Blue, Blue Christmas (G)

December 16, 2009

Blue, Blue Christmas (G)

Christmas Eve: Mary (Eva Mendes), a heavily pregnant teenage runaway, is driving through the desert at night pursued by her frantic parents (J.Lo & Judd Hirsch) when a freak snowstorm strikes. The car skids off the road and overturns. Mary is unhurt. Seeing her parent’s headlights in the distance, she continues to make her way through the blizzard on foot.

Intercut with this scene is another featuring a specialist ‘late career’ Elvis impersonator (Jack Black), singing a tragic version of ‘Blue Christmas’ (i.e. slurred words, inappropriate giggling, crying, outbursts of anger, farting, etc). There are two people in the audience – one of them leaves.

Mary sees the lights of what she thinks is an oasis (actually the Sands Hotel – Las Vegas). Safe at last!  But the Republican convention (or something) is in town, they throw her out and there’s nowhere to stay. Mary is forced to break into someone’s garage, whereupon she gives birth to a baby boy.

Christmas day: Jack enters his garage to get some whisky for breakfast and finds a mother and a newborn baby in need of help. He lets them stay. They form a family unit and have the best Christmas ever. Blah, blah…

Jack helps Mary get back on her feet, she helps him clean up his act, he becomes a huge success, they fall in love and the film ends on Christmas day the following year, with Jack top of the bill at the Sands Hotel, performing a sickeningly wholesome version of ‘Blue Christmas’ accompanied by his wife and one year-old daughter. Her parents (J.lo and Judd) are in the audience, applauding wildly (dad is weeping) they hug – celebrity fans Barry Manilow and Celine Dion are also applauding (Barry is weeping) they hug.

The End

See you in the New Year…

Sweet Jesus (G)

December 24, 2008

 Sweet Jesus (G)

Genre: Biblical rom-com | Coming of age drama


Set during the endless summer of ’22, this is the story of a young carefree Israeli freshman, learning about life, love & destiny.



Jesus (Zac Efron) has a lot to deal with: nagging parents, Joseph & Mary (Judd Hirsch & Jennifer Lopez), star quarterback & school bully Stan (Cuba Gooding Jr), the unwanted attention of tough, sarcastic (& pregnant) Mary-Beth Magdalene (Megan Fox) and high school sweetheart, Rebekah (Hayden Panettiere) – who is diagnosed with some or other terminal illness.


Possible dialogue:

Jesus: “but Doc, there must be something you can do”

Physician: “Sorry son, I can’t work miracles, there’s nothing anyone can do now…….”

El Casa Blanca (G)

December 15, 2008


El Casa Blanca (G)

Annoying screwball comedy, possibly directed by Pedro Almodovar or Cheech Marin, in which Regan Rhinestone (Jennifer Lopez) is elected as the USA’s first Mexican-American female president.

Rhinestone promptly moves in along with her good for nothing husband (Jeffrey Tambor) and avaricious mother (Rosie Perez).

Sparks fly when the President begins an affair with White House aide (Isabella Rossellini).

Possible dialogue:

Mom (bursting into the Oval Office): Regan, I can’t find the cucumber I bought anywhere. Do you know where it went?

President: How many times to I have to tell you, mother – I am busy running a country!

Aide: It is on the bedside table… by the butter.

President: Err…