Downsizing (G)

January 18, 2010

Downsizing (G)

Tagline: Down is up

Based on the hit Broadway musical of the same name, Downsizing, is the story of Chief Executive Roslyn Walton’s (Judi Dench) failed attempt to purposely financially ruin her company to offset the gains of a sister company (as a sort of tax dodge).

Citing a ‘progressive workplace hiring policy’, Walton fires her entire sales team and replaces them with a group of men and women with Down’s syndrome (Philip Seymour Hoffman, Madonna, etc), with the hopes that their inexperience will lead to a severe downturn in revenue.

Much to Walton’s surprise, however, the new sales team – naturally affable, honest and hard-working – performs exceptionally well. (Include scenes of the new pink-shirted sales team laughing, high-fiving, ringing bells intercut with the image of raining dollar bills)

Walton is faced with financial ruin but is ultimately saved when the new sales team pulls off a management buy-out and takes over the reins of the company.

Possible Dialogue:

Ros: You can’t do this. You’re just a bunch of retards!

Corky: No, ma’am… (eyes welling up)… You… You are the retard.

(not a dry eye in the house)

Night Witches (PG-13)

January 4, 2010

Night Witches (PG-13)

The extraordinary, but little known, tale of how a young Queen Elizabeth secretly joined Britain’s only all-female regiment that flew over 30,000 missions along the Western Front in WWII. At home they we known as Churchill’s Fannies but terrified German troops called them the Night Witches.

The surviving members of the squadron, now all grannies in their 80s and 90s (Helen Mirren, Maggie Smith, Judi Dench), tell their remarkable true story to an awestruck young reporter (Tobey Maguire).

In flashbacks we see their younger selves (Keira Knightley, Helena Bonham Carter, Kate Winslet) transformed from simple country girls, into the courageous warriors, who defeat the Nazis.

Lights Out (R)

December 21, 2009

Lights Out (R)

Genre: Christmas ghost story

December 12th. Retired detective, Ginny Swine (Judi Dench) is speeding through Florida, when she is arrested for drunk driving and sentenced to spend Christmas in Florida State Prison (the Alcratraz of the Everglades).

As an ex cop, she is shunned by both inmates and guards. The only person who even acknowledges her presence is troubled teen gangbanger, LaWanda (Gabourey Sidibe) who is heavily pregnant and due to give birth on December 25th. LaWanda & Ginny strike up an unlikely friendship and Ginny teaches her how to defend herself against rival gang members.

Unfortunately, Ginny is unable to defend herself from the terror that visits her cell every night. Just after lights out, she is repeatedly raped by the ghost of Aileen Wournos (Charlize Theron) – the executed serial killer was the previous occupant of Ginny’s cell & now haunts it.

Ginny & LaWanda realise neither of them (nor the baby) will survive much longer if they stay in jail, so they decide to attempt the impossible and escape.

Long story short, they escape, just in time for LaWanda’s baby to be born in freedom on Christmas day. They go their separate ways and LaWanda leaves her life of crime behind.

Months later, LaWanda (now a successful businesswoman) tries to discreetly track down the cop who saved her life, to thank her properly, but is shocked to discover that Ginny Swine died in car accident on December 12th! oooooh!

**soundtrack includes the surprise Christmas No.1 ‘O Holy Night’ by Dave Crosby & Susan Boyle

Containment Contaminant (PG-13)

Alternate Title: Compromised Immunity

Master of disguise

After a viral outbreak devastates Earth’s inhabitants, one island nation shuts itself off from the rest of the world.

Ruled by an evil queen (Dame Judi Dench) and her idiot son, the island’s inhabitants are kept under control with cheap and readily-available booze. In-breeding becomes the norm and outsiders are forbidden.

When virus-ridden, American boy-genius/master of disguise Skip Hipplemeyer (Haley Joel Osment) infiltrates the island to find his long lost mother (Nigella Lawson) – who happens to be Head of the Secret Police, things get a little interesting…

Possible Dialogue:

Skip (dressed up in a ridiculous prince costume and using an obviously fake accent): Mumsy… may I have a popsicl…err… I mean… ice lolly?

Box Office Poison (UR)

September 2, 2009

Box Office Poison (UR) (English language version)

cat

donatella

Genre: Lurid Italian horror/thriller

Lonely, creepy, Venetian cinema projectionist, Dario Dante (Geoffrey Rush) has only one interest in life: Donatella Versace. He stalks her around the sinister alleyways and canals of Venice, secretly filming her. He then edits the footage together with his own home movies, to create a make-believe love story which he screens late at night, while gratifying himself, surrounded by the hundreds of screaming wild cats who inhabit his cinema (all of whom have cat-AIDS).

One day a ray of light enters his life. His humble cinema has been chosen to host the premiere of Sophia Loren’s latest movie First Doggy. All of the top celebrities in Italy will be attending, including Donatella. Dario takes this as a sign that they are meant to be together and begins to make preparations for the big night.

Meanwhile, Donatella is aware she is being stalked but not by whom. She hires a personal security adviser: retired English detective, Ginny Swine (Judi Dench) – who moves into the Versace mansion and begins a torrid and totally inappropriate lesbian affair with her employer.

The night of the premiere arrives. Half way through the movie, Dario swaps it for his ‘love story’. The audience is shocked at first but then they (including Donatella) begin laughing. Dario is sent over the edge by a mixture of shame and anger, and decides to put plan ‘B’ into action (ie kill everyone). He releases a canister of Zyklon B poison gas that he’s hidden beneath Roberto Benigni‘s seat.

As the auditorium fills with dead and dying Italian celebs, five lucky souls manage to crawl to the foyer (Ginny, Donatella, Silvio Berlusconi & his new girlfriend: Foxy Knoxy, & err? that porn star/politician with the big boobs who was married to Jeff Koons). Together they must attempt to escape the labyrinthian & booby trapped cinema, while Dario & his AIDS infected cats try to pick them off one by one.

Who will survive?