Ching, Chong & the Chinaman (R)

Genre: Wild West Kick ‘Em Up

1854: A small group of specially-trained, fresh-off-the-boat Chinamen (Jet Li as Ching, Stephen Chow as Chong, Jackie Chan as ‘the Chinaman’) travel to California. Their mission? To win big at local casinos using sneaky card counting tricks and bust out sick kung fu moves if required (note: they will be).

But Sacremento proves one town too far. The casino’s owner, notorious Jack ‘Cattle Prod’ Jones (Steven Seagal) and his henchmen (Jean-Claude ‘Heart Attack’ Van Damme & Jason Statham) aren’t going to let their money go without a fight. High octane action ensues.

Special cameo by Loni Anderson as the town whore.

Possible Dialogue:

Jones: Hand back the cash and your little friend here won’t get hurt.

The Chinaman: Let’s paint this town yarrow (flurry of flying kicks and punches, cash flies everywhere, Chong is prodded in the unmentionables, etc…)

Vault Disney (R)

November 15, 2010

Vault Disney (R)

Genre: Horror (‘Final Destination’ meets Who Framed Roger Rabbit’)

Tagline: “Why won’t you die, you frozen headed motherfucker!?”

A few days before Halloween, a group of thrill-seeking California teens break into the secret vault containing the cryogenically frozen corpse of Walt Disney and steal his head as a prank.

The following night ‘Headless Walt’ returns to stalk the ‘Burbs. He wants his head back and he wants revenge against them that took it.

And so begins a trail of terror, as one by one the teens are tracked down and killed in a variety of ways, all reminiscent of classic Disney movies. (*Walt is able to summon up nightmare versions of much loved cartoon characters to help him carry out the series of grisly murders – e.g. one girl is hacked to death by a gang of midgets, while another boy is ripped to pieces by a pack of rabid dalmations, etc…)

Eventually, the one remaining teen (Mary Elizabeth Winstead) turns to her father (Kurt Russell) for help. So on Halloween, they make what will prove to be their last trip together to Disneyland (the scene of many happy family memories for both of them) as they face a final showdown with Walt on the roof of Sleeping Beauty’s castle during a thunderstorm.

* In true Disney style, there’ll be a range of crapy merchandise to cash in on this one, such as ‘Headless Walt’ action figures and a child’s nightlight in the shape of a head that sings a creepy, croaky version of ‘When You Wish Upon a Star’ (but only when it knows the child is alone)

The Facility (R)

October 22, 2010

The Facility (R)

Genre: Intense horror. This year’s ‘Paranormal activity’ filmed entirely within a claustrophobic toilet cubicle.

Tagline: As if taking a dump at work wasn’t scary enough already.

Friday afternoon at an ordinary Detroit law firm, sits an ordinary employee just waiting for his uneventful weekend to begin. But today, Adam Faith (Matt Damon) is about to take a risk by having a last minute ‘No. 2’ at work. It could prove to be the biggest mistake of his life.

Finding it quite busy and seeking privacy, he takes the elevator to a secluded bathroom on the derelict top floor (this is Detroit). He makes himself comfortable and begins. He hears someone else enter (odd?) but he continues as quietly as possible. However, during the procedure, he unwittingly lets rip with a ‘machine gun’ like blast of wind! Panic stricken, he decides not to acknowledge it and remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare all concerned any awkwardness or embarrassment.

Unfortunately, he is denied a suitable window of opportunity as he thinks he can still hear the intruder. Soon he realises he has left it far too late and by now everybody must have gone home for the weekend. He tries to open the door but it’s stuck! (*it’s a very sturdy cubicle. Impossible to break down or climb over/under.)

And so begins a horrific ordeal, set to last at least the next three nights. As Adam tries to cope with the effects of dehydration and hunger, he passes in and out of consciousness (without any heating and with only natural light from the broken window.)

At one stage, in desperation, he tries to squeeze under the cubicle door legs first but he becomes stuck and feels something scratching at his legs (rats?)
Then, it seems that an unseen entity is trying to communicate with him through graffiti, which mysteriously appears and disappears on the cubicle wall!
Eventually, he realises that there is someone (or something) in the bathroom with him. Just on the other side of the door… Something evil!

Adam now knows that he is engaged in a titanic struggle, not just for his life, but for possession of his very soul!

Fact: a demon cannot take or even buy a soul. It can only be given away. A demon’s job is to convince us that our souls are worthless.

Will Adam find the strength to hold on?

A very special treat for you all, as we present our first ever celebrity-penned failed movie:

In the Tweet of the Night (PG-13)

With only a week left before he retires to a log cabin in Concord, Massachusetts, technophobe fire chief Raymond Dorsey (Jeff Bridges) is perplexed by a series of dead bodies found hunched in front of their computer screens across Boston.

Intrigued by an increasing number of tweets recounting the cause of each poster’s own death in her Twitter timeline, journalist Nina Hutchison (Megan Fox) begins to investigate the phenomena. She quickly realises that people have become so addicted to sharing every details of their day-to-day life, that the victims have stayed at their computers tweeting about house fires, perishing at their computers instead of walking out the door.

The following night, Hutchison’s timeline captures the death of Dame Judi Dench. But, as well mentioning the fire, Dame Dench’s last tweet describes strong, manly hands around her throat. Twenty-four hours later Stephen Fry posts a similar tweet and Hutchison realises Boston has a serial killer on the loose, strangling his victims and burning down their house to hide his tracks.

Hutchison convinces Dorsey to let her help catch the killer. After wrongly being arrested as a suspect, 50 Cent (Forest Whitaker) lends a hand and the mismatched threesome track down and apprehend Barbara Stone (Ellen DeGeneres), though not before Stone has also killed twitterati Russell Brand, Barry Glendenning and Peter Serafinowicz.

Possible dialogue:

Dorsey: Worldwidewhat? Interwhich? I don’t understand what you’re saying!
50Cent (tweeting): Gonna find who you are fuck and fuck you up, bitch. No ho fuck with my homo homie @StephenFry without getting whupped upside his head. Dog.
English50Cent (tweeting): One will discover your identity and cause one pain. One doesn’t mess with my best boy, Stephen Fry, without a cuff around the ear. Whatto.
Dorsey (while Glendenning posts his last tweets): Get out of there! Get out of there! What’s wrong with him? Why doesn’t he just leave! Get out of there! Get out of there, damnit!
Russell Brand (tweeting): It’s getting hot in here. Best take off all my clothes. Strong, manly hands around throat. Bring condoms.

The Horse Worrier (PG-13)

October 11, 2010

The Horse Worrier (PG-13)

Genre: Romantic drivel. With horses.

Ireland’s top female jockey, ‘Waxy McCavity’ (Minnie Driver), is involved in a horrific accident while taking part in the Grand National. Her horse suddenly & inexplicably begins to panic & then spontaneously combusts, just as the race is reaching it’s exciting climax. Waxy bravely continues to steer the fiery horse over the finishing line in first place despite being in agony. With flesh melting from her face, she even manages a victorious ‘fist-pump’ in front of the horrified onlookers before finally passing out, as the flames are extinguished by the emergency crew.

The horse dies. Waxy survives (just) but is left scarred for life. To make matters worse, even after numerous painful operations, the surgeons are unable to remove the saddle, which has fused with her skin.

A wealthy, handsome American horse trainer & philanthropist, ‘Gatsby Seaman’ (Matthew McConaughey), hears of her plight and invites Waxy over to his ranch, determined to do all he can to help. Soon a romace develops.

Waxy, however, is now unable to approach any horse without making it uneasy. Will Gatsby be able to train a horse to be able to accept Waxy in time for her to fulfil her dream of competing in the Kentucky Derby? Or will she never be able to race again? & will their love be strong enough to overcome such an obstacle?

Possible dialogue:

Waxy: “Dammit Gatsby! i feel like a freak, i cant walk straight, or even sit down, & i’ll never be able to look my Gynecologist in the eye again. The only place i feel human is on a horse!. If i cant race again, i’ll die. You’ve got to help me, whatever it costs.

Gatsby: “Err?….you can still fuck with that thing, right?”

Kebabs & Urine (15)

September 22, 2010

Kebabs & Urine (15)

Mike Leigh’s latest slice-of-life drama.

Tired of the recurring death threats, incontinent abortionist Dr Mortimer Waters (Timothy Spall) retires from his Yorkshire-based practice and moves to a quaint English seaside town where he falls in love with a waitress, Mary Tippleton (Tilda Swinton) – a devout Catholic, who’s bored and waiting for life to happen.

 As their relationship develops, Dr Waters becomes concerned that his feelings could never be fully reciprocated if Mary learnt of his old profession. (note: include emotional scene of a soaked Dr Waters burying his abortionist tools in the garden in the middle of a storm.)

When Mary learns that she’s pregnant (impossible as she’s a virgin!), Dr Waters chances fate and informs her of his past. Hilarity ensues.

Possible dialogue:

Dr Waters: “Eeh by gum! I shall miss thee little buggers – eh? What’s this? – oh no, I’ve pissed missen!”

Night of the Manshund (R)

September 16, 2010

Again, apologies for the delay in between posts. Thank you for your patience.

And to the Sean Bean fans, welcome! Might have to consider a Sean Bean Month.

Night of the Manshund (R)

Albert Fish (Bob Hoskins) and Charlie Chipps (Phil Collins) are two London Bobbies on the trail of the infamous Bermondsey Butcher, a homicidal maniac slaughtering German tourists and churning their remains into (delicious yet oh-so-wrong) sausages.

Over time, they uncover clues that suggest they are not dealing with a mere mortal but a fearsome Manshund (part man/part Dachshund – played by Ray Winstone).

When Special Detective Adolf Himmler (Rutger Hauer) is brought in from Berlin to help, things get a little testy between him and Fish & Chipps (naturally). But they must learn to work together capture the man-beast before it’s too late! (Note: include lame sub-plot that brings the Queen’s German ancestry into play.)

The climactic scene involves Fish, Chipps and Himmler luring the Manshund into a pub with a meat pie and gassing it with Xyclon-5.

Possible Dialogue:

Chipps (after Manshund lets out prolonged dying yelp): Hot Dog! (detectives laugh heartily and share a group hug)

 Possible Epilogue Dialogue:

Chipps: Adolph, we couldn’t have done it without you… Or should I say, Sir Adolph!

Himmler: Tank you Chipps. And tank you your majestee for tis great honour.

Queen (Judi Dench): Sie sind willkommen.