Creatures of Habit (PG-13)

October 30, 2011

Creatures of Habit (PG-13) The Wolfman 02

Genre: Horror

Deep in the forests of Eastern Europe, an isolated convent is plagued by a series of terrifying attacks carried out by a mysterious wolf-like creature. The mother superior (Dame Judi Dench) contacts the Vatican for help, who send their best (only) werewolf hunter (Brad Pitt) to investigate. When the priest/wolf hunter enters into the sexually charged atmosphere, he immediately steps up security & makes the building ‘werewolf-proof’. Nothing will be able to get in or out.

The attacks continue. The priest is convinced that one of the nuns must be the culprit so he decides to call in the young nuns for interrogation, one by one. He suspects one novice nun (Zooey Deschanel) in particular, but ultimately, the interviews prove to be inconclusive (*werewolves are extremely hard to crack, and its possible that the nun in question may not even realise herself)

But one thing is certain. The novice nun and the priest are strongly attracted to each other. Eventually they give in to temptation and in a shocking scene, their love making literally brings out the beast in her, as she transforms into a wolf right in front of the startled priest! The cornered priest, far from being terrified, is clearly delighted and in a surprising twist, he also transforms into a werewolf! (*he feared he was the last of his kind and has been searching for a mate for years, using the disguise of Vatican wolf-hunter as the prefect cover) The gratuitious sex scene, which began in typical Hollywood fashion, concludes in a style more reminiscent of an explicit David Attenborough documentary.

The pair of wolves are now set to escape, where they will no doubt begin the process of repopulating the forests with their cursed species, which for so long, was thought to have been eradicated.

But the mother superior knows she cannot allow that to happen, even if she must sacrifice herself and all her sisters in the process.

And so begins a night of terror, under a full moon, as werewolf faces nun, in a desperate battle for survival. Will anyone live to see the dawn?…

Alpine Lightning (NC-17)

March 24, 2009


 Alpine Lightning (NC-17)

Genre: Dark, erotic, who-dunnit

Dame Judi Dench is back as alcoholic, foul-mouthed, womanising, retired Detective Virginia ‘Ginny’ Swine.

Devastated by the death of her former partner (see ‘Tahoe Thunder’) and determined to kick the booze, Ginny checks into an exclusive Swiss mountain-top drying-out clinic popular with Aussie and Brit celebs.

At first, things seem to be going well. Ginny is sober for the first time in years and enters into a torrid lesbian affair with a fellow patient, Germaine Greer (herself).

But when John Hurt, and then Mel Gibson, are found dead in their rooms (official verdict: accidental autoerotic asphyxiation), Ginny is suspicious. The clinic is cut off by a violent storm and the bodies of Dame Maggie Smith and Russell Crowe are discovered in a similar state.

It’s now clear that an ‘Asphixi-wank serial killer’ is on the loose and Detective Ginny Swine is back on the job… and back on the booze.

When her lover is kidnapped by the killer, Ginny faces a race against time to prevent the death of yet another partner.

Possible dialogue:

Ginny Swine (speaking on the clinic’s PA system): This is a message for whoever is holding Dr Greer. Let her go now and I promise I will let you live. But if you so much as harm a hair on her, I will fu***ing…….. (The sound of the storm drowns out the rest of the sentence)

Black Star Dawn (15) UK

Terrorists are planning a spectacular for the World’s Football Cup of Soccer in South Africa in 2010! They plan to smuggle a nuclear bomb, hidden inside Michael Essien* (Chiwetel Ejifor) to the opening game (England v Ghana) and it’s set to go off when he scores a goal (or gets 2 assists).

(* Michael doesn’t know anything about this)

The Queen (Dame Judi Dench) orders England manager (Jamie Redknapp) to include undercover SAS man, Nobby Windass (Sean Bean) in his squad. Nobby’s mission: Stop! – Michael! – Essien!

Can Nobby complete his mission? – find the mole in the England camp? (is it physio Keira Knightley?) and win the respect of his coach & team-mates?

Oh! & unmask the man behind the whole plan: FIFA President, Randy Balzano (Tom Skerritt)

Possible dialogue:

Coach Redknapp: “He’s a Top Top player Nobby, but this is a hurt business, now get out there an ‘urt ‘im” .


American version to be made. Replace World Cup with the Indy 500, add lots more explosions and babes, etc…