Mary Christmas (G)

Mary Christmas (G)

Tagline: All I Want For Christmas Is Your Kidney

Mary Krismas (Queen Latifah) is a middle-aged African-American living with her overbearing mother in a small apartment in downtown Chicago. She is indifferent to the holiday season, mainly because of her mother – who hasn’t celebrated Christmas in 40 years!

In the North Pole, Santa Claus (Kevin James) has come down with a serious illness. The elf doctor tells him his kidneys are failing and is in desperate need of a transplant. Everyone is in despair because it’s believed that Santa has no blood relatives. Weak and weary, however, Santa admits to a one-night affair (include flashback scene – Santa with a giant white afro, pants down to his ankles, etc…) He tells his elves that he is, in fact, the father of a middle-aged African-American woman who lives in a small apartment in Chicago with her overbearing mother, and goes by the name Mary.

In order to save Christmas for everyone, the elder elf vows to track her down and return with her kidney.

To make a long story short, the elf finds Mary and brings her to the North Pole. Borderline racist/culture clash hilarity ensues (i.e. “don’t you have any fried turkey?” etc…)

Possible dialogue:

Elf: Ma’am, it’s the only way to save Santa and Christmas.

Mother: You go honey, and you tell that deadbeat son-of-a-bitch that he owes me forty years of child support!

 Other possible dialogue:

 Santa: All I want for Christmas is your right kidney.

Mary: Pops, if you bring me a Lexus on Christmas morning, you can have my kidney, my spleen AND my uterus!

Life in Hi-Def (PG-13)

Life in Hi-Def (PG-13)

Genre: Chick flick

Plot:

Downtrodden, battered, New York housewife Rusty McCraken (Beyoncé Knowles) has only one joy in life: watching her favourite daytime shows on her 60″ Plasma HDTV. The images are so real, it’s like she could actually reach out and touch them…

One day, during a particularly riveting interview, Oprah Winfrey and her special guest Dr Maya Angelou turn to face Rusty and start talking directly to her. They then squeeze out of the TV and, literally, enter Rusty’s life! Over coffee and hugs they give her the support and advice she needs to face up to her abusive husband (Ving Rhames) and turn her life around.

Soon, as more characters emerge from the TV, she’s having the time of her life (a fling with sexy soap star Ashton Kutcher, shopping trips with her new best friend Queen Latifah, etc…)

But is she really living the dream? Or just living in a dream world? Maybe her hunky neighbour (recently widowed TV repairman played by Robert Loggia) has the answers?