No Shit Sherlock (PG-13)

April 20, 2009

No Shit Sherlock (PG-13)


London 1888: Queen Victoria (Dame Judi Dench) pays a visit to 221b Baker Street to enlist the help of the great detective Sherlock Holmes (Mickey Rourke) in finding her missing idiot grandson Prince Eddy (Jude Law). The Prince  is thought to be somewhere in the East End (probably slumming it in some opium den) but with the maniac ripper roaming the streets, the Queen wants him found asap.

Holmes (a recovering heroin addict) reluctantly agrees to take the case, knowing he will have to face temptation at every turn.

It’s down to loyal friend & partner, Dr Watson (Curtis ’50 Cent’ Jackson) to keep Holmes off the smack long enough for them to crack the case.

Possible dialogue:

Watson: “Don’t you bloody die on me man!  Wake up Holmes!  I love you dammit!”
Holmes:  “Pipe down you old fool Watson, you’ll blow my cover…  zzzzzzzz.”

Heroine Cheek (R)

February 25, 2009


Heroine Cheek (R)

Heroin-themed screwball comedy that follows a band of drug addicts – Chase Hudler (Mickey Rourke), Steve Simkins (Joaquin Phoenix), Jade Johnson (Courtney Love) & Ricky White (Steve Coogan) – who move to an isolated part of Afghanistan to start a poppy farm. All doesn’t go to plan, however, when they encounter local trouble makers (aka the Taliban – led by Omid Djalili).

Whilst the zany mad-cap antics between the two rival groups (e.g. suicide bombings, torture, etc.) lead to a stalemate, Jade Johnson ODs. The remaining addicts see this as an opportunity to smuggle a load of heroin back to the States – theyconcoct a story about how Jade was an American heroine, fighting terrorists in their own back yard.

Before returning the body home, they stuff it full of smack, knowing that the authorities wouldn’t dare search her. Upon return, however, their plans go up in smoke when Jade’s parents decide to cremate the body.

Possible dialogue:

Chase: She’s now packed with over 50 kilos of pure Aunt Hazel.

Steve: I’ve never been as attracted to her as I am now.

Ricky: I totally want to do her.

Chasing Donuts (G)

January 12, 2009


Chasing Donuts (G)

[aka Chasing Doughnuts) – UK



Yet another drippy Data-entry biopic




The amazing true-life story of the infamous Stan Sanford (Mr Spreadsheet, to his friends) – the world’s greatest data entry clerk (played by Shia LaBeouf).


The film documents his extraordinary rise to fame, examining the obstacles he encountered (e.g. his rivalry with the Indian clerk who had extra fingers, his own body’s rejection of the extra finger implants, etc.) and follows his hunt for legendary Jimmy ‘Donuts’ Donovan (played by Mickey Rourke or Mickey Rooney), the man who invented data entry.


Ultimately, Sandford overcomes all obstacles to reach the final of the hit TV series Data Entry Idol (hosted by David Crosby) and eventually becomes the world’s first legitimate triple threat – a man who excels at data entry, donut eating and office spamming.