Homeland (G)

February 22, 2010

Homeland (G)

Blind Gulf war veteran, now head of American Homeland Security, Col. Bobcat Poindexter (Kevin Costner) has only one friend, his guide dog and constant companion: a Chocolate Lab named ‘Dubois’.

Col. Bobcat is conducting an investigation to find the mole in his department. The prime suspect being new recruit Hamid Fargi (Omid Djalili), an Iranian exile recently granted U.S. citizenship.

But in a shock twist the traitor turns out to be Dubois, who has been secretly working for the Canadians all along (insert scene of a clearly confused dog being confronted with photographs of him having dinner with Michael Bublé).

Dubois is sentenced to death by firing squad/gas but he escapes by holding his breath and playing dead.

& so begins the biggest dog hunt in history. Dubois heads for the border, pursued by Bobcat and his new guide, the Iranian exile Hamid. (Just maybe, along the way, they’ll begin to form a grudging respect for each other?)

As thousands of Canucks line the border waiting to give Dubois a hero’s welcome, the fear is that the situation could spiral out of control and even lead to war…

Deep Thaw (PG-13)

January 28, 2010

Deep Thaw (PG-13)

Tagline: Things are gonna heat up.

Locked in the grips of a global deep freeze, American president (Morgan Freeman) orders a rag-tag group of scientists and coal miners (Bill Paxton, Hillary Swank, Randy Quaid, Omid Djalili) to drill to the Earth’s core in the hopes of triggering geological activity to (hopefully) warm the planet.

Robert Duvall, plays a marine turned preacher, comes out of retirement to lead the crew – but ultimately jeopardizes the mission when he starts to believe they are really in Hell.

Possible dialogue:

Duvall: “We’re moving too slow. Now I’d say the Indian guy (Djalili) & the boy (Swank) weigh about the same as my trunk full of bibles, so we have to kill ’em.”

Heroine Cheek (R)

February 25, 2009

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Heroine Cheek (R)

Heroin-themed screwball comedy that follows a band of drug addicts – Chase Hudler (Mickey Rourke), Steve Simkins (Joaquin Phoenix), Jade Johnson (Courtney Love) & Ricky White (Steve Coogan) – who move to an isolated part of Afghanistan to start a poppy farm. All doesn’t go to plan, however, when they encounter local trouble makers (aka the Taliban – led by Omid Djalili).

Whilst the zany mad-cap antics between the two rival groups (e.g. suicide bombings, torture, etc.) lead to a stalemate, Jade Johnson ODs. The remaining addicts see this as an opportunity to smuggle a load of heroin back to the States – theyconcoct a story about how Jade was an American heroine, fighting terrorists in their own back yard.

Before returning the body home, they stuff it full of smack, knowing that the authorities wouldn’t dare search her. Upon return, however, their plans go up in smoke when Jade’s parents decide to cremate the body.

Possible dialogue:

Chase: She’s now packed with over 50 kilos of pure Aunt Hazel.

Steve: I’ve never been as attracted to her as I am now.

Ricky: I totally want to do her.

Trapezium (PG-13)

February 22, 2009

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Trapezium (PG-13)

 

Genre:  Sophisticated Hitchcockian Thriller

 

Overworked London-based Company Secretary John Bottomley (Hugh Grant) has a nervous breakdown (a side effect of which is an irrational fear of the colour blue). His doctor orders him to take a break from work, so he decides to goes on a wine-tasting trip to Istanbul (maybe now, with time on his hands, he can even resume his old hobby of song writing?)

 

He finds himself in the same hotel as Turkish pop sensation, Fatima Fani (Paris Hilton), who is due to represent her country in the Eurovision song contest, which takes place in Moscow in just 2 days. 

 

Later that night at the theatre, John accidentally thwarts an attempt to assassinate Fatima (by Omid Djalili’s Albanian extremists, disguised as ‘The Blue Man Group’).

 

And so begins a deadly game of cat & mouse, as John & Fatima flee across Eastern Europe, pursued every step of the way by the murderous and seemingly indestructible ‘Blue Man’…Will they make it to Moscow in time for the final*?

 

(* yes they will….* & maybe along the way, John can also find time to write Fatima a great new song which will actually give her a chance of winning? Just maybe.)

 

Sudden Downpour (PG-13)

January 14, 2009

bobhoskinsBRITAIN SEVERE WEATHER

 

Sudden Downpour (PG-13)

 

Torrential rain and terrorism are about to strike London.

 

Hot-shot weather-woman Carol Kirkwood’s (Angelina Jolie) daughter is kidnapped by terrists. Carol is blackmailed by the terrists into giving a false forecast (hot ‘n’ sunny) so that the police and emergency services will be distracted dealing with the ensuing panic of a sudden downpour, leaving the terrists (Muslims probably? & led by Sir Ben Kingsley or Omid Djalili) free to rob the bank of England!

 

But of course they hadn’t counted on Carol, along with her sidekick – anchorman Declan Curry (Bob Hoskins), fighting back to save the day, etc etc

 

Note: must choose song to play over the end credits as people are shuffling out of the cinema saying: “what a rubbish Die Hard rip-off, let’s go eat”.

 

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Pirates of the Gulf of Aden (G)

Genre: Blockbuster pirate flick / Inter-racial love story

Plot:

Muhammad Akbar (Johnny Depp) and his band of merry pirates (Omid Djalili, Djimon Hounsou, Michael Richards, etc.) patrol the seas of the Gulf of Aden in a high speed dhow, hunting for wealthy merchant vessels to loot.

One day, whilst patroling the open sea, they happen upon a raft on which a ragged, lifeless person (Trump Steelman played by Hugh Grant) lay. Despite some of the pirates’ suspicions, Steelman is employed by Muhammad as an assistant-to-the-junior-yeoman pirate. Unbeknownst to Muhammad, however, Steelman is actually in the pay of the Royal Navy and is acting as a covert undercover agent.

Steelman quickly adjusts to life as a pirate and soon becomes involved in a seedy affair with the ship’s cook – Sunita Chowdry (Rae Dawn Chong) [note: the only meal she knows how to cook is baked beans which is Steelman’s favourite – thus leading to a shared carnal attraction]. Steelman vows to help her escape the grips of the pirates, once the Royal Navy returns to save him.

The pirates, however, intercept a Royal Navy radio signal that reveals the truth behind the new assistant-to-the-junior-yeoman pirate. Muhammad is furious and devises a plan to earn his revenge (insert: torture scene (involving really hot baked beans) that requires some serious Oscar-worthy method-acting by Hugh Grant – may or may not be possible.)

Steelman is then left how he was found: lifeless and floating on a raft in the middle of the Gulf of Aden.

TBD: Unsure how this will end… possible endings include one with: a talking whale (voice by Forest Whitaker), a friendly tortoise (voice by Jason Alexander) or a helpful mermaid/merman (Dame Judi Dench), etc…

Illegal Aliens (R)

December 22, 2008

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Illegal Aliens (R)

The tale of three illegal immigrants (Omid Djalili, Djimon Hounson and Sir Ben Kinglsey) who arrive in the UK by boat, only to discover that the island has been taken over by zombies.

They go around killing loads of zombies, including those in the Houses of Parliament.

[Essentially, a thinly veiled anti-West rant that would be huge in the Middle East.]