Mary Christmas (G)

Mary Christmas (G)

Tagline: All I Want For Christmas Is Your Kidney

Mary Krismas (Queen Latifah) is a middle-aged African-American living with her overbearing mother in a small apartment in downtown Chicago. She is indifferent to the holiday season, mainly because of her mother – who hasn’t celebrated Christmas in 40 years!

In the North Pole, Santa Claus (Kevin James) has come down with a serious illness. The elf doctor tells him his kidneys are failing and is in desperate need of a transplant. Everyone is in despair because it’s believed that Santa has no blood relatives. Weak and weary, however, Santa admits to a one-night affair (include flashback scene – Santa with a giant white afro, pants down to his ankles, etc…) He tells his elves that he is, in fact, the father of a middle-aged African-American woman who lives in a small apartment in Chicago with her overbearing mother, and goes by the name Mary.

In order to save Christmas for everyone, the elder elf vows to track her down and return with her kidney.

To make a long story short, the elf finds Mary and brings her to the North Pole. Borderline racist/culture clash hilarity ensues (i.e. “don’t you have any fried turkey?” etc…)

Possible dialogue:

Elf: Ma’am, it’s the only way to save Santa and Christmas.

Mother: You go honey, and you tell that deadbeat son-of-a-bitch that he owes me forty years of child support!

 Other possible dialogue:

 Santa: All I want for Christmas is your right kidney.

Mary: Pops, if you bring me a Lexus on Christmas morning, you can have my kidney, my spleen AND my uterus!

Nutcracker Copper (PG-13)

Nutcracker Copper (PG-13)

Hard-nosed NYC cop Jimmy Cantina (Kevin James) has a life-long secret passion – ballet.

When the police are informed of a potential attack on the mayor at the NY ballet’s opening performance of the Nutcracker, the chief (Delroy Lindo) asks for volunteers to go undercover with the cast and crew. Cantina leaps at the chance.

During the first rehearsal, the director notices Cantina natural skills and promotes him to the role of the Nutcracker – which involves wearing an elaborate oversized nutcracker costume. Weeks of rehearsals go by but Cantina gains no leads into the suspected attack – though he does develop a carnal interest in the lead ballerina (Jennifer Love Hewitt).

Opening night arrives and mayor (Powers Boothe) takes his place in the front row. In the final scene of the ballet, the lead ballerina unexpectedly lobs a live grenade in the mayor’s direction. Quick-thinking Cantina performs a flying-pirouette and catches the grenade in his costume’s Nutcraker mouth. The Nutcracker’s head ‘splodes but Jimmy and the mayor are saved! The crowd, quiet at first, erupt into raptures.

New York Times: “Dynamite!”

New York Post: “Cracking show!”

Missionary Position (PG-13)

Missionary Position (PG-13)

Genre: Run of the mill frat-boy-in-the-jungle flick

When student/frat boy Chase Hudler (Kevin James) is forced to quit university after nine years, he finds himself at a loss.

Inspired by a show on the History Channel about Dr Livingston in Africa, Chase decides to become a missionary – not to spread the word of God… but to spread the word of P-A-R-T-Y!

He moves to a remote village in central Africa, opens a frat house (Delta Congo Phi) and teaches the local men to chill-out and party hard. Predictably, he soon finds himself in ‘hot water’ after a run-in with the tribal chief [played by Eugene Levy in ‘blackface’], etc, etc…

Possible dialogue:

Chase: What the f**k happened to the Delta Congo Phi I used to know? Where’s the spirit? Where’s the guts, huh? This could be the greatest night of our lives, but you’re gonna let it be the worst. “Ooh, we’re afraid to go with you Chase, we might get in trouble.” Well just kiss my ass from now on! Not me! I’m not gonna take this. Mavumba, he’s a dead man! Obasanjo, dead! N’gon…

Shoe City (G)

 

Shoe City (G)

Basic rom-com (slob male/unattainable babe) with a Disney/Pixar twist: all the characters are shoes. They all live in a divided city with the fashionable shoes living on the west side and the unfashionable shoes (e.g. trainers, running shoes) on the east side. The city is divided by a giant wall that is patrolled by eagle-eyed bouncers.

Aspiring rock star, Chuck (Kevin James) and his best friend, burned out 70’s casualty Dietmar Moonjazz (David Bowie), spend their days dreaming of making it over the wall to the west, where they feel they belong.

One day, at the annual Mid-town rave, Chuck meets Sally (Scarlett Johansson), who is a Westsider! They fall in love but she’s engaged to Vito ‘Etch-a-Sketches’ Smackallino (Tracy Morgan), reigning king of Shoe City’s drug trade (& mayor). [note: Unbeknownst to Sally, Vito is having an affair with nightclub singer, ‘Rug Burns’ Pastaggio (Megan Fox).]

 

At the stroke of midnight Chuck & Sally are forced to part along with the rest of the population and return through the central gate to their own side of the city until next year. But Chuck can’t wait that long…

Can Chuck & Dietmar make it over the wall disguised as fashionable lady-shoes and find Sally again before the wedding? If so, can Chuck & Sally escape the wrath of Vito? Will Chuck & Dietmar be allowed to stay in the West & fulfill their dreams?

Possible dialogue:

Chuck: “Mr Smackallino, if you seek peace, if you seek prosperity for Shoe City, if you seek liberalization: Come here to this gate! Mr. Smackallino, open this gate! Mr. Smackallino, TEAR DOWN THIS WALL!” (crowd erupts into wild applause)

Original song:

“Together we’re a pair” by Tom Waits and that girl from the Ting Tings.

 

Kevin James

 

Scarlett Johansson

 

Megan Fox

David Bowie

Tracy Morgan