Condoliers (PG-13)

October 5, 2009

Condoliers (PG-13)

gondolier

Genre: Slapstick/Racist/Revenge comedy

Mario and Luigi Di Natale (Adam Sandler & Sylvester Stallone) are Venetian gondoliers/brothers who work successfully together as conmen targeting wealthy female tourists. They seduce their victims, then inform them that they’re broke and will be forced to sell their family business unless they come up with 10,000 Euros. The con proves successful both for their bankbooks and their bedposts.

One day, enchanting American tourist Beth Handler (Megan Fox) enters their world. Both men immediately fall for her vivacious feminine wilds. Hilarity ensues with the realisation that they are no longer partners… but rivals! (Include predictable scenes of sabotaged sinking gondolas, bloody pigeon heads found in the bed, etc…)

When they discover that one of them is actually Beth’s father* and that she isn’t there to make amends but to spill the blood of the brothers that screwed (literally and figuratively) her mother, they’re forced to work together to save their own hides. Mama Mia!

* she’s the daughter of one of their previous victims  – but she’s not sure which one is her dad as the mother ‘enjoyed the company’ of both men.

Possible dialogue:

Mario: Wazza madda you?

Tomasso: Shud-up-a-ya face!

Box Office Poison (UR)

September 2, 2009

Box Office Poison (UR) (English language version)

cat

donatella

Genre: Lurid Italian horror/thriller

Lonely, creepy, Venetian cinema projectionist, Dario Dante (Geoffrey Rush) has only one interest in life: Donatella Versace. He stalks her around the sinister alleyways and canals of Venice, secretly filming her. He then edits the footage together with his own home movies, to create a make-believe love story which he screens late at night, while gratifying himself, surrounded by the hundreds of screaming wild cats who inhabit his cinema (all of whom have cat-AIDS).

One day a ray of light enters his life. His humble cinema has been chosen to host the premiere of Sophia Loren’s latest movie First Doggy. All of the top celebrities in Italy will be attending, including Donatella. Dario takes this as a sign that they are meant to be together and begins to make preparations for the big night.

Meanwhile, Donatella is aware she is being stalked but not by whom. She hires a personal security adviser: retired English detective, Ginny Swine (Judi Dench) – who moves into the Versace mansion and begins a torrid and totally inappropriate lesbian affair with her employer.

The night of the premiere arrives. Half way through the movie, Dario swaps it for his ‘love story’. The audience is shocked at first but then they (including Donatella) begin laughing. Dario is sent over the edge by a mixture of shame and anger, and decides to put plan ‘B’ into action (ie kill everyone). He releases a canister of Zyklon B poison gas that he’s hidden beneath Roberto Benigni‘s seat.

As the auditorium fills with dead and dying Italian celebs, five lucky souls manage to crawl to the foyer (Ginny, Donatella, Silvio Berlusconi & his new girlfriend: Foxy Knoxy, & err? that porn star/politician with the big boobs who was married to Jeff Koons). Together they must attempt to escape the labyrinthian & booby trapped cinema, while Dario & his AIDS infected cats try to pick them off one by one.

Who will survive?