No Shit Sherlock (PG-13)

No Shit Sherlock (PG-13)

London 1888: Queen Victoria (Dame Judi Dench) pays a visit to 221b Baker Street to enlist the help of the great detective Sherlock Holmes (Mickey Rourke) in finding her missing idiot grandson Prince Eddy (Jude Law). The Prince  is thought to be somewhere in the East End (probably slumming it in some opium den) but with the maniac ripper roaming the streets, the Queen wants him found asap.

Holmes (a recovering heroin addict) reluctantly agrees to take the case, knowing he will have to face temptation at every turn.

It’s down to loyal friend & partner, Dr Watson (Curtis ’50 Cent’ Jackson) to keep Holmes off the smack long enough for them to crack the case.

Possible dialogue:

Watson: “Don’t you bloody die on me man!  Wake up Holmes!  I love you dammit!”
Holmes:  “Pipe down you old fool Watson, you’ll blow my cover…  zzzzzzzz.”

Heroine Cheek (R)

Heroine Cheek (R)

Heroin-themed screwball comedy that follows a band of drug addicts – Chase Hudler (Mickey Rourke), Steve Simkins (Joaquin Phoenix), Jade Johnson (Courtney Love) & Ricky White (Steve Coogan) – who move to an isolated part of Afghanistan to start a poppy farm. All doesn’t go to plan, however, when they encounter local trouble makers (aka the Taliban – led by Omid Djalili).

Whilst the zany mad-cap antics between the two rival groups (e.g. suicide bombings, torture, etc.) lead to a stalemate, Jade Johnson ODs. The remaining addicts see this as an opportunity to smuggle a load of heroin back to the States – theyconcoct a story about how Jade was an American heroine, fighting terrorists in their own back yard.

Before returning the body home, they stuff it full of smack, knowing that the authorities wouldn’t dare search her. Upon return, however, their plans go up in smoke when Jade’s parents decide to cremate the body.

Possible dialogue:

Chase: She’s now packed with over 50 kilos of pure Aunt Hazel.

Steve: I’ve never been as attracted to her as I am now.

Ricky: I totally want to do her.