missing dog while the anxious President continues with the summit.

Luckily, Boner meets ‘Elderflower’ (voiced by Sophia Loren) a tough streetwalking Siamese cat, who takes the innocent American under her wing.
Together they attempt to avoid danger (including hungry locals) and make it back to Air Force One, before it has to take off with or without them.

Maybe along the way they can succeed where the humans have failed and somehow bring their two great nations closer together?
(*a lot closer if Boner has his way!)

Minute by Minute – UK version

Minute by Minute – ITV Movie of the Week

Genre: Thinly veiled rip-off of The Firm

When sports journalist Rod Smith (Martin Freeman) is asked by his editor/boss (Bob Hoskins) to publish implausible football rumours (mainly related to football manager Henry Redknack) in their normally reputable newspaper, he prints them without a second thought.

The practice soon becomes a regular occurrence, and Rod is rewarded with large bonuses and glowing reviews. Rod, feeling that he’s finally getting his due, spends his new fortunes lavishly on vast quantities of Monster Munch® and Pepsi Max®.

One evening in the pub, Rod’s drunken Irish colleague Benny Glengarry (Dylan Moran) informs him that he believes that the editors are printing fake rumours to affect spread betting odds – which, in turn, they (and football manager Henry Redknack) are betting against to make a small fortune. Rod dismisses the notion, convinced that Benny is out of his mind.

The next day, Benny is found dead seemingly having choked on a fried chicken bone. Rod, knowing that Benny was a vegetarian (having only ever seen him eat potato-based foodstuffs), becomes suspicious and begins investigating the betting allegations himself.

When he discovers his bosses are indeed corrupt, murderous, organized criminals, he must risk his own life to escape the intricate web of deceit.

Possible Reviews:

“Rubbish” – Sid Lowe, Guardian

Peterdamus (G)

Peterdamus (G)

"The blue leader will inflict upon the white leader. As much damage as France has done them good. Death from the great antenna hanging on the branch, the beasts of the jungle will be forced to wear 3-piece suits. Green probably."

The little known tale of Nostradamus’ (Ian McKellen) main rival, Peterdamus (Bob Hoskins), who foresaw the future but, was ultimately wrong about everything he predicted. His writings remained hidden for years. Unearthed earlier this year, his visions amazingly mirrored plot lines of the loved Babar children’s series.

Mocked by his contemporaries, Peterdamus feverishly wrote out all his visions in the hopes that they might one day help humanity. Many in his community saw him as the devil, and the town children shivered at tales of a ruling aristocratic elephant family.

One day, he was challenged by Nostradamus (“This town ain’t big enough for the two of us”). In the town square, in front of a gathering of the townsfolk, they were to predict events for the coming week. Seeing as every answer Peterdamus gave had something to do with a blue-blooded elephant, Nostradamus was declared the victor. Peterdamus was chased from the city limits and was never heard of again… until now!

Possible dialogue:

Town elder: What say ye of the coming fortnight?

Nostradamus: Many will rise, and many will eat aplenty.

Crowd: (murmurs, nods of approval)

Peterdamus: The elephant prince will refuse to share his ice lolly, which will anger his crocodile friend.

Man in crowd: Burn him!

Sudden Downpour (PG-13)

 

Sudden Downpour (PG-13)

 

Torrential rain and terrorism are about to strike London.

 

Hot-shot weather-woman Carol Kirkwood’s (Angelina Jolie) daughter is kidnapped by terrists. Carol is blackmailed by the terrists into giving a false forecast (hot ‘n’ sunny) so that the police and emergency services will be distracted dealing with the ensuing panic of a sudden downpour, leaving the terrists (Muslims probably? & led by Sir Ben Kingsley or Omid Djalili) free to rob the bank of England!

 

But of course they hadn’t counted on Carol, along with her sidekick – anchorman Declan Curry (Bob Hoskins), fighting back to save the day, etc etc

 

Note: must choose song to play over the end credits as people are shuffling out of the cinema saying: “what a rubbish Die Hard rip-off, let’s go eat”.