Brek It Down (PG-13)

October 9, 2011

Brek It Down (PG-13)

Genre: Dance flick

Troubled teen ‘September Katz’ (Ellen Page) just doesn’t get on with her parents (Drew Barrymore & Kevin Bacon). They want her to follow in their footsteps & take up Swing Dancing on ice – but September only has time for her urban, hip hop, step dance crew.

One night, as her parents drive home from the national Ice Swing Dance semi-final, their car is involved in a tragic accident. Both are killed but the family dog (Mr Boogaloo) is thrown clear & survives.

September is devastated & decides to take her parents place in the final (much to the disgust of her crew) but she needs to find a partner she can trust… & it must be someone familiar with her parent’s complicated routines?…..step forward Mr Boogaloo!

With only a week till the final, will they be able to pull it off?

Mary Christmas (G)

December 20, 2010

Mary Christmas (G)

Tagline: All I Want For Christmas Is Your Kidney

Mary Krismas (Queen Latifah) is a middle-aged African-American living with her overbearing mother in a small apartment in downtown Chicago. She is indifferent to the holiday season, mainly because of her mother – who hasn’t celebrated Christmas in 40 years!

In the North Pole, Santa Claus (Kevin James) has come down with a serious illness. The elf doctor tells him his kidneys are failing and is in desperate need of a transplant. Everyone is in despair because it’s believed that Santa has no blood relatives. Weak and weary, however, Santa admits to a one-night affair (include flashback scene – Santa with a giant white afro, pants down to his ankles, etc…) He tells his elves that he is, in fact, the father of a middle-aged African-American woman who lives in a small apartment in Chicago with her overbearing mother, and goes by the name Mary.

In order to save Christmas for everyone, the elder elf vows to track her down and return with her kidney.

To make a long story short, the elf finds Mary and brings her to the North Pole. Borderline racist/culture clash hilarity ensues (i.e. “don’t you have any fried turkey?” etc…)

Possible dialogue:

Elf: Ma’am, it’s the only way to save Santa and Christmas.

Mother: You go honey, and you tell that deadbeat son-of-a-bitch that he owes me forty years of child support!

 Other possible dialogue:

 Santa: All I want for Christmas is your right kidney.

Mary: Pops, if you bring me a Lexus on Christmas morning, you can have my kidney, my spleen AND my uterus!

Ching, Chong & the Chinaman (R)

Genre: Wild West Kick ‘Em Up

1854: A small group of specially-trained, fresh-off-the-boat Chinamen (Jet Li as Ching, Stephen Chow as Chong, Jackie Chan as ‘the Chinaman’) travel to California. Their mission? To win big at local casinos using sneaky card counting tricks and bust out sick kung fu moves if required (note: they will be).

But Sacremento proves one town too far. The casino’s owner, notorious Jack ‘Cattle Prod’ Jones (Steven Seagal) and his henchmen (Jean-Claude ‘Heart Attack’ Van Damme & Jason Statham) aren’t going to let their money go without a fight. High octane action ensues.

Special cameo by Loni Anderson as the town whore.

Possible Dialogue:

Jones: Hand back the cash and your little friend here won’t get hurt.

The Chinaman: Let’s paint this town yarrow (flurry of flying kicks and punches, cash flies everywhere, Chong is prodded in the unmentionables, etc…)

Kebabs & Urine (15)

September 22, 2010

Kebabs & Urine (15)

Mike Leigh’s latest slice-of-life drama.

Tired of the recurring death threats, incontinent abortionist Dr Mortimer Waters (Timothy Spall) retires from his Yorkshire-based practice and moves to a quaint English seaside town where he falls in love with a waitress, Mary Tippleton (Tilda Swinton) – a devout Catholic, who’s bored and waiting for life to happen.

 As their relationship develops, Dr Waters becomes concerned that his feelings could never be fully reciprocated if Mary learnt of his old profession. (note: include emotional scene of a soaked Dr Waters burying his abortionist tools in the garden in the middle of a storm.)

When Mary learns that she’s pregnant (impossible as she’s a virgin!), Dr Waters chances fate and informs her of his past. Hilarity ensues.

Possible dialogue:

Dr Waters: “Eeh by gum! I shall miss thee little buggers – eh? What’s this? – oh no, I’ve pissed missen!”

Quackers: The Line Dancing Duck (U)


Genre: All singing, all dancing, country music, cartoon caper

After Daddy Duck (Owen Wilson) is killed by a savage fox (Neil Diamond), Mummy Duck (Anna Paquin) struggles to raise her seven ducklings, including the youngest ‘Quackers’ (Taylor Swift)

Quackers suggests that they enter the big line dancing contest, to be held at the Grand Ole Opry, in one week (prize: $1000). So the family set off on (webbed) foot to Nashville.

But along the way, disaster strikes, Quackers (being the smallest) is unable to keep up and gets separated from her family. Mummy Duck is distraught, but has to continue, for the sake of the others.

Brave little Quackers is determined to catch up and continues alone. Along the way she meets several new friends:
Teets, the pregnant Cow (Dolly Parton)
Jumpy, the coke sniffing Rooster (Jack White)
Scrotum O’Neil, the 200 year old Tortoise (Lyle Lovett)

Eventually, she makes it to the contest, just in time for the dance off between the final 2 teams: her family & a pack of foxes led by the son of a gun who killed her pappy!

Tagline: Get y’all ducks in row

What About Dad? (PG-13)

March 30, 2010

What About Dad? (PG-13)

Unhappy and jaded teenager Stacy Fairchild (Ellen Page) decides to seek out her long-lost paternal father (Michael Keaton) despite her mother (Sigourney Weaver) and stepfather’s (Tom Skerritt) wishes.

Shockingly, Stacy discovers that her father has been in a mental institution for twenty years – something she was never told. Against her mother’s wishes, she decides to visit and meet him for the first time (includes very emotional reunion scene).

Much to Stacy’s surprise, the crazy father tells her that he was duped into the mental hospital by his conniving ex-wife (her mom) and her boyfriend (now her stepfather) – stealing his fortune in the process. He convinces her that he’s sane and she decides to help him sneak out to seek redemption and revenge.

Hilarity ensues when the dad turns out to be crazy as a loon.

Possible dialogue:

Crazy dad: Don’t you see? They stole my freedom, they stole my daughter… they stole… my… life!

Daughter: (in tears) OK, dad. I’m going to get you out of here.

Crazy dad: Just let me get my cape and my Barbies.

First Doggy (G)

March 1, 2010

First Doggy (G)

U.S President (Tim Allen) is on a top secret stopover trip to North Korea to hopefully sign a peace treaty with Kim Jong-il (Bob Hoskins).

While there, his beloved talking dog ‘Boner’ (voiced by Tom Skerritt) gets lost on the streets of Pyongyang.

The Chief of Staff (Martin Short) is instantly appointed as dogcatcher-in-chief, and given 24 hours to find the missing dog while the anxious President continues with the summit.

Luckily, Boner meets ‘Elderflower’ (voiced by Sophia Loren) a tough streetwalking Siamese cat, who takes the innocent American under her wing.
Together they attempt to avoid danger (including hungry locals) and make it back to Air Force One, before it has to take off with or without them.

Maybe along the way they can succeed where the humans have failed and somehow bring their two great nations closer together?
(*a lot closer if Boner has his way!)