Kebabs & Urine (15)

September 22, 2010

Kebabs & Urine (15)

Mike Leigh’s latest slice-of-life drama.

Tired of the recurring death threats, incontinent abortionist Dr Mortimer Waters (Timothy Spall) retires from his Yorkshire-based practice and moves to a quaint English seaside town where he falls in love with a waitress, Mary Tippleton (Tilda Swinton) – a devout Catholic, who’s bored and waiting for life to happen.

 As their relationship develops, Dr Waters becomes concerned that his feelings could never be fully reciprocated if Mary learnt of his old profession. (note: include emotional scene of a soaked Dr Waters burying his abortionist tools in the garden in the middle of a storm.)

When Mary learns that she’s pregnant (impossible as she’s a virgin!), Dr Waters chances fate and informs her of his past. Hilarity ensues.

Possible dialogue:

Dr Waters: “Eeh by gum! I shall miss thee little buggers – eh? What’s this? – oh no, I’ve pissed missen!”

dench

"I'll soon get me gin money, see what a jolly bonnet i've got?"

The Frightful Fears of Fanny Fanciful (R)

The story of a paranoid-schizophrenic prostitute Fanny Fanciful (Dame Judi Dench) in Victorian London who is obsessed with the idea that one day she will be attacked whilst ‘on duty’. Unfortunately she has no choice to continue her ‘work’ in order to get by.

Despite her friends’ attempts to calm her fears (friends played by Helen Mirren, Tilda Swinton, Dame Maggie Smith, Loni Anderson) she becomes increasingly delusional, and ends up turning to gin to help calm her frayed nerves.

At one of her many frequented gin joints, she is befriended by a male companion (Donald Sutherland or Mickey Rooney), who (over time) is able to soothe her into a sense of security.

Unfortunately, he ends up being Jack the Ripper – and she becomes his first victim.

Possible scene: Vicious topless bar brawl between Fanny and rival French tart (Catherine Deneuve – aka the French Dench) featuring a lot of rolling around in sawdust/biting each other’s bingo-wings etc (will rival naked brawl scenes from Borat and Eastern Promises).