Fast & Führerous (PG-13)

September 26, 2011

Fast & Führerous (PG-13)


Tagline: One man can change history. But only if there’s two of him.

Time Traveller, Cliff Clayburn (David Schwimmer) returns in what could be his last (or first) adventure.

Cliff has promised not to meddle in time travel anymore and instead takes up the gentle hobby of genealogy. As he delves into his family history, he is horrified to discover exactly how much the Clayburns suffered at the hands of the Nazis – they were all but wiped out!

Cliff becomes obsessed with the idea of using his time machine, one last time, to alter the course of history for the better by killing Hitler before WWII, thereby bringing his murdered relatives back from the dead (along with countless millions of others).

But in a shock discovery, Cliff finds irrefutable proof that his biological grandfather was actually Adolf Hitler! (his late grandmother, a German Jewish gymnast, had often spoken of how she once met Hitler during the 1936 Berlin Olympics but clearly she hadn’t told the whole story.)

What is Cliff to do? If he succeeds in his plan, millions will be saved but his children will cease to exist. For Cliff, it comes down to a simple mathematics so he continues with his plan.

But how can an American Jew get close enough to the Führer to kill him?  Cliff decides that the only way is to compete in the 1936 Olymics and win gold. Then, when he comes face to face with Hitler at the medal presentation, he would a perfect opportunity to strike. To achieve this, however,  Cliff (now pushing fifty) will have to beat Jesse Owens over 100 meters.

Cliff has an idea. He used to be a very promising athlete in college but he lacked the maturity and dedication required to get to the top. With his time machine, however, Cliff can stop off in the 80’s, pick up his 18-year-old self (we’ll need some CGI trickery here) and together they can continue to travel back in time to 1930’s Nazi Germany, where middle-aged Cliff can coach teenage Cliff to Olympic gold!

& so begins an adventure combining sporting glory with wartime espionage (‘Chariots of Fire’ meets ‘Inglorious Basterds’) Will our intrepid heroes: old Cliff, young Cliff, young grandma Clayburn (Natalie Portman), & Jesse Owens (Nelsan Ellis) succeed in their audacious attempt to beat the Nazi’s in their own back yard? & will Cliff actually change history for the better? or just make things worse as usual?

Clayburn Chronicles:

Cliff Clayburn Duplication

Death Spam


Spring Cleaning

April 29, 2009

Spring Cleaning 4-in-1

It’s spring cleaning time here at

For your perusal, a collection of some real duds that have been in development for far too long:

Here Come the Girls (R)


After a female politician is publicly humiliated during an election campaign in a male-dominated town in the Deep South, an angry lesbian couple (the shaved-headed kind) (Natalie Portman & Sandra Bullock) move down from New York to take matters into their own hands.

Day of the Badger (R)


After a government sponsored cull of the badger population, badger lover Jake Hinson (Kris Kristofferson) decides to avenge their murder by hunting the hunters one by one.

Polar Opposites (G)


Fluffy rom-com about two people (Sandra Bullock & Hugh Jackman) who suffer from manic depression. They meet each other while on a ‘manic high’ and have a ‘blast’. Hilarity ensues when they both drop into a deep and prolonged depression.

Silver Foxes (NC-17)


Three hardnosed ex-lady-cops (all with their own special individual skills) are forced out of retirement and work together when a maniac runs loose in their seniors’ compound stealing garden gnomes.

Starring Dame Judi Dench as Detective Ginny Swine, Sandra Bullock as Goldie Hollins, Sophia Loren as Siena Fonseca. 

Notes: To feature a groundbreaking love scene involving all three ladies and a frozen stick of butter.