A very special treat for you all, as we present our first ever celebrity-penned failed movie:

In the Tweet of the Night (PG-13)

With only a week left before he retires to a log cabin in Concord, Massachusetts, technophobe fire chief Raymond Dorsey (Jeff Bridges) is perplexed by a series of dead bodies found hunched in front of their computer screens across Boston.

Intrigued by an increasing number of tweets recounting the cause of each poster’s own death in her Twitter timeline, journalist Nina Hutchison (Megan Fox) begins to investigate the phenomena. She quickly realises that people have become so addicted to sharing every details of their day-to-day life, that the victims have stayed at their computers tweeting about house fires, perishing at their computers instead of walking out the door.

The following night, Hutchison’s timeline captures the death of Dame Judi Dench. But, as well mentioning the fire, Dame Dench’s last tweet describes strong, manly hands around her throat. Twenty-four hours later Stephen Fry posts a similar tweet and Hutchison realises Boston has a serial killer on the loose, strangling his victims and burning down their house to hide his tracks.

Hutchison convinces Dorsey to let her help catch the killer. After wrongly being arrested as a suspect, 50 Cent (Forest Whitaker) lends a hand and the mismatched threesome track down and apprehend Barbara Stone (Ellen DeGeneres), though not before Stone has also killed twitterati Russell Brand, Barry Glendenning and Peter Serafinowicz.

Possible dialogue:

Dorsey: Worldwidewhat? Interwhich? I don’t understand what you’re saying!
50Cent (tweeting): Gonna find who you are fuck and fuck you up, bitch. No ho fuck with my homo homie @StephenFry without getting whupped upside his head. Dog.
English50Cent (tweeting): One will discover your identity and cause one pain. One doesn’t mess with my best boy, Stephen Fry, without a cuff around the ear. Whatto.
Dorsey (while Glendenning posts his last tweets): Get out of there! Get out of there! What’s wrong with him? Why doesn’t he just leave! Get out of there! Get out of there, damnit!
Russell Brand (tweeting): It’s getting hot in here. Best take off all my clothes. Strong, manly hands around throat. Bring condoms.

Night of the Manshund (R)

September 16, 2010

Again, apologies for the delay in between posts. Thank you for your patience.

And to the Sean Bean fans, welcome! Might have to consider a Sean Bean Month.

Night of the Manshund (R)

Albert Fish (Bob Hoskins) and Charlie Chipps (Phil Collins) are two London Bobbies on the trail of the infamous Bermondsey Butcher, a homicidal maniac slaughtering German tourists and churning their remains into (delicious yet oh-so-wrong) sausages.

Over time, they uncover clues that suggest they are not dealing with a mere mortal but a fearsome Manshund (part man/part Dachshund – played by Ray Winstone).

When Special Detective Adolf Himmler (Rutger Hauer) is brought in from Berlin to help, things get a little testy between him and Fish & Chipps (naturally). But they must learn to work together capture the man-beast before it’s too late! (Note: include lame sub-plot that brings the Queen’s German ancestry into play.)

The climactic scene involves Fish, Chipps and Himmler luring the Manshund into a pub with a meat pie and gassing it with Xyclon-5.

Possible Dialogue:

Chipps (after Manshund lets out prolonged dying yelp): Hot Dog! (detectives laugh heartily and share a group hug)

 Possible Epilogue Dialogue:

Chipps: Adolph, we couldn’t have done it without you… Or should I say, Sir Adolph!

Himmler: Tank you Chipps. And tank you your majestee for tis great honour.

Queen (Judi Dench): Sie sind willkommen.

The Last Homo (PG-13)

June 29, 2010

The Last Homo (PG-13)

Europe: about 25,000 BC. The war between modern humans (Homo Sapiens) & Neanderthals (Homo Californicacious) is drawing to a close. The primitive Neanderthals, have been all but wiped out, by the more advanced invaders from Africa. Only a single Neanderthal remains: Ugg (Arnold Schwarzenegger).

Ugg is determined not to go quietly and mounts a one-man guerrilla war against the humans. During one particularly successful raid against the human camp, Ugg kidnaps the leader’s mate (Halle Berry). The human leader (Wesley Snipes) is furious and orders his men to hunt down and  kill the savage before he can mate with his woman.

Will brute force & primitive weapons prevail against brains, long enough for Ugg to pass on his genes? Or is Ugg (& his entire species) facing extinction?

* the opening battle scene will feature the acting debut of World Cup star Carlos Tevez, seen here with his mother:

The Papacy Conspiracy (PG-13)

Tagline: Mother of God!

The Vatican is hiding a secret: The pope is pregnant!

After the mysterious death of Benedict XVI, a woman is surprisingly chosen as the new pope (The 266th, & according to ancient prophecy, the last!)

Pope Fatima the 1st (C.C.H. Pounder) is soon complaining of stomach pains and a mysterious morning sickness. She consults Vatican doctors, only to be given the shocking (& miraculous) news that she is going to have a baby! The Vatican keeps the news a secret, until they decide what to do.
However, one man: professional online gamer and amateur sleuth, ‘Pooter Hackman’ (Nicolas Cage), stumbles across the secret, after accidentally gaining access to secret Vatican files.

The security breach is discovered, so a Vatican insider: Archbishop Barzini (Tom Sizemore) is dispatched to track down and silence Pooter (the Archbishop is given special dispensation to break any, or all of the Ten Commandments, for the greater good).

Will Pooter survive long enough to reveal the shocking truth to the world? & what will become of Fatima & her soon to be born child!?

MedStu Cop (PG-13)

May 21, 2010

(Apologies for the slow output of late… we’ll pick it up soon)

MedStu Cop (PG-13)

A series of unexplained deaths hits the patients of Mount Zion Hospital. The only link is that shortly before each death, the hospital cat ‘Strokes’ chose to sit on the sleeping victim’s bed.

The police suspect foul play and send in undercover cop Hope Goodwell (Academy Award winner: Sandra Bullock) to pose as a medical student, while searching for the truth.

And so begins a battle of wits between ambitious cop & killer kitty.

However, Hope soon discovers that ‘Strokes’ may be innocent, & the real killer may actually be her diagnostic teacher: unconventional, maverick, medical genius, Dr Chambers (Pierce Brosnan) A secret psychopath, who’s been bumping off some of his patients, for years!

And so begins another battle of wits, between student & master. Who will be the victor?

Note: The spectacular climax features a hair-raising gurney chase through the streets of San Francisco.

EBITDAR (PG)

April 6, 2010

EBITDAR (PG)

Experience it in IMAX 3D

Genre: Sucky Sci-Fi

The peaceful, commie, homo-loving, blue people of the planet ‘Data’ are attacked by an aggressive, warlike race of pink men (The Sayles).

After much fighting & explosions, the blue people emerge victorious, (Despite their philosophy that fighting & explosions solve nothing).

First Doggy (G)

March 1, 2010

First Doggy (G)

U.S President (Tim Allen) is on a top secret stopover trip to North Korea to hopefully sign a peace treaty with Kim Jong-il (Bob Hoskins).

While there, his beloved talking dog ‘Boner’ (voiced by Tom Skerritt) gets lost on the streets of Pyongyang.

The Chief of Staff (Martin Short) is instantly appointed as dogcatcher-in-chief, and given 24 hours to find the missing dog while the anxious President continues with the summit.

Luckily, Boner meets ‘Elderflower’ (voiced by Sophia Loren) a tough streetwalking Siamese cat, who takes the innocent American under her wing.
Together they attempt to avoid danger (including hungry locals) and make it back to Air Force One, before it has to take off with or without them.

Maybe along the way they can succeed where the humans have failed and somehow bring their two great nations closer together?
(*a lot closer if Boner has his way!)