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Pirates of the Gulf of Aden (G)

Genre: Blockbuster pirate flick / Inter-racial love story

Plot:

Muhammad Akbar (Johnny Depp) and his band of merry pirates (Omid Djalili, Djimon Hounsou, Michael Richards, etc.) patrol the seas of the Gulf of Aden in a high speed dhow, hunting for wealthy merchant vessels to loot.

One day, whilst patroling the open sea, they happen upon a raft on which a ragged, lifeless person (Trump Steelman played by Hugh Grant) lay. Despite some of the pirates’ suspicions, Steelman is employed by Muhammad as an assistant-to-the-junior-yeoman pirate. Unbeknownst to Muhammad, however, Steelman is actually in the pay of the Royal Navy and is acting as a covert undercover agent.

Steelman quickly adjusts to life as a pirate and soon becomes involved in a seedy affair with the ship’s cook – Sunita Chowdry (Rae Dawn Chong) [note: the only meal she knows how to cook is baked beans which is Steelman’s favourite – thus leading to a shared carnal attraction]. Steelman vows to help her escape the grips of the pirates, once the Royal Navy returns to save him.

The pirates, however, intercept a Royal Navy radio signal that reveals the truth behind the new assistant-to-the-junior-yeoman pirate. Muhammad is furious and devises a plan to earn his revenge (insert: torture scene (involving really hot baked beans) that requires some serious Oscar-worthy method-acting by Hugh Grant – may or may not be possible.)

Steelman is then left how he was found: lifeless and floating on a raft in the middle of the Gulf of Aden.

TBD: Unsure how this will end… possible endings include one with: a talking whale (voice by Forest Whitaker), a friendly tortoise (voice by Jason Alexander) or a helpful mermaid/merman (Dame Judi Dench), etc…

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