Alpine Lightning (NC-17)

March 24, 2009


 Alpine Lightning (NC-17)

Genre: Dark, erotic, who-dunnit

Dame Judi Dench is back as alcoholic, foul-mouthed, womanising, retired Detective Virginia ‘Ginny’ Swine.

Devastated by the death of her former partner (see ‘Tahoe Thunder’) and determined to kick the booze, Ginny checks into an exclusive Swiss mountain-top drying-out clinic popular with Aussie and Brit celebs.

At first, things seem to be going well. Ginny is sober for the first time in years and enters into a torrid lesbian affair with a fellow patient, Germaine Greer (herself).

But when John Hurt, and then Mel Gibson, are found dead in their rooms (official verdict: accidental autoerotic asphyxiation), Ginny is suspicious. The clinic is cut off by a violent storm and the bodies of Dame Maggie Smith and Russell Crowe are discovered in a similar state.

It’s now clear that an ‘Asphixi-wank serial killer’ is on the loose and Detective Ginny Swine is back on the job… and back on the booze.

When her lover is kidnapped by the killer, Ginny faces a race against time to prevent the death of yet another partner.

Possible dialogue:

Ginny Swine (speaking on the clinic’s PA system): This is a message for whoever is holding Dr Greer. Let her go now and I promise I will let you live. But if you so much as harm a hair on her, I will fu***ing…….. (The sound of the storm drowns out the rest of the sentence)


"I'll soon get me gin money, see what a jolly bonnet i've got?"

The Frightful Fears of Fanny Fanciful (R)

The story of a paranoid-schizophrenic prostitute Fanny Fanciful (Dame Judi Dench) in Victorian London who is obsessed with the idea that one day she will be attacked whilst ‘on duty’. Unfortunately she has no choice to continue her ‘work’ in order to get by.

Despite her friends’ attempts to calm her fears (friends played by Helen Mirren, Tilda Swinton, Dame Maggie Smith, Loni Anderson) she becomes increasingly delusional, and ends up turning to gin to help calm her frayed nerves.

At one of her many frequented gin joints, she is befriended by a male companion (Donald Sutherland or Mickey Rooney), who (over time) is able to soothe her into a sense of security.

Unfortunately, he ends up being Jack the Ripper – and she becomes his first victim.

Possible scene: Vicious topless bar brawl between Fanny and rival French tart (Catherine Deneuve – aka the French Dench) featuring a lot of rolling around in sawdust/biting each other’s bingo-wings etc (will rival naked brawl scenes from Borat and Eastern Promises).