Lights Out (R)

December 21, 2009

Lights Out (R)

Genre: Christmas ghost story

December 12th. Retired detective, Ginny Swine (Judi Dench) is speeding through Florida, when she is arrested for drunk driving and sentenced to spend Christmas in Florida State Prison (the Alcratraz of the Everglades).

As an ex cop, she is shunned by both inmates and guards. The only person who even acknowledges her presence is troubled teen gangbanger, LaWanda (Gabourey Sidibe) who is heavily pregnant and due to give birth on December 25th. LaWanda & Ginny strike up an unlikely friendship and Ginny teaches her how to defend herself against rival gang members.

Unfortunately, Ginny is unable to defend herself from the terror that visits her cell every night. Just after lights out, she is repeatedly raped by the ghost of Aileen Wournos (Charlize Theron) – the executed serial killer was the previous occupant of Ginny’s cell & now haunts it.

Ginny & LaWanda realise neither of them (nor the baby) will survive much longer if they stay in jail, so they decide to attempt the impossible and escape.

Long story short, they escape, just in time for LaWanda’s baby to be born in freedom on Christmas day. They go their separate ways and LaWanda leaves her life of crime behind.

Months later, LaWanda (now a successful businesswoman) tries to discreetly track down the cop who saved her life, to thank her properly, but is shocked to discover that Ginny Swine died in car accident on December 12th! oooooh!

**soundtrack includes the surprise Christmas No.1 ‘O Holy Night’ by Dave Crosby & Susan Boyle

Containment Contaminant (PG-13)

Alternate Title: Compromised Immunity

Master of disguise

After a viral outbreak devastates Earth’s inhabitants, one island nation shuts itself off from the rest of the world.

Ruled by an evil queen (Dame Judi Dench) and her idiot son, the island’s inhabitants are kept under control with cheap and readily-available booze. In-breeding becomes the norm and outsiders are forbidden.

When virus-ridden, American boy-genius/master of disguise Skip Hipplemeyer (Haley Joel Osment) infiltrates the island to find his long lost mother (Nigella Lawson) – who happens to be Head of the Secret Police, things get a little interesting…

Possible Dialogue:

Skip (dressed up in a ridiculous prince costume and using an obviously fake accent): Mumsy… may I have a popsicl…err… I mean… ice lolly?

Box Office Poison (UR)

September 2, 2009

Box Office Poison (UR) (English language version)



Genre: Lurid Italian horror/thriller

Lonely, creepy, Venetian cinema projectionist, Dario Dante (Geoffrey Rush) has only one interest in life: Donatella Versace. He stalks her around the sinister alleyways and canals of Venice, secretly filming her. He then edits the footage together with his own home movies, to create a make-believe love story which he screens late at night, while gratifying himself, surrounded by the hundreds of screaming wild cats who inhabit his cinema (all of whom have cat-AIDS).

One day a ray of light enters his life. His humble cinema has been chosen to host the premiere of Sophia Loren’s latest movie First Doggy. All of the top celebrities in Italy will be attending, including Donatella. Dario takes this as a sign that they are meant to be together and begins to make preparations for the big night.

Meanwhile, Donatella is aware she is being stalked but not by whom. She hires a personal security adviser: retired English detective, Ginny Swine (Judi Dench) – who moves into the Versace mansion and begins a torrid and totally inappropriate lesbian affair with her employer.

The night of the premiere arrives. Half way through the movie, Dario swaps it for his ‘love story’. The audience is shocked at first but then they (including Donatella) begin laughing. Dario is sent over the edge by a mixture of shame and anger, and decides to put plan ‘B’ into action (ie kill everyone). He releases a canister of Zyklon B poison gas that he’s hidden beneath Roberto Benigni‘s seat.

As the auditorium fills with dead and dying Italian celebs, five lucky souls manage to crawl to the foyer (Ginny, Donatella, Silvio Berlusconi & his new girlfriend: Foxy Knoxy, & err? that porn star/politician with the big boobs who was married to Jeff Koons). Together they must attempt to escape the labyrinthian & booby trapped cinema, while Dario & his AIDS infected cats try to pick them off one by one.

Who will survive?

Chalkdust (PG-13)


Wimbledon: The 70’s
John McEnroe (Will Ferrell) & Bjorn Borg (Mackenzie Crook) use their position as swinging sports superstars (& bitter rivals) as a cover for their international drug smuggling operation.
Katherine Heigl is the MI6 agent, determined to bring them down, who poses as the British No.1 seed (while also fending off the sexual advances of her doubles partner, Ukranian No.1 (Judi Dench).
Special appearance by Cliff Richard as ‘Mr Big’.

When We Were Kingpins (PG-13)


Kinshasa, Zaire: The 70’s
Muhammad Ali (Cuba Gooding Jr) & George Foreman (Tracy Morgan) use their position as swinging sports superstars (& bitter rivals) as a cover for their international drug smuggling operation.
Halle Berry is the CIA agent determined to bring them down, who poses as a ring-card girl.
Special appearance by Don King as ‘Mr Big’.

Shot Putz (PG-13)


Munich: The 70’s
Seth Rogen & Sacha Baron Cohen us their position as kidnapped & murdered Israeli athletes as a cover for their international drug smuggling operation.
Natalie Portman is the Mossad agent determined to bring them down.
Special appearance by Woody Allen as ‘Mr Big’.

Gravy Train (G)

June 23, 2009

Gravy Train (G)



Genre: Whimsical epic dramedy set amongst the loveable train-hopping hobo community of depression-era America.

Hoagy (Mickey Rourke) is a penniless drifter, who dreams of a better life. Hoss (Nick Nolte) is his cynical ‘friend’ who always seems to drag them both back down into the gutter.

One day, Hoagy befriends George (Eddie Murphy), a porter on a cross-country train (subplot: in reality, he’s the brains behind the operation and dreams of becoming the first black chairman of a railroad company, replacing his corrupt, racist boss [Daniel Day-Lewis])

George gives Hoagy a job in the dining car, where he displays a previously hidden talent as a chef. Soon the train (& Hoagy’s speciality gravy) is renowned from coast to coast, and Hoagy becomes America’s first celebrity chef.

Just as life start to look rosy for Hoagy, Hoss turns up looking for a piece of the action (along with his freeloading buddies played by Robin Williams, Morgan Freeman and Dame Judi Dench)

Will they ruin Hoagy’s dream? Or will George turn them into a crack train crew, helping them to get themselves (& America) back on track?

Additional Notes:

  • Directed by Ron Howard.
  • Soundtrack to include Amy Winehouse’s single Gravy Train (sung to the tune of Ozzy Osbourne’s Crazy Train):

Gravy, so Hoagy knows,

Feeding the people,

Wherever he goes.


Hoss is back stealing,

Who and what’s to blame,

They’re working all together on a gravy train.

Dame Judi Dead (R)

May 15, 2009

Dame Judi Dead (R)

Dame Judi... or is it?

Dame Judi... or is it?

Genre: Psychological thriller

When professional actress Dame Judi Dench (herself) receives a series of death threats from a maniac stalker, she hires Maurice Jones (Tyler Perry) to act as her personal body double.

All goes according to plan, as the Dame lays low for several months whilst Maurice takes on her duties of accepting awards and making personal appearances.

After a few quiet months, the Dame, feeling a sense of security, relieves Maurice of his duties. But Maurice, having grown accustomed to the celebrity lifestyle, has begun to believe that he is the real Judi Dench. After a furious row with Dench, he makes plans to ‘permanently replace’ her.

The real Dench outsmarts her imposter by enlisting the help of her maniac stalker (Steve Buscemi), inviting him to meet for tea and cunningly luring Maurice to the same location. When the stalker sees whom he thinks is Judi Dench, he murders her/him. The imposter is eliminated, the stalker is arrested and the Dench safely continues her duties of accepting awards and making personal appearances.

Spring Cleaning

April 29, 2009

Spring Cleaning 4-in-1

It’s spring cleaning time here at

For your perusal, a collection of some real duds that have been in development for far too long:

Here Come the Girls (R)


After a female politician is publicly humiliated during an election campaign in a male-dominated town in the Deep South, an angry lesbian couple (the shaved-headed kind) (Natalie Portman & Sandra Bullock) move down from New York to take matters into their own hands.

Day of the Badger (R)


After a government sponsored cull of the badger population, badger lover Jake Hinson (Kris Kristofferson) decides to avenge their murder by hunting the hunters one by one.

Polar Opposites (G)


Fluffy rom-com about two people (Sandra Bullock & Hugh Jackman) who suffer from manic depression. They meet each other while on a ‘manic high’ and have a ‘blast’. Hilarity ensues when they both drop into a deep and prolonged depression.

Silver Foxes (NC-17)


Three hardnosed ex-lady-cops (all with their own special individual skills) are forced out of retirement and work together when a maniac runs loose in their seniors’ compound stealing garden gnomes.

Starring Dame Judi Dench as Detective Ginny Swine, Sandra Bullock as Goldie Hollins, Sophia Loren as Siena Fonseca. 

Notes: To feature a groundbreaking love scene involving all three ladies and a frozen stick of butter.