What About Dad? (PG-13)

March 30, 2010

What About Dad? (PG-13)

Unhappy and jaded teenager Stacy Fairchild (Ellen Page) decides to seek out her long-lost paternal father (Michael Keaton) despite her mother (Sigourney Weaver) and stepfather’s (Tom Skerritt) wishes.

Shockingly, Stacy discovers that her father has been in a mental institution for twenty years – something she was never told. Against her mother’s wishes, she decides to visit and meet him for the first time (includes very emotional reunion scene).

Much to Stacy’s surprise, the crazy father tells her that he was duped into the mental hospital by his conniving ex-wife (her mom) and her boyfriend (now her stepfather) – stealing his fortune in the process. He convinces her that he’s sane and she decides to help him sneak out to seek redemption and revenge.

Hilarity ensues when the dad turns out to be crazy as a loon.

Possible dialogue:

Crazy dad: Don’t you see? They stole my freedom, they stole my daughter… they stole… my… life!

Daughter: (in tears) OK, dad. I’m going to get you out of here.

Crazy dad: Just let me get my cape and my Barbies.

The First Mermaid (PG-13)

A victim of low self-esteem, Thandy Milson (Scarlett Johansson) is forever unhappy with her self-image. After several unsuccessful attempts at plastic surgery, she decides to replace her bottom half with that of a large tuna – thus becoming the first  mermaid.

With her change, comes minor celebrity and fame. She appears on talk shows, reality TV, etc… Despite the attention, however, her self-esteem is no better and she begins to regret he mer-status.

One evening she is drugged and kidnapped by a billionaire Russian (Rick Moranis) with a penchant for collecting rare beasts. She is deposited in a specially built tank in the Russian’s mansion. When she awakes, she discovers she’s not the only captive in the Russian’s animal ‘harem’ and befriends other exotic creatures.

The captives are all eventually informed that they are to be part of a massive feast, hosted by the Russian billionaire. So they must work together and combine forces to plot their escape (ultimately she learns that self-confidence doesn’t come from having a nice tuna butt, etc…)

Possible dialogue:
Mermaid: “Slap him now beaverman!”

Coffin Dodger (R)

June 1, 2009

 

Coffin Dodger (R)
Rodney Hobson
One old man has scared the bejesuz out of four generations of one family… tonight, four generations of one family are going to scare the bejesuz out of one old man.

Halloween: ten-year-old Skip Hipplemeyer (Hayley Joel Osment) is about to go trick-or-treating with his father ‘Skip’ (Bill Paxton), his grandfather ‘Skip’ (Harvey Keitel), and his great grandfather ‘Scypemünd’ (Karl Malden).

In the past, they would have stayed well away from the old Hobson house, as they’ve all been terrified of crazy old Rodney Hobson (Clint Eastwood) for as long as any of them can remember.

Tonight, however, the four Hipplemeyer boys decide to bring Mr Hobson’s reign of terror to an end – “I mean, just how old is he? He was even an old man when Scypemünd was a boy in the 30’s! It just ain’t natural, I say we scare that old man to death!”

But maybe Mr Hobson has a few surprises in store for the Hipplemeyers…

Dame Judi Dead (R)

May 15, 2009

Dame Judi Dead (R)

Dame Judi... or is it?

Dame Judi... or is it?

Genre: Psychological thriller

When professional actress Dame Judi Dench (herself) receives a series of death threats from a maniac stalker, she hires Maurice Jones (Tyler Perry) to act as her personal body double.

All goes according to plan, as the Dame lays low for several months whilst Maurice takes on her duties of accepting awards and making personal appearances.

After a few quiet months, the Dame, feeling a sense of security, relieves Maurice of his duties. But Maurice, having grown accustomed to the celebrity lifestyle, has begun to believe that he is the real Judi Dench. After a furious row with Dench, he makes plans to ‘permanently replace’ her.

The real Dench outsmarts her imposter by enlisting the help of her maniac stalker (Steve Buscemi), inviting him to meet for tea and cunningly luring Maurice to the same location. When the stalker sees whom he thinks is Judi Dench, he murders her/him. The imposter is eliminated, the stalker is arrested and the Dench safely continues her duties of accepting awards and making personal appearances.

opc01892

Reap What You Sow (R)

When farmer Jeb Wilkins (Matthew McConaughey) is paid with seed for giving a ride to a sickly, Goth hitchhiker, he thinks nothing of it and tosses it in his garden.

Months later, pods grow where the seeds were dropped and open to unleash savage, blood-thirsty monsters. Jeb is forced to defend his farm from the invaders… by any means necessary.

Through a series of battles he (by chance) discovers their Achilles’ heel: milk. Only one drop can kill. And so begins a dangerous game of cat and mouse between farmer and monsters.

Possible scene #1: Jeb firing a shotgun at the monsters whilst riding a large squealing pig.

Possible scene #2: Barricaded in his barn, hiding behind a cow (lying on its side), Jeb is preparing to squeeze a milk-filled teat at the monsters:”Got milk, you lactose intolerant motherfu**ers?”

Sponsored by the Dairy Farmers of America

Reap What You Sow II: Fear the Banditos (R)

In an evil plot, seasonal Mexican labourers (Antonio Banderas, Benicio Del Toro and Selma Hayek) plant mysterious seeds all over Californian farms with the hope that the seed will sprout man-eating monsters that will depopulate the area, allowing them to claim the vacant land.

Plans go awry when the creatures become uncontrollable and turn on the Mexicans.

Possible scene #1: Del Toro firing a shotgun at the monsters whilst riding a large squealing pig.

Possible scene #2: Farmer running straight at the army of monsters and Mexicans, hurling a bucket of milk over them (in slow motion), shouting at the top of his voice: “GET THE HELL OUT OF CALIFORNIA!!!”

Possible scene #3: Barricaded in his barn, hiding behind Selma Hayek (lying on her side), Banderas is preparing to squeeze a milk-filled teat at the monsters:”Leche conseguida, usted fu**ers de madre intolerantes a la lactosa?”

salma_hayek

** perhaps the sequel can be in 3-D…