Vault Disney (R)

November 15, 2010

Vault Disney (R)

Genre: Horror (‘Final Destination’ meets Who Framed Roger Rabbit’)

Tagline: “Why won’t you die, you frozen headed motherfucker!?”

A few days before Halloween, a group of thrill-seeking California teens break into the secret vault containing the cryogenically frozen corpse of Walt Disney and steal his head as a prank.

The following night ‘Headless Walt’ returns to stalk the ‘Burbs. He wants his head back and he wants revenge against them that took it.

And so begins a trail of terror, as one by one the teens are tracked down and killed in a variety of ways, all reminiscent of classic Disney movies. (*Walt is able to summon up nightmare versions of much loved cartoon characters to help him carry out the series of grisly murders – e.g. one girl is hacked to death by a gang of midgets, while another boy is ripped to pieces by a pack of rabid dalmations, etc…)

Eventually, the one remaining teen (Mary Elizabeth Winstead) turns to her father (Kurt Russell) for help. So on Halloween, they make what will prove to be their last trip together to Disneyland (the scene of many happy family memories for both of them) as they face a final showdown with Walt on the roof of Sleeping Beauty’s castle during a thunderstorm.

* In true Disney style, there’ll be a range of crapy merchandise to cash in on this one, such as ‘Headless Walt’ action figures and a child’s nightlight in the shape of a head that sings a creepy, croaky version of ‘When You Wish Upon a Star’ (but only when it knows the child is alone)

These Eyes (R)

December 31, 2009

These Eyes (R)

Predictable scare-fest that tells the tale of Mia Bildin (Patricia Arquette), who receives a series of transplants (corneal, heart, etc) and begins to experience the previous organ owners’ visions, emotions, sensations, etc.

Unexpected hilarity ensues when her doctor recommends a rectal transplant.

Lights Out (R)

December 21, 2009

Lights Out (R)

Genre: Christmas ghost story

December 12th. Retired detective, Ginny Swine (Judi Dench) is speeding through Florida, when she is arrested for drunk driving and sentenced to spend Christmas in Florida State Prison (the Alcratraz of the Everglades).

As an ex cop, she is shunned by both inmates and guards. The only person who even acknowledges her presence is troubled teen gangbanger, LaWanda (Gabourey Sidibe) who is heavily pregnant and due to give birth on December 25th. LaWanda & Ginny strike up an unlikely friendship and Ginny teaches her how to defend herself against rival gang members.

Unfortunately, Ginny is unable to defend herself from the terror that visits her cell every night. Just after lights out, she is repeatedly raped by the ghost of Aileen Wournos (Charlize Theron) – the executed serial killer was the previous occupant of Ginny’s cell & now haunts it.

Ginny & LaWanda realise neither of them (nor the baby) will survive much longer if they stay in jail, so they decide to attempt the impossible and escape.

Long story short, they escape, just in time for LaWanda’s baby to be born in freedom on Christmas day. They go their separate ways and LaWanda leaves her life of crime behind.

Months later, LaWanda (now a successful businesswoman) tries to discreetly track down the cop who saved her life, to thank her properly, but is shocked to discover that Ginny Swine died in car accident on December 12th! oooooh!

**soundtrack includes the surprise Christmas No.1 ‘O Holy Night’ by Dave Crosby & Susan Boyle

Speed-Dial (PG-13)

October 27, 2009

speed dial


Speed Dial (PG-13)

Incomprehensible, Hollywood remake of the Japanese horror classic: Great Buddha! by Bestowing Most Favoured Friend Status on You, via Phone Function, I Condemn You to a Cruel Death (R).

An attractive blonde teen’s equally attractive teen friends are dying in mysterious and violent circumstances. First the Asian one… Then the black one… Even the disabled one…

With the help of hunky cop (David Caruso), the blonde discovers that they’re being killed in the order in which they’re placed on her speed dial.

Could the killer be teen ex-boyfriend (Matt LeBlanc) in a deranged attempt to regain the coveted No. 1 spot? Yes.

Look out for the lazy sequel ‘Speed-Dial 2: By The Numbers’

Knock, Knock… (R)

October 19, 2009

Knock, Knock… (R)



Disturbed ventriloquist Adrian Winter (Edward Norton) and his pregnant wife Katharine (Winona Ryder) spend their first Halloween together, renovating a run-down (and supposedly haunted) beach house.

Unexplained happenings escalate and they have terrifying glimpses of what appears to be a masked child, scurrying around the house. Soon Katharine is fearing for her life… and the life of her unborn child!

Is Adrian insane and behind the disturbances himself? Or could Adrian’s dummy ‘Woodstock’ actually be alive and suffering from a maniacal form of sibling rivalry?

Possible dialogue:

Katharine: “No darling, it couldn’t have been Woodstock. It was you… You put kitty litter in the humus!”