First Doggy (G)

March 1, 2010

First Doggy (G)

U.S President (Tim Allen) is on a top secret stopover trip to North Korea to hopefully sign a peace treaty with Kim Jong-il (Bob Hoskins).

While there, his beloved talking dog ‘Boner’ (voiced by Tom Skerritt) gets lost on the streets of Pyongyang.

The Chief of Staff (Martin Short) is instantly appointed as dogcatcher-in-chief, and given 24 hours to find the missing dog while the anxious President continues with the summit.

Luckily, Boner meets ‘Elderflower’ (voiced by Sophia Loren) a tough streetwalking Siamese cat, who takes the innocent American under her wing.
Together they attempt to avoid danger (including hungry locals) and make it back to Air Force One, before it has to take off with or without them.

Maybe along the way they can succeed where the humans have failed and somehow bring their two great nations closer together?
(*a lot closer if Boner has his way!)

Box Office Poison (UR)

September 2, 2009

Box Office Poison (UR) (English language version)

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donatella

Genre: Lurid Italian horror/thriller

Lonely, creepy, Venetian cinema projectionist, Dario Dante (Geoffrey Rush) has only one interest in life: Donatella Versace. He stalks her around the sinister alleyways and canals of Venice, secretly filming her. He then edits the footage together with his own home movies, to create a make-believe love story which he screens late at night, while gratifying himself, surrounded by the hundreds of screaming wild cats who inhabit his cinema (all of whom have cat-AIDS).

One day a ray of light enters his life. His humble cinema has been chosen to host the premiere of Sophia Loren’s latest movie First Doggy. All of the top celebrities in Italy will be attending, including Donatella. Dario takes this as a sign that they are meant to be together and begins to make preparations for the big night.

Meanwhile, Donatella is aware she is being stalked but not by whom. She hires a personal security adviser: retired English detective, Ginny Swine (Judi Dench) – who moves into the Versace mansion and begins a torrid and totally inappropriate lesbian affair with her employer.

The night of the premiere arrives. Half way through the movie, Dario swaps it for his ‘love story’. The audience is shocked at first but then they (including Donatella) begin laughing. Dario is sent over the edge by a mixture of shame and anger, and decides to put plan ‘B’ into action (ie kill everyone). He releases a canister of Zyklon B poison gas that he’s hidden beneath Roberto Benigni‘s seat.

As the auditorium fills with dead and dying Italian celebs, five lucky souls manage to crawl to the foyer (Ginny, Donatella, Silvio Berlusconi & his new girlfriend: Foxy Knoxy, & err? that porn star/politician with the big boobs who was married to Jeff Koons). Together they must attempt to escape the labyrinthian & booby trapped cinema, while Dario & his AIDS infected cats try to pick them off one by one.

Who will survive?

Spring Cleaning

April 29, 2009

Spring Cleaning 4-in-1

It’s spring cleaning time here at failedscreenwriter.com.

For your perusal, a collection of some real duds that have been in development for far too long:

Here Come the Girls (R)

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After a female politician is publicly humiliated during an election campaign in a male-dominated town in the Deep South, an angry lesbian couple (the shaved-headed kind) (Natalie Portman & Sandra Bullock) move down from New York to take matters into their own hands.

Day of the Badger (R)

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After a government sponsored cull of the badger population, badger lover Jake Hinson (Kris Kristofferson) decides to avenge their murder by hunting the hunters one by one.

Polar Opposites (G)

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Fluffy rom-com about two people (Sandra Bullock & Hugh Jackman) who suffer from manic depression. They meet each other while on a ‘manic high’ and have a ‘blast’. Hilarity ensues when they both drop into a deep and prolonged depression.

Silver Foxes (NC-17)

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Three hardnosed ex-lady-cops (all with their own special individual skills) are forced out of retirement and work together when a maniac runs loose in their seniors’ compound stealing garden gnomes.

Starring Dame Judi Dench as Detective Ginny Swine, Sandra Bullock as Goldie Hollins, Sophia Loren as Siena Fonseca. 

Notes: To feature a groundbreaking love scene involving all three ladies and a frozen stick of butter.