Ching, Chong & the Chinaman (R)

Genre: Wild West Kick ‘Em Up

1854: A small group of specially-trained, fresh-off-the-boat Chinamen (Jet Li as Ching, Stephen Chow as Chong, Jackie Chan as ‘the Chinaman’) travel to California. Their mission? To win big at local casinos using sneaky card counting tricks and bust out sick kung fu moves if required (note: they will be).

But Sacremento proves one town too far. The casino’s owner, notorious Jack ‘Cattle Prod’ Jones (Steven Seagal) and his henchmen (Jean-Claude ‘Heart Attack’ Van Damme & Jason Statham) aren’t going to let their money go without a fight. High octane action ensues.

Special cameo by Loni Anderson as the town whore.

Possible Dialogue:

Jones: Hand back the cash and your little friend here won’t get hurt.

The Chinaman: Let’s paint this town yarrow (flurry of flying kicks and punches, cash flies everywhere, Chong is prodded in the unmentionables, etc…)

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dench

"I'll soon get me gin money, see what a jolly bonnet i've got?"

The Frightful Fears of Fanny Fanciful (R)

The story of a paranoid-schizophrenic prostitute Fanny Fanciful (Dame Judi Dench) in Victorian London who is obsessed with the idea that one day she will be attacked whilst ‘on duty’. Unfortunately she has no choice to continue her ‘work’ in order to get by.

Despite her friends’ attempts to calm her fears (friends played by Helen Mirren, Tilda Swinton, Dame Maggie Smith, Loni Anderson) she becomes increasingly delusional, and ends up turning to gin to help calm her frayed nerves.

At one of her many frequented gin joints, she is befriended by a male companion (Donald Sutherland or Mickey Rooney), who (over time) is able to soothe her into a sense of security.

Unfortunately, he ends up being Jack the Ripper – and she becomes his first victim.

Possible scene: Vicious topless bar brawl between Fanny and rival French tart (Catherine Deneuve – aka the French Dench) featuring a lot of rolling around in sawdust/biting each other’s bingo-wings etc (will rival naked brawl scenes from Borat and Eastern Promises).

When the Well Runs Dry (G)

January 6, 2009

mirren-cuba

When the Well Runs Dry (G)

Riveting 9 hour documentary featuring over-the-hill out-of-work actresses drinking Crantinis and talking about being over-the-hill and out-of-work. Featuring the likes of Dame Judi Dench, Helen Mirren, Shirley Maclaine, Sean Young, Debra Winger, Margo Kidder, Loni Anderson

Special appearance by Cuba Gooding Jr, who discusses his unique career path and apologizes for his Oscar win.

Possible Follow Up: A film featuring Cuba Gooding Jr, who is forced to perform degrading acts to win roles in upcoming movies.