Vampires of the Pacific (PG-13)

Tagline: This one has legs

The inevitable, and slightly more racist, sequel to the surprise hit of the summer: ‘Vampires of Atlantis‘.*

Three years after the events of the first film, some surviving vampires have adapted to life on dry land, and have chosen the sleepy port city of Hiroshima, Japan, as a foothold in their attempt to ultimately conquer the world. The vampires have been slowly taking over the population, and already control the city’s night life. The only thing stopping them from total control is their fear of daylight.

By sheer coincidence, British agent Felicity Kisschase (Jessica Alba) is also working undercover in the city, as a geisha, attempting to get close to high-ranking General Ozu (Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson) to convince him to defect to the allies. Haphazardly, Felicity uncovers the vampires’ evil plot and sets out to destroy them before it’s too late.

The thrilling climax sees Felicity and Ozu mount a daytime raid on the vampire’s lair (hidden in the basement of the Genbaku dome) but find the huge stone coffins empty! It turns out, the vampires have invented an ‘artificial skin’ which allows them to withstand direct sunlight. Now there’s nothing to stop them!

However, this day happens to be August 6, 1945 and the vampire’s ‘skin’ turns out to be no match for a dose of good old American radiation. Ozu sacrifices himself to save Felicity, by sealing her in the empty (lead-lined) sarcophagus, closing the heavy stone lid, just before the blast kills him, and the vampires.

Gotchagain BLOODSUCKAAAAAAZ!!!!!!!!

*(has now been turned down by every major player in Hollywood. With one (Kevin Spacey) describing it as “that piece of shit”).