Posh & Spatts (G)

Posh & Spatts (G)

 

Jonathan Posh (Hugh Grant) is an English professional cricket player, who – having learnt of the fortunes to be made in America – decides to try his luck at professional baseball.

Ralph Spatts (Matthew McConaughey) is a career minor-league baseball player from Alabama, who is given the task of taking Posh under his wing. His job: to teach him how to shoot a gun, charm the ladies and hit a curve ball.

Generic culture clash shtick where the upper-class twit struggles with the tribulations of the South-Atlantic Professional Baseball League, and the ignorant Southerner learns to accept a foreigner.

Possible dialogue:

1)

Posh: How might I gain that woman’s affection?

Spatts: Show her your wad and meet her by the dumpster in 10.

Posh: I beg your pardon?

2)

Posh (puffing on a cheroot): Wouldn’t you just love to smash her back doors?

Spatts: Breakin’ n’ enerin’ is eeelegal in this county.

Posh (taking a slow, purposeful sip from a deep brandy glass): Quite…

 3)

Posh: Care for some spotted dick?

Spatts: (spews/chokes on his tobacco juice)

Trapezium (PG-13)

Trapezium (PG-13)

 

Genre:  Sophisticated Hitchcockian Thriller

 

Overworked London-based Company Secretary John Bottomley (Hugh Grant) has a nervous breakdown (a side effect of which is an irrational fear of the colour blue). His doctor orders him to take a break from work, so he decides to goes on a wine-tasting trip to Istanbul (maybe now, with time on his hands, he can even resume his old hobby of song writing?)

 

He finds himself in the same hotel as Turkish pop sensation, Fatima Fani (Paris Hilton), who is due to represent her country in the Eurovision song contest, which takes place in Moscow in just 2 days. 

 

Later that night at the theatre, John accidentally thwarts an attempt to assassinate Fatima (by Omid Djalili’s Albanian extremists, disguised as ‘The Blue Man Group’).

 

And so begins a deadly game of cat & mouse, as John & Fatima flee across Eastern Europe, pursued every step of the way by the murderous and seemingly indestructible ‘Blue Man’…Will they make it to Moscow in time for the final*?

 

(* yes they will….* & maybe along the way, John can also find time to write Fatima a great new song which will actually give her a chance of winning? Just maybe.)

 

Treachery Beyond the Pale (R)

caught in the act

Treachery Beyond the Pale (R)

British period drama set in Victorian Britain with lots of posh people doing posh things (e.g. fell walking, fox hunting, bird watching, etc.) – all in frilly clothes.

The film stars Madonna, who plays American socialite Mae Percy, who visits her posh relatives on a grand estate in rural Northern Ireland. She’s brash and offensive to her repressed British relatives but many of the locals find her amusing and put up with her ‘unusual ways’.

The patriarch of the family, Lord William Charles Spencer-Chandler (Tom Wilkinson), has designs for Mae and his simpleton, posh, fop son, Charles William Spencer-Chandler (Hugh Grant). But Mae will have not of it (apparently in-breeding is out of fashion in America).

Over time, she erodes the family’s authority over the estate as she begins to cavort with the commoners. It all comes to a boil when she is caught in a lewd act with the head servant (Dame Judi Dench) and the butler (Rupert Everett) deemed illegal under the reign of Queen Victoria.

 The head servant and butler are arrested and sentenced to ‘death by duel’. Mae (although clearly upset), as an indirect member of the aristocracy, is free to go.

Additional Notes

This film will contain:

 1) Lots of sexual innuendo:

 Mae Percy: “What an impressive organ you have, Mr Fossett-Wilkinson.”

 2) Lots of discrete snickering by servants:

Mae Percy: “You look a little hot under the collar, Lord Parker-Bowels.”

Posh Guy: “That’s Bowles, ma’am. Lord Parker-Bowles.”

Servants (in background): (Snickers)

Pirates of the Gulf of Aden (G)

Pirates of the Gulf of Aden (G)

Genre: Blockbuster pirate flick / Inter-racial love story

Plot:

Muhammad Akbar (Johnny Depp) and his band of merry pirates (Omid Djalili, Djimon Hounsou, Michael Richards, etc.) patrol the seas of the Gulf of Aden in a high speed dhow, hunting for wealthy merchant vessels to loot.

One day, whilst patroling the open sea, they happen upon a raft on which a ragged, lifeless person (Trump Steelman played by Hugh Grant) lay. Despite some of the pirates’ suspicions, Steelman is employed by Muhammad as an assistant-to-the-junior-yeoman pirate. Unbeknownst to Muhammad, however, Steelman is actually in the pay of the Royal Navy and is acting as a covert undercover agent.

Steelman quickly adjusts to life as a pirate and soon becomes involved in a seedy affair with the ship’s cook – Sunita Chowdry (Rae Dawn Chong) [note: the only meal she knows how to cook is baked beans which is Steelman’s favourite – thus leading to a shared carnal attraction]. Steelman vows to help her escape the grips of the pirates, once the Royal Navy returns to save him.

The pirates, however, intercept a Royal Navy radio signal that reveals the truth behind the new assistant-to-the-junior-yeoman pirate. Muhammad is furious and devises a plan to earn his revenge (insert: torture scene (involving really hot baked beans) that requires some serious Oscar-worthy method-acting by Hugh Grant – may or may not be possible.)

Steelman is then left how he was found: lifeless and floating on a raft in the middle of the Gulf of Aden.

TBD: Unsure how this will end… possible endings include one with: a talking whale (voice by Forest Whitaker), a friendly tortoise (voice by Jason Alexander) or a helpful mermaid/merman (Dame Judi Dench), etc…