Ching, Chong & the Chinaman (R)

Genre: Wild West Kick ‘Em Up

1854: A small group of specially-trained, fresh-off-the-boat Chinamen (Jet Li as Ching, Stephen Chow as Chong, Jackie Chan as ‘the Chinaman’) travel to California. Their mission? To win big at local casinos using sneaky card counting tricks and bust out sick kung fu moves if required (note: they will be).

But Sacremento proves one town too far. The casino’s owner, notorious Jack ‘Cattle Prod’ Jones (Steven Seagal) and his henchmen (Jean-Claude ‘Heart Attack’ Van Damme & Jason Statham) aren’t going to let their money go without a fight. High octane action ensues.

Special cameo by Loni Anderson as the town whore.

Possible Dialogue:

Jones: Hand back the cash and your little friend here won’t get hurt.

The Chinaman: Let’s paint this town yarrow (flurry of flying kicks and punches, cash flies everywhere, Chong is prodded in the unmentionables, etc…)

Maximum Break (PG-13)

August 14, 2009

Maximum Break (PG-13)


A washed-up professional pool player, Ivory Cojones (Steven Seagal), struggling to provide for his family, tries his hand at the unfamiliar and class-ridden sport of snooker and discovers an untapped talent.

Somehow he manages to qualify for the World Championship, being held in Atlantic City, where he makes spectacular progress beating British No.1 (Daniel Craig) and Canadian No.1 (Vincent Cassel). Along the way, he also wins praise for his gutsy performances and sense of fair play and wins back the respect of his 10 year-old son.

Inevitably he reaches the final where he faces World No.1 Rain Rogers (Rainn Wilson), thought to be the best snooker player the world has ever seen.

To complicate matters, Ivory is visited by mob boss (John Leguizamo) who makes it clear in no uncertain terms that whatever happens in the final, Ivory must not actually win (as he has a huge bet on Rain).

The epic game lasts three sweaty, tension filled days. The spectators (who include Leguizamo & Ivory’s son) are on the edge of their seats. The game goes right to final frame and then right to the final black!

Ladies & gentlemen, quiet please!“…


Seagal’s obligatory, ridiculous catchphrase: “Whoa there young’un.”