Creatures of Habit (PG-13)

October 30, 2011

Creatures of Habit (PG-13) The Wolfman 02

Genre: Horror

Deep in the forests of Eastern Europe, an isolated convent is plagued by a series of terrifying attacks carried out by a mysterious wolf-like creature. The mother superior (Dame Judi Dench) contacts the Vatican for help, who send their best (only) werewolf hunter (Brad Pitt) to investigate. When the priest/wolf hunter enters into the sexually charged atmosphere, he immediately steps up security & makes the building ‘werewolf-proof’. Nothing will be able to get in or out.

The attacks continue. The priest is convinced that one of the nuns must be the culprit so he decides to call in the young nuns for interrogation, one by one. He suspects one novice nun (Zooey Deschanel) in particular, but ultimately, the interviews prove to be inconclusive (*werewolves are extremely hard to crack, and its possible that the nun in question may not even realise herself)

But one thing is certain. The novice nun and the priest are strongly attracted to each other. Eventually they give in to temptation and in a shocking scene, their love making literally brings out the beast in her, as she transforms into a wolf right in front of the startled priest! The cornered priest, far from being terrified, is clearly delighted and in a surprising twist, he also transforms into a werewolf! (*he feared he was the last of his kind and has been searching for a mate for years, using the disguise of Vatican wolf-hunter as the prefect cover) The gratuitious sex scene, which began in typical Hollywood fashion, concludes in a style more reminiscent of an explicit David Attenborough documentary.

The pair of wolves are now set to escape, where they will no doubt begin the process of repopulating the forests with their cursed species, which for so long, was thought to have been eradicated.

But the mother superior knows she cannot allow that to happen, even if she must sacrifice herself and all her sisters in the process.

And so begins a night of terror, under a full moon, as werewolf faces nun, in a desperate battle for survival. Will anyone live to see the dawn?…

Fast & Führerous (PG-13)

September 26, 2011

Fast & Führerous (PG-13)


Tagline: One man can change history. But only if there’s two of him.

Time Traveller, Cliff Clayburn (David Schwimmer) returns in what could be his last (or first) adventure.

Cliff has promised not to meddle in time travel anymore and instead takes up the gentle hobby of genealogy. As he delves into his family history, he is horrified to discover exactly how much the Clayburns suffered at the hands of the Nazis – they were all but wiped out!

Cliff becomes obsessed with the idea of using his time machine, one last time, to alter the course of history for the better by killing Hitler before WWII, thereby bringing his murdered relatives back from the dead (along with countless millions of others).

But in a shock discovery, Cliff finds irrefutable proof that his biological grandfather was actually Adolf Hitler! (his late grandmother, a German Jewish gymnast, had often spoken of how she once met Hitler during the 1936 Berlin Olympics but clearly she hadn’t told the whole story.)

What is Cliff to do? If he succeeds in his plan, millions will be saved but his children will cease to exist. For Cliff, it comes down to a simple mathematics so he continues with his plan.

But how can an American Jew get close enough to the Führer to kill him?  Cliff decides that the only way is to compete in the 1936 Olymics and win gold. Then, when he comes face to face with Hitler at the medal presentation, he would a perfect opportunity to strike. To achieve this, however,  Cliff (now pushing fifty) will have to beat Jesse Owens over 100 meters.

Cliff has an idea. He used to be a very promising athlete in college but he lacked the maturity and dedication required to get to the top. With his time machine, however, Cliff can stop off in the 80’s, pick up his 18-year-old self (we’ll need some CGI trickery here) and together they can continue to travel back in time to 1930’s Nazi Germany, where middle-aged Cliff can coach teenage Cliff to Olympic gold!

& so begins an adventure combining sporting glory with wartime espionage (‘Chariots of Fire’ meets ‘Inglorious Basterds’) Will our intrepid heroes: old Cliff, young Cliff, young grandma Clayburn (Natalie Portman), & Jesse Owens (Nelsan Ellis) succeed in their audacious attempt to beat the Nazi’s in their own back yard? & will Cliff actually change history for the better? or just make things worse as usual?

Clayburn Chronicles:

Cliff Clayburn Duplication

Death Spam


Vault Disney (R)

November 15, 2010

Vault Disney (R)

Genre: Horror (‘Final Destination’ meets Who Framed Roger Rabbit’)

Tagline: “Why won’t you die, you frozen headed motherfucker!?”

A few days before Halloween, a group of thrill-seeking California teens break into the secret vault containing the cryogenically frozen corpse of Walt Disney and steal his head as a prank.

The following night ‘Headless Walt’ returns to stalk the ‘Burbs. He wants his head back and he wants revenge against them that took it.

And so begins a trail of terror, as one by one the teens are tracked down and killed in a variety of ways, all reminiscent of classic Disney movies. (*Walt is able to summon up nightmare versions of much loved cartoon characters to help him carry out the series of grisly murders – e.g. one girl is hacked to death by a gang of midgets, while another boy is ripped to pieces by a pack of rabid dalmations, etc…)

Eventually, the one remaining teen (Mary Elizabeth Winstead) turns to her father (Kurt Russell) for help. So on Halloween, they make what will prove to be their last trip together to Disneyland (the scene of many happy family memories for both of them) as they face a final showdown with Walt on the roof of Sleeping Beauty’s castle during a thunderstorm.

* In true Disney style, there’ll be a range of crapy merchandise to cash in on this one, such as ‘Headless Walt’ action figures and a child’s nightlight in the shape of a head that sings a creepy, croaky version of ‘When You Wish Upon a Star’ (but only when it knows the child is alone)

The Facility (R)

October 22, 2010

The Facility (R)

Genre: Intense horror. This year’s ‘Paranormal activity’ filmed entirely within a claustrophobic toilet cubicle.

Tagline: As if taking a dump at work wasn’t scary enough already.

Friday afternoon at an ordinary Detroit law firm, sits an ordinary employee just waiting for his uneventful weekend to begin. But today, Adam Faith (Matt Damon) is about to take a risk by having a last minute ‘No. 2’ at work. It could prove to be the biggest mistake of his life.

Finding it quite busy and seeking privacy, he takes the elevator to a secluded bathroom on the derelict top floor (this is Detroit). He makes himself comfortable and begins. He hears someone else enter (odd?) but he continues as quietly as possible. However, during the procedure, he unwittingly lets rip with a ‘machine gun’ like blast of wind! Panic stricken, he decides not to acknowledge it and remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare all concerned any awkwardness or embarrassment.

Unfortunately, he is denied a suitable window of opportunity as he thinks he can still hear the intruder. Soon he realises he has left it far too late and by now everybody must have gone home for the weekend. He tries to open the door but it’s stuck! (*it’s a very sturdy cubicle. Impossible to break down or climb over/under.)

And so begins a horrific ordeal, set to last at least the next three nights. As Adam tries to cope with the effects of dehydration and hunger, he passes in and out of consciousness (without any heating and with only natural light from the broken window.)

At one stage, in desperation, he tries to squeeze under the cubicle door legs first but he becomes stuck and feels something scratching at his legs (rats?)
Then, it seems that an unseen entity is trying to communicate with him through graffiti, which mysteriously appears and disappears on the cubicle wall!
Eventually, he realises that there is someone (or something) in the bathroom with him. Just on the other side of the door… Something evil!

Adam now knows that he is engaged in a titanic struggle, not just for his life, but for possession of his very soul!

Fact: a demon cannot take or even buy a soul. It can only be given away. A demon’s job is to convince us that our souls are worthless.

Will Adam find the strength to hold on?

A very special treat for you all, as we present our first ever celebrity-penned failed movie:

In the Tweet of the Night (PG-13)

With only a week left before he retires to a log cabin in Concord, Massachusetts, technophobe fire chief Raymond Dorsey (Jeff Bridges) is perplexed by a series of dead bodies found hunched in front of their computer screens across Boston.

Intrigued by an increasing number of tweets recounting the cause of each poster’s own death in her Twitter timeline, journalist Nina Hutchison (Megan Fox) begins to investigate the phenomena. She quickly realises that people have become so addicted to sharing every details of their day-to-day life, that the victims have stayed at their computers tweeting about house fires, perishing at their computers instead of walking out the door.

The following night, Hutchison’s timeline captures the death of Dame Judi Dench. But, as well mentioning the fire, Dame Dench’s last tweet describes strong, manly hands around her throat. Twenty-four hours later Stephen Fry posts a similar tweet and Hutchison realises Boston has a serial killer on the loose, strangling his victims and burning down their house to hide his tracks.

Hutchison convinces Dorsey to let her help catch the killer. After wrongly being arrested as a suspect, 50 Cent (Forest Whitaker) lends a hand and the mismatched threesome track down and apprehend Barbara Stone (Ellen DeGeneres), though not before Stone has also killed twitterati Russell Brand, Barry Glendenning and Peter Serafinowicz.

Possible dialogue:

Dorsey: Worldwidewhat? Interwhich? I don’t understand what you’re saying!
50Cent (tweeting): Gonna find who you are fuck and fuck you up, bitch. No ho fuck with my homo homie @StephenFry without getting whupped upside his head. Dog.
English50Cent (tweeting): One will discover your identity and cause one pain. One doesn’t mess with my best boy, Stephen Fry, without a cuff around the ear. Whatto.
Dorsey (while Glendenning posts his last tweets): Get out of there! Get out of there! What’s wrong with him? Why doesn’t he just leave! Get out of there! Get out of there, damnit!
Russell Brand (tweeting): It’s getting hot in here. Best take off all my clothes. Strong, manly hands around throat. Bring condoms.