Condoliers (PG-13)

October 5, 2009

Condoliers (PG-13)

gondolier

Genre: Slapstick/Racist/Revenge comedy

Mario and Luigi Di Natale (Adam Sandler & Sylvester Stallone) are Venetian gondoliers/brothers who work successfully together as conmen targeting wealthy female tourists. They seduce their victims, then inform them that they’re broke and will be forced to sell their family business unless they come up with 10,000 Euros. The con proves successful both for their bankbooks and their bedposts.

One day, enchanting American tourist Beth Handler (Megan Fox) enters their world. Both men immediately fall for her vivacious feminine wilds. Hilarity ensues with the realisation that they are no longer partners… but rivals! (Include predictable scenes of sabotaged sinking gondolas, bloody pigeon heads found in the bed, etc…)

When they discover that one of them is actually Beth’s father* and that she isn’t there to make amends but to spill the blood of the brothers that screwed (literally and figuratively) her mother, they’re forced to work together to save their own hides. Mama Mia!

* she’s the daughter of one of their previous victims  – but she’s not sure which one is her dad as the mother ‘enjoyed the company’ of both men.

Possible dialogue:

Mario: Wazza madda you?

Tomasso: Shud-up-a-ya face!

Shiv Your Dad (NC-17)

September 8, 2009

Shiv Your Dad (NC-17)

hipplemeyer

Genre: Jailhouse Musical/Dance Extravaganza!

When a judge rules that their song “Shiv Your Dad” encouraged a teen to stab his father, American heavy metal rock band DeathFace (Jack Black, Adam Sandler & Pauly Shore) is sentenced to 20 years in a maximum security penitentiary for manslaughter.

Despite the regular shankings and sodomy, they continue to produce music and their popularity increases (especially among the inmates – who fancy their long hair and tight trousers).

Seeing a flaw in the judge’s decision, fan/lawyer Skip Hipplemeyer Sr (Bill Paxton) takes on their case pro bono. His appeal goes all the way to the Supreme Court and the original decision is ultimately overturned.

Final scenes include an impromptu concert by DeathFace on the steps of the Supreme Court and the shock stabbing of Skip Hipplemeyer Sr by his arch-conservative son Skip Hipplemeyer Jr (Hayley Joel Osment).

Soundtrack:

1. Shave Your Dad –DeathFace (sample lyrics: Don’t care what the judges say, it’s time to seize the day, it’s more than a passing fad, it’s time to shiv your dad…)

2. I Fought the Law – The Clash

3. Jailhouse Rock – Elvis Presley

4. Folsom Prison Blues – Johnny Cash

5. Jailbreak – AC/DC

6. Backdoor Man – The Doors

7. Sodomy Sodoyou (to the tune of ‘Knowing Me, Knowing You’ by ABBA) –DeathFace

8. And Justice for All – Metallica