Blue, Blue Christmas (G)

December 16, 2009

Blue, Blue Christmas (G)

Christmas Eve: Mary (Eva Mendes), a heavily pregnant teenage runaway, is driving through the desert at night pursued by her frantic parents (J.Lo & Judd Hirsch) when a freak snowstorm strikes. The car skids off the road and overturns. Mary is unhurt. Seeing her parent’s headlights in the distance, she continues to make her way through the blizzard on foot.

Intercut with this scene is another featuring a specialist ‘late career’ Elvis impersonator (Jack Black), singing a tragic version of ‘Blue Christmas’ (i.e. slurred words, inappropriate giggling, crying, outbursts of anger, farting, etc). There are two people in the audience – one of them leaves.

Mary sees the lights of what she thinks is an oasis (actually the Sands Hotel – Las Vegas). Safe at last!  But the Republican convention (or something) is in town, they throw her out and there’s nowhere to stay. Mary is forced to break into someone’s garage, whereupon she gives birth to a baby boy.

Christmas day: Jack enters his garage to get some whisky for breakfast and finds a mother and a newborn baby in need of help. He lets them stay. They form a family unit and have the best Christmas ever. Blah, blah…

Jack helps Mary get back on her feet, she helps him clean up his act, he becomes a huge success, they fall in love and the film ends on Christmas day the following year, with Jack top of the bill at the Sands Hotel, performing a sickeningly wholesome version of ‘Blue Christmas’ accompanied by his wife and one year-old daughter. Her parents (J.lo and Judd) are in the audience, applauding wildly (dad is weeping) they hug – celebrity fans Barry Manilow and Celine Dion are also applauding (Barry is weeping) they hug.

The End

See you in the New Year…

Shiv Your Dad (NC-17)

September 8, 2009

Shiv Your Dad (NC-17)

hipplemeyer

Genre: Jailhouse Musical/Dance Extravaganza!

When a judge rules that their song “Shiv Your Dad” encouraged a teen to stab his father, American heavy metal rock band DeathFace (Jack Black, Adam Sandler & Pauly Shore) is sentenced to 20 years in a maximum security penitentiary for manslaughter.

Despite the regular shankings and sodomy, they continue to produce music and their popularity increases (especially among the inmates – who fancy their long hair and tight trousers).

Seeing a flaw in the judge’s decision, fan/lawyer Skip Hipplemeyer Sr (Bill Paxton) takes on their case pro bono. His appeal goes all the way to the Supreme Court and the original decision is ultimately overturned.

Final scenes include an impromptu concert by DeathFace on the steps of the Supreme Court and the shock stabbing of Skip Hipplemeyer Sr by his arch-conservative son Skip Hipplemeyer Jr (Hayley Joel Osment).

Soundtrack:

1. Shave Your Dad –DeathFace (sample lyrics: Don’t care what the judges say, it’s time to seize the day, it’s more than a passing fad, it’s time to shiv your dad…)

2. I Fought the Law – The Clash

3. Jailhouse Rock – Elvis Presley

4. Folsom Prison Blues – Johnny Cash

5. Jailbreak – AC/DC

6. Backdoor Man – The Doors

7. Sodomy Sodoyou (to the tune of ‘Knowing Me, Knowing You’ by ABBA) –DeathFace

8. And Justice for All – Metallica