Brek It Down (PG-13)

October 9, 2011

Brek It Down (PG-13)

Genre: Dance flick

Troubled teen ‘September Katz’ (Ellen Page) just doesn’t get on with her parents (Drew Barrymore & Kevin Bacon). They want her to follow in their footsteps & take up Swing Dancing on ice – but September only has time for her urban, hip hop, step dance crew.

One night, as her parents drive home from the national Ice Swing Dance semi-final, their car is involved in a tragic accident. Both are killed but the family dog (Mr Boogaloo) is thrown clear & survives.

September is devastated & decides to take her parents place in the final (much to the disgust of her crew) but she needs to find a partner she can trust… & it must be someone familiar with her parent’s complicated routines?…..step forward Mr Boogaloo!

With only a week till the final, will they be able to pull it off?

Jihotties (NC-17)

September 17, 2011

Jihotties (NC-17)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Genre: High-octane Iranian action thriller (in Arabic/Farsi with English sub-titles)

Plot: Farhah (vivacious & flirty, played by Camila Al Fayed), Latifah ( jaded & bitter) and Sunbul (wise & big breasted – Salma Hayek) are members of a female Iranian Special Forces team. Their secretive leader, Mahmoud (whom we never see), delivers the order they’ve all been waiting for – “detonate a nuclear weapon in New York City”.

Arriving during Fashion Week under the guise of Iranian fashion models, they get down to some serious shopping before finalizing their dastardly deed.

Hot on their tails is CIA’s super agent , Solly Winterbaum (Adrian Brody), a man obsessed with stopping (or sleeping with) the Jihotties.

Will the Jihotties succeed in their mission? Will they find three matching pairs of camouflage Manolo Blahnik’s? Will Solly sleep with the wise, big breasted one?

Possible dialogue:

Farhah: Yay, road trip!

Latifah: Shut up you fool, we must bring death to America.

Sunbul: We may bring death to America, but first we must… how do they say… “shop ‘till we drop”. (giggle, jump, high-five)

All: Death to America!

Richie & Richer (15)

March 21, 2011

Richie & Richer (15)

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Laid back, sophisticated thriller, about the adventures of a pair of Arab playboys (& amatuer sleuths) who always seem to find themsleves caught up in the middle of a baffling mystery.

Sheikh Bin Bhaby Bin Al Saud (Topol), reputedly the richest man in the Middle East, controls the largest entertainment and gambling empire in the world. His No.1 asset is Arab-American Sammi Hoor (Don Cheadle), the most successful Lionel Richie tribute act in the Arab world (who causes a riot wherever he performs). Together they enjoy the best that money can buy, like a modern day, two-man, Rat Pack indulging in a non-stop orgy of alcohol, drugs, prostitutes and Friday prayers. 

Their latest adventure takes them to Abu Dhabi where Sammi is scheduled to perform at the Emirates Palace Hotel. However, they are shocked to discover that one of their oldest showbiz friends from England, Dame Judi Dench (herself), has been arrested and charged with murder (!!) following the discovery of a dead prostitute in her room. Despite proclaiming her innocence, she is scheduled to be executed in the public square in just two days time.

Will our heroes be able to solve the mystery in time to save their old friend? Or will Judi Dench be beheaded! and have her lifeless body paraded through the streets of Abu Dhabi, before being fed to rats in the car park of the luxurious Emirates Palace Hotel 

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Mooncrack (PG)

March 13, 2011

Genre: Disaster movie

A team of tough construction workers, led by Chuck Bugger (Randy Quaid) are carrying out the dangerous lunar mission – to build the first Moonbase.

While working on the foundations, the hard-drinking slobs somehow manage to ‘break’ the Moon. A giant crack develops which threatens to literally split the moon in half!

The consequences of such an event would be catastrophic for the Earth. (Crops would fail, birds would fall out of the sky, there’d be worldwide tsunamis, & the Earth would be left in permanent daylight!)

The construction workers are trapped in a cave, so the only answer is to mount a daring rescue mission, led by none other than Cissy Bugger (Megan Fox), estranged daughter of Chuck & a fully qualified construction worker who was denied a place on the original mission due to the dangerous nature of the work.

Is it possible that a woman can succeed where men have failed & thereby save her father, & mankind in the process?

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Mary Christmas (G)

December 20, 2010

Mary Christmas (G)

Tagline: All I Want For Christmas Is Your Kidney

Mary Krismas (Queen Latifah) is a middle-aged African-American living with her overbearing mother in a small apartment in downtown Chicago. She is indifferent to the holiday season, mainly because of her mother – who hasn’t celebrated Christmas in 40 years!

In the North Pole, Santa Claus (Kevin James) has come down with a serious illness. The elf doctor tells him his kidneys are failing and is in desperate need of a transplant. Everyone is in despair because it’s believed that Santa has no blood relatives. Weak and weary, however, Santa admits to a one-night affair (include flashback scene – Santa with a giant white afro, pants down to his ankles, etc…) He tells his elves that he is, in fact, the father of a middle-aged African-American woman who lives in a small apartment in Chicago with her overbearing mother, and goes by the name Mary.

In order to save Christmas for everyone, the elder elf vows to track her down and return with her kidney.

To make a long story short, the elf finds Mary and brings her to the North Pole. Borderline racist/culture clash hilarity ensues (i.e. “don’t you have any fried turkey?” etc…)

Possible dialogue:

Elf: Ma’am, it’s the only way to save Santa and Christmas.

Mother: You go honey, and you tell that deadbeat son-of-a-bitch that he owes me forty years of child support!

 Other possible dialogue:

 Santa: All I want for Christmas is your right kidney.

Mary: Pops, if you bring me a Lexus on Christmas morning, you can have my kidney, my spleen AND my uterus!

Ching, Chong & the Chinaman (R)

Genre: Wild West Kick ‘Em Up

1854: A small group of specially-trained, fresh-off-the-boat Chinamen (Jet Li as Ching, Stephen Chow as Chong, Jackie Chan as ‘the Chinaman’) travel to California. Their mission? To win big at local casinos using sneaky card counting tricks and bust out sick kung fu moves if required (note: they will be).

But Sacremento proves one town too far. The casino’s owner, notorious Jack ‘Cattle Prod’ Jones (Steven Seagal) and his henchmen (Jean-Claude ‘Heart Attack’ Van Damme & Jason Statham) aren’t going to let their money go without a fight. High octane action ensues.

Special cameo by Loni Anderson as the town whore.

Possible Dialogue:

Jones: Hand back the cash and your little friend here won’t get hurt.

The Chinaman: Let’s paint this town yarrow (flurry of flying kicks and punches, cash flies everywhere, Chong is prodded in the unmentionables, etc…)

Vault Disney (R)

November 15, 2010

Vault Disney (R)

Genre: Horror (‘Final Destination’ meets Who Framed Roger Rabbit’)

Tagline: “Why won’t you die, you frozen headed motherfucker!?”

A few days before Halloween, a group of thrill-seeking California teens break into the secret vault containing the cryogenically frozen corpse of Walt Disney and steal his head as a prank.

The following night ‘Headless Walt’ returns to stalk the ‘Burbs. He wants his head back and he wants revenge against them that took it.

And so begins a trail of terror, as one by one the teens are tracked down and killed in a variety of ways, all reminiscent of classic Disney movies. (*Walt is able to summon up nightmare versions of much loved cartoon characters to help him carry out the series of grisly murders – e.g. one girl is hacked to death by a gang of midgets, while another boy is ripped to pieces by a pack of rabid dalmations, etc…)

Eventually, the one remaining teen (Mary Elizabeth Winstead) turns to her father (Kurt Russell) for help. So on Halloween, they make what will prove to be their last trip together to Disneyland (the scene of many happy family memories for both of them) as they face a final showdown with Walt on the roof of Sleeping Beauty’s castle during a thunderstorm.

* In true Disney style, there’ll be a range of crapy merchandise to cash in on this one, such as ‘Headless Walt’ action figures and a child’s nightlight in the shape of a head that sings a creepy, croaky version of ‘When You Wish Upon a Star’ (but only when it knows the child is alone)