A very special treat for you all, as we present our first ever celebrity-penned failed movie:

In the Tweet of the Night (PG-13)

With only a week left before he retires to a log cabin in Concord, Massachusetts, technophobe fire chief Raymond Dorsey (Jeff Bridges) is perplexed by a series of dead bodies found hunched in front of their computer screens across Boston.

Intrigued by an increasing number of tweets recounting the cause of each poster’s own death in her Twitter timeline, journalist Nina Hutchison (Megan Fox) begins to investigate the phenomena. She quickly realises that people have become so addicted to sharing every details of their day-to-day life, that the victims have stayed at their computers tweeting about house fires, perishing at their computers instead of walking out the door.

The following night, Hutchison’s timeline captures the death of Dame Judi Dench. But, as well mentioning the fire, Dame Dench’s last tweet describes strong, manly hands around her throat. Twenty-four hours later Stephen Fry posts a similar tweet and Hutchison realises Boston has a serial killer on the loose, strangling his victims and burning down their house to hide his tracks.

Hutchison convinces Dorsey to let her help catch the killer. After wrongly being arrested as a suspect, 50 Cent (Forest Whitaker) lends a hand and the mismatched threesome track down and apprehend Barbara Stone (Ellen DeGeneres), though not before Stone has also killed twitterati Russell Brand, Barry Glendenning and Peter Serafinowicz.

Possible dialogue:

Dorsey: Worldwidewhat? Interwhich? I don’t understand what you’re saying!
50Cent (tweeting): Gonna find who you are fuck and fuck you up, bitch. No ho fuck with my homo homie @StephenFry without getting whupped upside his head. Dog.
English50Cent (tweeting): One will discover your identity and cause one pain. One doesn’t mess with my best boy, Stephen Fry, without a cuff around the ear. Whatto.
Dorsey (while Glendenning posts his last tweets): Get out of there! Get out of there! What’s wrong with him? Why doesn’t he just leave! Get out of there! Get out of there, damnit!
Russell Brand (tweeting): It’s getting hot in here. Best take off all my clothes. Strong, manly hands around throat. Bring condoms.

Captain Pickle’s Fuzzy Warm Hugs Gang (G)

Genre: Psychedelic/surrealistic animated tosh

Struggling conceptual artists Stan Redman and Calvin Green (voiced by Owen and Luke Wilson) travel to a transcendental meditation retreat in Rikikesh, India, seeking spiritual guidance and artistic inspiration (and drugs). Other guests include cartoon versions of Mia Farrow, Ringo Starr, Brian Wilson, Jeff Bridges, Dame Judi Dench, etc.

Soon after their arrival, however, the Maharishi (the retreat’s guru) is kidnapped by a group of monsters known as the Bad Vibes (who dress somewhat like the Taliban and have a dislike for creativity).

Redman and Green convince the other guests to form a musical band (dubbed ‘Captain Pickle’s Fuzzy Warm Hugs Gang’) to fight the Bad Vibes with ‘good vibes’ and to show them the value of love, music and art (and drugs).

Bombarded with endless music, the Bad Vibes are forced to surrender. Redman and Green offer a token of friendship (shrooms) to the Chief Bad Vibe and he has a ‘change of heart’. The Maharishi is saved and an enormous (drug fueled) party ensues!


Listen to Captain Pickle’s Theme Here

Possible Dialogue:

Redman: “But are you riding the horse? or is the horse riding you?”