Coffin Dodger (R)

June 1, 2009

 

Coffin Dodger (R)
Rodney Hobson
One old man has scared the bejesuz out of four generations of one family… tonight, four generations of one family are going to scare the bejesuz out of one old man.

Halloween: ten-year-old Skip Hipplemeyer (Hayley Joel Osment) is about to go trick-or-treating with his father ‘Skip’ (Bill Paxton), his grandfather ‘Skip’ (Harvey Keitel), and his great grandfather ‘Scypemünd’ (Karl Malden).

In the past, they would have stayed well away from the old Hobson house, as they’ve all been terrified of crazy old Rodney Hobson (Clint Eastwood) for as long as any of them can remember.

Tonight, however, the four Hipplemeyer boys decide to bring Mr Hobson’s reign of terror to an end – “I mean, just how old is he? He was even an old man when Scypemünd was a boy in the 30’s! It just ain’t natural, I say we scare that old man to death!”

But maybe Mr Hobson has a few surprises in store for the Hipplemeyers…

Dame Judi Dead (R)

May 15, 2009

Dame Judi Dead (R)

Dame Judi... or is it?

Dame Judi... or is it?

Genre: Psychological thriller

When professional actress Dame Judi Dench (herself) receives a series of death threats from a maniac stalker, she hires Maurice Jones (Tyler Perry) to act as her personal body double.

All goes according to plan, as the Dame lays low for several months whilst Maurice takes on her duties of accepting awards and making personal appearances.

After a few quiet months, the Dame, feeling a sense of security, relieves Maurice of his duties. But Maurice, having grown accustomed to the celebrity lifestyle, has begun to believe that he is the real Judi Dench. After a furious row with Dench, he makes plans to ‘permanently replace’ her.

The real Dench outsmarts her imposter by enlisting the help of her maniac stalker (Steve Buscemi), inviting him to meet for tea and cunningly luring Maurice to the same location. When the stalker sees whom he thinks is Judi Dench, he murders her/him. The imposter is eliminated, the stalker is arrested and the Dench safely continues her duties of accepting awards and making personal appearances.

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Reap What You Sow (R)

When farmer Jeb Wilkins (Matthew McConaughey) is paid with seed for giving a ride to a sickly, Goth hitchhiker, he thinks nothing of it and tosses it in his garden.

Months later, pods grow where the seeds were dropped and open to unleash savage, blood-thirsty monsters. Jeb is forced to defend his farm from the invaders… by any means necessary.

Through a series of battles he (by chance) discovers their Achilles’ heel: milk. Only one drop can kill. And so begins a dangerous game of cat and mouse between farmer and monsters.

Possible scene #1: Jeb firing a shotgun at the monsters whilst riding a large squealing pig.

Possible scene #2: Barricaded in his barn, hiding behind a cow (lying on its side), Jeb is preparing to squeeze a milk-filled teat at the monsters:”Got milk, you lactose intolerant motherfu**ers?”

Sponsored by the Dairy Farmers of America

Reap What You Sow II: Fear the Banditos (R)

In an evil plot, seasonal Mexican labourers (Antonio Banderas, Benicio Del Toro and Selma Hayek) plant mysterious seeds all over Californian farms with the hope that the seed will sprout man-eating monsters that will depopulate the area, allowing them to claim the vacant land.

Plans go awry when the creatures become uncontrollable and turn on the Mexicans.

Possible scene #1: Del Toro firing a shotgun at the monsters whilst riding a large squealing pig.

Possible scene #2: Farmer running straight at the army of monsters and Mexicans, hurling a bucket of milk over them (in slow motion), shouting at the top of his voice: “GET THE HELL OUT OF CALIFORNIA!!!”

Possible scene #3: Barricaded in his barn, hiding behind Selma Hayek (lying on her side), Banderas is preparing to squeeze a milk-filled teat at the monsters:”Leche conseguida, usted fu**ers de madre intolerantes a la lactosa?”

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** perhaps the sequel can be in 3-D…

 

The Shaolin Orangutan (PG-13)

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While on a business trip to Henan Province in China, New York entrepreneur Robbie Tussin (Chris Rock) and his interpreter (Lucy Lui) are attacked by bandits. Luckily a passing Shaolin warrior monk, Ling-Ling – who happens to be an orangutan – fights off the bandits (using all sorts of wacky kung-fu moves) and saves Robbie’s life.

Instead of being grateful, Robbie drugs and kidnaps Ling-Ling, intending to use him as the main attraction at his Staten Island circus.

When one of Ling-Ling’s pupils, Lin-Chung (Stephen Chow), hears of this, he sets of to New York. Not to save Ling-Ling… but to save New York!

Notes: This film is dedicated to the memory of a true professional – we couldn’t have done it without you bro.

Clive 1993-2008

Clive 1993-2008

Slap Happy (G)

December 23, 2008

mirrendm_468x388-707338Slap Happy (G)

Date-rape/rom-com staring Tommy Lee Jones, Claire Danes & Helen Mirren

Fun loving rapist Alabama Slam (Jones) gets more than he bargained for when mother & daughter victims, Sarah & Jessica Parker (Danes & Mirren) decide to teach him a lesson he’ll never forget.

“a life-affirming Christmas treat” (The Sun)