The Horse Worrier (PG-13)

October 11, 2010

The Horse Worrier (PG-13)

Genre: Romantic drivel. With horses.

Ireland’s top female jockey, ‘Waxy McCavity’ (Minnie Driver), is involved in a horrific accident while taking part in the Grand National. Her horse suddenly & inexplicably begins to panic & then spontaneously combusts, just as the race is reaching it’s exciting climax. Waxy bravely continues to steer the fiery horse over the finishing line in first place despite being in agony. With flesh melting from her face, she even manages a victorious ‘fist-pump’ in front of the horrified onlookers before finally passing out, as the flames are extinguished by the emergency crew.

The horse dies. Waxy survives (just) but is left scarred for life. To make matters worse, even after numerous painful operations, the surgeons are unable to remove the saddle, which has fused with her skin.

A wealthy, handsome American horse trainer & philanthropist, ‘Gatsby Seaman’ (Matthew McConaughey), hears of her plight and invites Waxy over to his ranch, determined to do all he can to help. Soon a romace develops.

Waxy, however, is now unable to approach any horse without making it uneasy. Will Gatsby be able to train a horse to be able to accept Waxy in time for her to fulfil her dream of competing in the Kentucky Derby? Or will she never be able to race again? & will their love be strong enough to overcome such an obstacle?

Possible dialogue:

Waxy: “Dammit Gatsby! i feel like a freak, i cant walk straight, or even sit down, & i’ll never be able to look my Gynecologist in the eye again. The only place i feel human is on a horse!. If i cant race again, i’ll die. You’ve got to help me, whatever it costs.

Gatsby: “Err?….you can still fuck with that thing, right?”

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Signed, Sealed, Delivered (PG-13)

seal_slaughter_protest

American animal rights activist Nikki Tomlinson (Kate Hudson) moves north to the Canadian Arctic in the hopes of stopping the Great Annual Seal Hunt.

As part of her protest, she dresses up as a cute n’ cuddly seal and hides in the frozen ices floes in the hopes of scaring the bejeesus out of a hunter. Unfortunately whilst taking a nap, she is mistaken for an actual seal and brutally clubbed by affable Canadian hunter Mac ‘Seal-the-Deal’ O’Neal (Matthew McConaughey).

Realising his error, O’Neal takes the concussed protester back to his hut in the hopes that she will heal. Hilarity (and romance) ensues when she awakes and finds herself instantly attracted to her avowed enemy.

Can Nikki see past her hatred of the hunt for the sake of love? Will Mac’s passion wane when Nikki’s seal suit comes off? etc…

 Possible dialogue:

MO: I’ve made you a full body suit out of seal skin. I hope you like it.

NT: Club me, you sick bastard.

Posh & Spatts (G)

June 25, 2009

Posh & Spatts (G)

baseball

 cricket

Jonathan Posh (Hugh Grant) is an English professional cricket player, who – having learnt of the fortunes to be made in America – decides to try his luck at professional baseball.

Ralph Spatts (Matthew McConaughey) is a career minor-league baseball player from Alabama, who is given the task of taking Posh under his wing. His job: to teach him how to shoot a gun, charm the ladies and hit a curve ball.

Generic culture clash shtick where the upper-class twit struggles with the tribulations of the South-Atlantic Professional Baseball League, and the ignorant Southerner learns to accept a foreigner.

Possible dialogue:

1)

Posh: How might I gain that woman’s affection?

Spatts: Show her your wad and meet her by the dumpster in 10.

Posh: I beg your pardon?

2)

Posh (puffing on a cheroot): Wouldn’t you just love to smash her back doors?

Spatts: Breakin’ n’ enerin’ is eeelegal in this county.

Posh (taking a slow, purposeful sip from a deep brandy glass): Quite…

 3)

Posh: Care for some spotted dick?

Spatts: (spews/chokes on his tobacco juice)

opc01892

Reap What You Sow (R)

When farmer Jeb Wilkins (Matthew McConaughey) is paid with seed for giving a ride to a sickly, Goth hitchhiker, he thinks nothing of it and tosses it in his garden.

Months later, pods grow where the seeds were dropped and open to unleash savage, blood-thirsty monsters. Jeb is forced to defend his farm from the invaders… by any means necessary.

Through a series of battles he (by chance) discovers their Achilles’ heel: milk. Only one drop can kill. And so begins a dangerous game of cat and mouse between farmer and monsters.

Possible scene #1: Jeb firing a shotgun at the monsters whilst riding a large squealing pig.

Possible scene #2: Barricaded in his barn, hiding behind a cow (lying on its side), Jeb is preparing to squeeze a milk-filled teat at the monsters:”Got milk, you lactose intolerant motherfu**ers?”

Sponsored by the Dairy Farmers of America

Reap What You Sow II: Fear the Banditos (R)

In an evil plot, seasonal Mexican labourers (Antonio Banderas, Benicio Del Toro and Selma Hayek) plant mysterious seeds all over Californian farms with the hope that the seed will sprout man-eating monsters that will depopulate the area, allowing them to claim the vacant land.

Plans go awry when the creatures become uncontrollable and turn on the Mexicans.

Possible scene #1: Del Toro firing a shotgun at the monsters whilst riding a large squealing pig.

Possible scene #2: Farmer running straight at the army of monsters and Mexicans, hurling a bucket of milk over them (in slow motion), shouting at the top of his voice: “GET THE HELL OUT OF CALIFORNIA!!!”

Possible scene #3: Barricaded in his barn, hiding behind Selma Hayek (lying on her side), Banderas is preparing to squeeze a milk-filled teat at the monsters:”Leche conseguida, usted fu**ers de madre intolerantes a la lactosa?”

salma_hayek

** perhaps the sequel can be in 3-D…