Creatures of Habit (PG-13)

October 30, 2011

Creatures of Habit (PG-13)

https://i0.wp.com/static.desktopnexus.com/thumbnails/91960-bigthumbnail.jpg The Wolfman 02

Genre: Horror

Deep in the forests of Eastern Europe, an isolated convent is plagued by a series of terrifying attacks carried out by a mysterious wolf-like creature. The mother superior (Dame Judi Dench) contacts the Vatican for help, who send their best (only) werewolf hunter (Brad Pitt) to investigate. When the priest/wolf hunter enters into the sexually charged atmosphere, he immediately steps up security & makes the building ‘werewolf-proof’. Nothing will be able to get in or out.

The attacks continue. The priest is convinced that one of the nuns must be the culprit so he decides to call in the young nuns for interrogation, one by one. He suspects one novice nun (Zooey Deschanel) in particular, but ultimately, the interviews prove to be inconclusive (*werewolves are extremely hard to crack, and its possible that the nun in question may not even realise herself)

But one thing is certain. The novice nun and the priest are strongly attracted to each other. Eventually they give in to temptation and in a shocking scene, their love making literally brings out the beast in her, as she transforms into a wolf right in front of the startled priest! The cornered priest, far from being terrified, is clearly delighted and in a surprising twist, he also transforms into a werewolf! (*he feared he was the last of his kind and has been searching for a mate for years, using the disguise of Vatican wolf-hunter as the prefect cover) The gratuitious sex scene, which began in typical Hollywood fashion, concludes in a style more reminiscent of an explicit David Attenborough documentary.

The pair of wolves are now set to escape, where they will no doubt begin the process of repopulating the forests with their cursed species, which for so long, was thought to have been eradicated.

But the mother superior knows she cannot allow that to happen, even if she must sacrifice herself and all her sisters in the process.

And so begins a night of terror, under a full moon, as werewolf faces nun, in a desperate battle for survival. Will anyone live to see the dawn?…

https://i1.wp.com/fc07.deviantart.com/fs42/f/2009/108/d/9/Werewolf_v_s__Warrior_Nun_by_mdjc.jpg

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Richie & Richer (15)

March 21, 2011

Richie & Richer (15)

https://i1.wp.com/static.whatsontv.co.uk/images/0834_102433_141809.jpghttps://i1.wp.com/www.usnews.com/dbimages/master/10457/FE_DA_090409publicopinion.jpg 

Laid back, sophisticated thriller, about the adventures of a pair of Arab playboys (& amatuer sleuths) who always seem to find themsleves caught up in the middle of a baffling mystery.

Sheikh Bin Bhaby Bin Al Saud (Topol), reputedly the richest man in the Middle East, controls the largest entertainment and gambling empire in the world. His No.1 asset is Arab-American Sammi Hoor (Don Cheadle), the most successful Lionel Richie tribute act in the Arab world (who causes a riot wherever he performs). Together they enjoy the best that money can buy, like a modern day, two-man, Rat Pack indulging in a non-stop orgy of alcohol, drugs, prostitutes and Friday prayers. 

Their latest adventure takes them to Abu Dhabi where Sammi is scheduled to perform at the Emirates Palace Hotel. However, they are shocked to discover that one of their oldest showbiz friends from England, Dame Judi Dench (herself), has been arrested and charged with murder (!!) following the discovery of a dead prostitute in her room. Despite proclaiming her innocence, she is scheduled to be executed in the public square in just two days time.

Will our heroes be able to solve the mystery in time to save their old friend? Or will Judi Dench be beheaded! and have her lifeless body paraded through the streets of Abu Dhabi, before being fed to rats in the car park of the luxurious Emirates Palace Hotel 

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A very special treat for you all, as we present our first ever celebrity-penned failed movie:

In the Tweet of the Night (PG-13)

With only a week left before he retires to a log cabin in Concord, Massachusetts, technophobe fire chief Raymond Dorsey (Jeff Bridges) is perplexed by a series of dead bodies found hunched in front of their computer screens across Boston.

Intrigued by an increasing number of tweets recounting the cause of each poster’s own death in her Twitter timeline, journalist Nina Hutchison (Megan Fox) begins to investigate the phenomena. She quickly realises that people have become so addicted to sharing every details of their day-to-day life, that the victims have stayed at their computers tweeting about house fires, perishing at their computers instead of walking out the door.

The following night, Hutchison’s timeline captures the death of Dame Judi Dench. But, as well mentioning the fire, Dame Dench’s last tweet describes strong, manly hands around her throat. Twenty-four hours later Stephen Fry posts a similar tweet and Hutchison realises Boston has a serial killer on the loose, strangling his victims and burning down their house to hide his tracks.

Hutchison convinces Dorsey to let her help catch the killer. After wrongly being arrested as a suspect, 50 Cent (Forest Whitaker) lends a hand and the mismatched threesome track down and apprehend Barbara Stone (Ellen DeGeneres), though not before Stone has also killed twitterati Russell Brand, Barry Glendenning and Peter Serafinowicz.

Possible dialogue:

Dorsey: Worldwidewhat? Interwhich? I don’t understand what you’re saying!
50Cent (tweeting): Gonna find who you are fuck and fuck you up, bitch. No ho fuck with my homo homie @StephenFry without getting whupped upside his head. Dog.
English50Cent (tweeting): One will discover your identity and cause one pain. One doesn’t mess with my best boy, Stephen Fry, without a cuff around the ear. Whatto.
Dorsey (while Glendenning posts his last tweets): Get out of there! Get out of there! What’s wrong with him? Why doesn’t he just leave! Get out of there! Get out of there, damnit!
Russell Brand (tweeting): It’s getting hot in here. Best take off all my clothes. Strong, manly hands around throat. Bring condoms.

Night of the Manshund (R)

September 16, 2010

Again, apologies for the delay in between posts. Thank you for your patience.

And to the Sean Bean fans, welcome! Might have to consider a Sean Bean Month.

Night of the Manshund (R)

Albert Fish (Bob Hoskins) and Charlie Chipps (Phil Collins) are two London Bobbies on the trail of the infamous Bermondsey Butcher, a homicidal maniac slaughtering German tourists and churning their remains into (delicious yet oh-so-wrong) sausages.

Over time, they uncover clues that suggest they are not dealing with a mere mortal but a fearsome Manshund (part man/part Dachshund – played by Ray Winstone).

When Special Detective Adolf Himmler (Rutger Hauer) is brought in from Berlin to help, things get a little testy between him and Fish & Chipps (naturally). But they must learn to work together capture the man-beast before it’s too late! (Note: include lame sub-plot that brings the Queen’s German ancestry into play.)

The climactic scene involves Fish, Chipps and Himmler luring the Manshund into a pub with a meat pie and gassing it with Xyclon-5.

Possible Dialogue:

Chipps (after Manshund lets out prolonged dying yelp): Hot Dog! (detectives laugh heartily and share a group hug)

 Possible Epilogue Dialogue:

Chipps: Adolph, we couldn’t have done it without you… Or should I say, Sir Adolph!

Himmler: Tank you Chipps. And tank you your majestee for tis great honour.

Queen (Judi Dench): Sie sind willkommen.

Captain Pickle’s Fuzzy Warm Hugs Gang (G)

Genre: Psychedelic/surrealistic animated tosh

Struggling conceptual artists Stan Redman and Calvin Green (voiced by Owen and Luke Wilson) travel to a transcendental meditation retreat in Rikikesh, India, seeking spiritual guidance and artistic inspiration (and drugs). Other guests include cartoon versions of Mia Farrow, Ringo Starr, Brian Wilson, Jeff Bridges, Dame Judi Dench, etc.

Soon after their arrival, however, the Maharishi (the retreat’s guru) is kidnapped by a group of monsters known as the Bad Vibes (who dress somewhat like the Taliban and have a dislike for creativity).

Redman and Green convince the other guests to form a musical band (dubbed ‘Captain Pickle’s Fuzzy Warm Hugs Gang’) to fight the Bad Vibes with ‘good vibes’ and to show them the value of love, music and art (and drugs).

Bombarded with endless music, the Bad Vibes are forced to surrender. Redman and Green offer a token of friendship (shrooms) to the Chief Bad Vibe and he has a ‘change of heart’. The Maharishi is saved and an enormous (drug fueled) party ensues!

 

Listen to Captain Pickle’s Theme Here

Possible Dialogue:

Redman: “But are you riding the horse? or is the horse riding you?”

Green: “Eh? GET OUT OF MY MIND YOU SLAAAAAAG!!!!”

 

Downsizing (G)

January 18, 2010

Downsizing (G)

Tagline: Down is up

Based on the hit Broadway musical of the same name, Downsizing, is the story of Chief Executive Roslyn Walton’s (Judi Dench) failed attempt to purposely financially ruin her company to offset the gains of a sister company (as a sort of tax dodge).

Citing a ‘progressive workplace hiring policy’, Walton fires her entire sales team and replaces them with a group of men and women with Down’s syndrome (Philip Seymour Hoffman, Madonna, etc), with the hopes that their inexperience will lead to a severe downturn in revenue.

Much to Walton’s surprise, however, the new sales team – naturally affable, honest and hard-working – performs exceptionally well. (Include scenes of the new pink-shirted sales team laughing, high-fiving, ringing bells intercut with the image of raining dollar bills)

Walton is faced with financial ruin but is ultimately saved when the new sales team pulls off a management buy-out and takes over the reins of the company.

Possible Dialogue:

Ros: You can’t do this. You’re just a bunch of retards!

Corky: No, ma’am… (eyes welling up)… You… You are the retard.

(not a dry eye in the house)

Night Witches (PG-13)

January 4, 2010

Night Witches (PG-13)

The extraordinary, but little known, tale of how a young Queen Elizabeth secretly joined Britain’s only all-female regiment that flew over 30,000 missions along the Western Front in WWII. At home they we known as Churchill’s Fannies but terrified German troops called them the Night Witches.

The surviving members of the squadron, now all grannies in their 80s and 90s (Helen Mirren, Maggie Smith, Judi Dench), tell their remarkable true story to an awestruck young reporter (Tobey Maguire).

In flashbacks we see their younger selves (Keira Knightley, Helena Bonham Carter, Kate Winslet) transformed from simple country girls, into the courageous warriors, who defeat the Nazis.